today at work, because im oh so productive, i came up with an entire blog entry in my head. totally forgot it. no clue what it was even about. so instead im going to write about my insides, and how theyre slowly going to be the death of me (i mean.. more than they usually.. are… shutup) which is cool because no one knows this even exists besides me. even though i’m pretty sure im not going to want to reread this entry later. WHATEV.

so today! i went to the doctor because i’ve been bleeding for 4 weeks straight. 4. entire. weeks. what the hell. apparently its because i switched my birth control to one with less estrogen so my body thinks its constantly time to get rid of non-babies. which i mean, i appreciate in a way. but no thank you. i also got a bunch of blood work requisitions to get tested for crohn’s because thats totally what i need to add to my list of sexy and appealing qualities. “oh haaai im bipolar cant eat food and oh yeah my intestines? they dont work! oh hahaha!” …. -_-
at least the flu is gone? though the downstairs toilet is totally still broken. i guess flushing and apple core down the toilet cuz you didnt notice it was in the bottom of a garbage can of puke isnt the best idea. you know, in case you were to consider doing it in the future. dont. especially because your father will need to take this on as his fix it project and wont let you call a plumber, which sounds ok because he is awesome and can fix things, but it isnt because he works 14 hours a day every day, and also its a fucking applecore in your pipes and someone needs to come take the toilet off the ground already.

but you know, i cant complain as i did flush the damn apple core. brilliant. (in my defense, i had an exceptionally high fever)

in other news…
i clearly dont have any because i wrote an entry about my period and intestines. i even almost mentioned the weather (raining like a son bitch) so really all i got is its good being friends with bryce again, todd is still slightly confusing but mostly still awesome annnnd getting this my 5 plan on my cell phone wasnt entirely useless even though i havent gotten to actually call the boy once, because at least i talk to nats daily now. i do like her.
the end.


this post has no purpose


my new theme as a bunch for format settings, just finding out what the hell that means. arent i delightful, future self? yeah, i thought so

All British Up in Here


So it’s Victoria day and because I work for one of the them there government supported charities, I had the day off: Thanks British Empire. I slept through most of it (whoops), made some green tea chicken dumplings (gluten free. it was less challenging than expected. yay for food.) and failed at making pastry/made very oddly shaped cookies with vanilla custard and berries. gluten free pastry is hard.
things with the boy are better, although my entire communication with him today has been 3 text messages, all about 6 hours apart and consisting of under 8 words. i knew i was being ridiculous yesterday. this is what happens when i throw up my bipolar meds for a week: badness. anyhow, his son is sick ūüė¶ and he is stressed ūüė¶ so i’m trying to think of something nice to do for them but it’s kind of hard when they currently live an hour away from me and i work all week.
i’m getting a little stressed about having enough money this school year with my downtown priced rent. i’m going to need some lessons on couponing or something, my upper middle class upbringing hasn’t prepared me for this. i’m all “what? i NEED garlic press.” no one needs a garlic press. i am perfectly capable of smashing garlic. my father is so ashamed. as becca would say; LOOK AT MY LIFE, LOOK AT MY CHOICES. but seriously, i use that garlic press daily, no regrets.
see? this and my addiction to extremely expensive hair products are going to screw me over. that and the long distance charges to talk to the boyfriend. god i suck at being poor. how did that even happen? we were poor as dirt growing up. WHEN DID I BECOME A TRUST FUND KID? i dont even like animals and i make others kill spiders for me. i suck. god. at least i remain pale and dark haired so my resemblance of paris hilton isnt too glaringly obvious. jesus.

anyway, things are good and im glad im managing to be somewhat level headed, being that i’ve basically been off my meds for a week and that usually ends in me comatose in a corner or in some sort of cleaning frenzy with really wide eyes. like really wide. like starring into your soul and eating your future children wide. just saying.

Fresh and New.


Like spring in some place that isnt Canada. ¬†It’s almost June, we’re getting frost overnight: what IS that?

I have been extremely sick all week but today I woke up magically better. ¬†Maybe my body knew tomorrow was a holiday and didn’t want me to waste it. ¬†I have to… honor the queen? maybe? afterall. ¬†I definitely don’t know what you’re supposed to do on Victoria day besides BBQ. I cant lie.

Things have been strange lately. ¬†Since recovery (“recovery”) things have maintained a relatively smooth path. ¬†Things felt good. ¬†Things felt like they could move on and live life again and stop focusing all of their time on “recovery.” ¬†I hate that word, by the way. ¬†Recovery implies things go away, or like they were this thing that happened to you that one time and man glad thats over. ¬†Nothing that one “recovers” from is really like that. Something always sits inside you, gnawing away at little pieces of things here and there. It’s always a process. Always a struggle. ¬†But regardless of that, 2010 provided the space and time for most of the dirty work to be handled and my team of doctors has been whittled down to 2 and my $150 therapy sessions have gone from twice a week to “if i feel the need” and I am proud of that. ¬†People act like it’s easier than it is. That snap back to normalcy. To functional.

But I have been normal. I have been safe in my own mind and body for a long time now and it felt ok to move on in life. So I did. ¬†I’ve signed a lease to live with 2 good friends. ¬†This shouldn’t be a big deal as I am 25, but it is. ¬†I have been extremely lucky to have had the family that I have in the past few years, otherwise I would most certainly be dead. ¬†But that feels ok, exciting even. ¬†I am a little afraid because living with friends always comes with the risk of not being friends anymore, but it is what it is. ¬†and its a pretty nice apartment.

I started actually dating. ¬†Before I would fling on occasion, just because I needed to feel close to something or someone. ¬†Needed to feel something new or raw or something. I can’t really explain it. ¬†But now I’m dating to be in love with someone, and its been harder than I thought. ¬†I met someone great who I really like and I think really likes me back. ¬†Says he really likes me back. But he’s far away and has a kid and that’s all sorts of confusing. ¬†I can feel the anxious- over- nothing feelings seeping back in. ¬†It’s so stupid. ¬†I can logically see that there is no reason to worry but I still am. ¬†He hasnt talked to me all day and it’s really unlike him. ¬†He sounded all¬†aggravated¬†last time we talked and I dont know why. And though with good reason, he cancelled our plans this weekend. ¬†I don’t know if it’s because I have spent so much of my life with people in constant turmoil or if I’m just overly anxious or both, but it freaks me out. ¬†Then to distract myself from it I start thinking other things like well maybe he just doesnt feel like talking to me and theeen I’m all he’s way too good looking to be dating me anyway this was stupid you should have known this was going to happen. Only thats ridiculous and I know it because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. ¬† I think I just have so much leftover crap from Jonathan and Bryce that I can’t handle unexpected silences. ¬†Because the only time Jonathan ever was silent, he never came back. Ever. ¬†And it just so happened to be when I told him that I was sick. ¬†It’s painful to watch someone you thought you could trust leave when you needed them the most.. and leave without saying a word. ¬†I’m constantly afraid everyone I care about will do that I think. ¬†I don’t really trust anyone to stay. ¬†I really need to work on that, cuz being like this is really not an option. ¬†People need space. ¬†Hell, I need space. ¬†It’s confusing.

But things are still good. ¬†I’m so happy I can actually eat something I can’t explain. ¬†Bryce is keeping me company via text for the night so I will resit the urge to obsess too much, and I haven’t talked to him in a couple months so it’s nice. ¬†I typed a lot more than I was expecting. ¬†This online diary thing might actually work out.

Off to watch reality cooking shows and try to con myself into being tired. ¬†Fingers crossed the boy texts me in the morning so I can get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach even though I know it shouldn’t be there.