Fresh and New.


Like spring in some place that isnt Canada.  It’s almost June, we’re getting frost overnight: what IS that?

I have been extremely sick all week but today I woke up magically better.  Maybe my body knew tomorrow was a holiday and didn’t want me to waste it.  I have to… honor the queen? maybe? afterall.  I definitely don’t know what you’re supposed to do on Victoria day besides BBQ. I cant lie.

Things have been strange lately.  Since recovery (“recovery”) things have maintained a relatively smooth path.  Things felt good.  Things felt like they could move on and live life again and stop focusing all of their time on “recovery.”  I hate that word, by the way.  Recovery implies things go away, or like they were this thing that happened to you that one time and man glad thats over.  Nothing that one “recovers” from is really like that. Something always sits inside you, gnawing away at little pieces of things here and there. It’s always a process. Always a struggle.  But regardless of that, 2010 provided the space and time for most of the dirty work to be handled and my team of doctors has been whittled down to 2 and my $150 therapy sessions have gone from twice a week to “if i feel the need” and I am proud of that.  People act like it’s easier than it is. That snap back to normalcy. To functional.

But I have been normal. I have been safe in my own mind and body for a long time now and it felt ok to move on in life. So I did.  I’ve signed a lease to live with 2 good friends.  This shouldn’t be a big deal as I am 25, but it is.  I have been extremely lucky to have had the family that I have in the past few years, otherwise I would most certainly be dead.  But that feels ok, exciting even.  I am a little afraid because living with friends always comes with the risk of not being friends anymore, but it is what it is.  and its a pretty nice apartment.

I started actually dating.  Before I would fling on occasion, just because I needed to feel close to something or someone.  Needed to feel something new or raw or something. I can’t really explain it.  But now I’m dating to be in love with someone, and its been harder than I thought.  I met someone great who I really like and I think really likes me back.  Says he really likes me back. But he’s far away and has a kid and that’s all sorts of confusing.  I can feel the anxious- over- nothing feelings seeping back in.  It’s so stupid.  I can logically see that there is no reason to worry but I still am.  He hasnt talked to me all day and it’s really unlike him.  He sounded all aggravated last time we talked and I dont know why. And though with good reason, he cancelled our plans this weekend.  I don’t know if it’s because I have spent so much of my life with people in constant turmoil or if I’m just overly anxious or both, but it freaks me out.  Then to distract myself from it I start thinking other things like well maybe he just doesnt feel like talking to me and theeen I’m all he’s way too good looking to be dating me anyway this was stupid you should have known this was going to happen. Only thats ridiculous and I know it because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.   I think I just have so much leftover crap from Jonathan and Bryce that I can’t handle unexpected silences.  Because the only time Jonathan ever was silent, he never came back. Ever.  And it just so happened to be when I told him that I was sick.  It’s painful to watch someone you thought you could trust leave when you needed them the most.. and leave without saying a word.  I’m constantly afraid everyone I care about will do that I think.  I don’t really trust anyone to stay.  I really need to work on that, cuz being like this is really not an option.  People need space.  Hell, I need space.  It’s confusing.

But things are still good.  I’m so happy I can actually eat something I can’t explain.  Bryce is keeping me company via text for the night so I will resit the urge to obsess too much, and I haven’t talked to him in a couple months so it’s nice.  I typed a lot more than I was expecting.  This online diary thing might actually work out.

Off to watch reality cooking shows and try to con myself into being tired.  Fingers crossed the boy texts me in the morning so I can get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach even though I know it shouldn’t be there.


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