how i handle my emotions

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so. have i mentioned im not jewish?

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so i went on a date with a rabbi.
in fact i let him touch me. i havent let people touch me in quite a long time. sure, ive hugged my roommate on occasion, and my mom, and given a good friend a quick squeeze good bye… but i havent been able to do any form of sustained touch since i woke up and realized: rape. and he touched me. he made sure i was comfortable. he talked to me. he brushed my hair off my face, he looked in the eyes. he rubbed my neck, he kissed my forehead. he kissed my lips. things (but not THINGS) happened. and i was ok. i got anxious and froze and locked my whole body up.. and then hed just touch me and talk about things until he could feel me relax again.. over and over again.

when i left i started to panic. the drunk panic where you dont really make sense and you babble like a three year old while slightly losing touch with reality panic. i called chris. i rambled at him. he was a good sport.

i feel very conflicted, about the whole thing. on the one hand, theres this person who wants to help me in the ways that i need help right now. i need to relax around people. i need to relearn how to be touched. or maybe just learn, in the first place, because my family never really did that and my two modes of touching have always been: extremely uncomfortable or crazy sex. but on the other hand. hes, you know, a rabbi. and you know what im not? jewish. im definitely not jewish. im not even religious. im like, pretty much a respectful atheist up in here.

this can go nowhere. is that a problem? can i just be friends with this person and let him touch me and kiss me and whatever casual whateverness until it heals something inside me and have that be ok? i really feel like he could. and he feels like he could. but then i feel weird, about the religious lines, which is dumb because they arent mine. they arent my things. its his choice to handle that however he wants to handle that. and hes already been exceptionally clear it cant turn into anything, because im not jewish, and all. but i wonder how long it will be until he freaks out about it. till theres back track.

i dont know. maybe ill try it. unless hes all “holy shit, im a rabbi wtf am i doing? in a couple days. i think i could do this though. i think i could trust him. in whatever weird way.

and now for something a little different.

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i’m doing alright! i would venture to say ive moved slightly (very slightly) past functional and into ‘progressing forward’ territory. but dont quote me on that as my therapist still makes me see him every 5 days, and last time he told me i had to start addressing my “inability to forge emotional connections with other people.”

surprise! even though no one around me would ever guess it, i dont form emotional bonds with people. i am however, exceptionally good at allowing them to emotionally bond with me. i dont bond back. because i dont recognize and/or feel my own emotions, the best i can do is talk about them as global concepts of emotions from my past. and thats a level of personal not meant for new friends. WHOOPS, MISSING THAT LIFE SKILL. oh well.

anyway! I am working full time.. honestly, I have been since May, though its contract work where I pick my hours, and I basically did a really shit job of it through June. Now I’m working real full time, and I’ve gone back to school full time. sort of. i’m completing all the classes I medically deferred out of when i was … well whatever youd like to refer to the past few entries as.

Not that I’m not that now. I think most people have this impression that the world sort of assumes people are better after trauma pretty quickly. like after some time the trauma isnt a justified reason for feeling things or doing things. While I dont think I have this problem… in fact I`d venture to say I often have the opposite problem when dealing with other people (i see through their im fine shells with ease, such is the life of someone who has a nearly imperceptible shell), i do apply this logic to myself. sort of. not so much that i dont think i should be having problems, but that i am so disconnected from my own emotional experience I view myself as essentially having two modes: completely fine, and full on crisis. and since i havent needed active attention to keep me from slitting my wrists lately, i must be completely fine.

I realize that sounds stupid when i type it out like that, and all, but i really dont recognize my emotional experiences enough to pretend i could think any different… but perhaps recognizing thats how i deal with life will be beneficial for me in treatment. recognition that i am likely in a grey area. that what i usually perceive as periods of crisis close together due to a failure to maintain ok status is actually a grey area of coping. that could be helpful. i bet my therapist would like that sentence.

anyway. the point is, its gloriously sunny. GLORIOUSLY. we had a massive heatwave, and everyone spent all the time swimming and by the ocean. and there is someting so amazingly healing about the sun. I know that sounds a little dumb, and everyones reactions are like well duh people like the sun and or yes vitamin d!… but theres something beyond that. its like a physical weight comes off my chest when im in the sun. it creates an instant and beautiful lift in my life. i really, really need to build a sauna filled with those fake sunshine lights for winter. i truly think it would help. and i dont have seasonal effective disorder. ive got all these pure chemical imbalance and life trauma shit happening. so i cant explain it but its fucking amazing.
i also was swelling all the time. it started in quebec (natasa says basically i was being a whiney bitch. the doctors said otherwise. my urge to rub this in her face is overwhelming, as i never draw attention to these things in real life and was not at all impressed with her reaction to it, although i was probably annoying) and has continued on and off since i got back. so i stopped eating nightshade veggies as i am already deathly allergic to one of them, it seemed like a likely source. i think thats been helping, but its a little hard to say as i’ve also been eating better, sleeping better, and started new meds recently. its amazing how much a combination of sun, sleep and vitamins can change your life. not to pretend im better or that they could solve my issues, but they definitely improve my daily life. plus ive been swimming about 4 days a week, everyones willing to walk places with me now, and ive been trying to get cardio days at the gym in 5 days a week.

and on that note, i’ve lost 7 pounds in the past 3 weeks. so thats happy. ive decided i want to try to lose the weight before grad school. its 10 months away. thats more than enough time if i lose a pound or 2 a week. and even if its stupid, even if i should just learn to love myself as i am and shit, i think it will massively improve my ability to function once i stop having this weight issue being so visible and constant. im over it.

so. i suppose. this is just a post to remind myself that im trying. in the future, when i read all these posts, i think i will need this reminder. i am trying and i am working hard on making things better. and at some point, regardless of the outcome. this part matters.