i’m doing alright! i would venture to say ive moved slightly (very slightly) past functional and into ‘progressing forward’ territory. but dont quote me on that as my therapist still makes me see him every 5 days, and last time he told me i had to start addressing my “inability to forge emotional connections with other people.”
surprise! even though no one around me would ever guess it, i dont form emotional bonds with people. i am however, exceptionally good at allowing them to emotionally bond with me. i dont bond back. because i dont recognize and/or feel my own emotions, the best i can do is talk about them as global concepts of emotions from my past. and thats a level of personal not meant for new friends. WHOOPS, MISSING THAT LIFE SKILL. oh well.
anyway! I am working full time.. honestly, I have been since May, though its contract work where I pick my hours, and I basically did a really shit job of it through June. Now I’m working real full time, and I’ve gone back to school full time. sort of. i’m completing all the classes I medically deferred out of when i was … well whatever youd like to refer to the past few entries as.
Not that I’m not that now. I think most people have this impression that the world sort of assumes people are better after trauma pretty quickly. like after some time the trauma isnt a justified reason for feeling things or doing things. While I dont think I have this problem… in fact I`d venture to say I often have the opposite problem when dealing with other people (i see through their im fine shells with ease, such is the life of someone who has a nearly imperceptible shell), i do apply this logic to myself. sort of. not so much that i dont think i should be having problems, but that i am so disconnected from my own emotional experience I view myself as essentially having two modes: completely fine, and full on crisis. and since i havent needed active attention to keep me from slitting my wrists lately, i must be completely fine.
I realize that sounds stupid when i type it out like that, and all, but i really dont recognize my emotional experiences enough to pretend i could think any different… but perhaps recognizing thats how i deal with life will be beneficial for me in treatment. recognition that i am likely in a grey area. that what i usually perceive as periods of crisis close together due to a failure to maintain ok status is actually a grey area of coping. that could be helpful. i bet my therapist would like that sentence.
anyway. the point is, its gloriously sunny. GLORIOUSLY. we had a massive heatwave, and everyone spent all the time swimming and by the ocean. and there is someting so amazingly healing about the sun. I know that sounds a little dumb, and everyones reactions are like well duh people like the sun and or yes vitamin d!… but theres something beyond that. its like a physical weight comes off my chest when im in the sun. it creates an instant and beautiful lift in my life. i really, really need to build a sauna filled with those fake sunshine lights for winter. i truly think it would help. and i dont have seasonal effective disorder. ive got all these pure chemical imbalance and life trauma shit happening. so i cant explain it but its fucking amazing.
i also was swelling all the time. it started in quebec (natasa says basically i was being a whiney bitch. the doctors said otherwise. my urge to rub this in her face is overwhelming, as i never draw attention to these things in real life and was not at all impressed with her reaction to it, although i was probably annoying) and has continued on and off since i got back. so i stopped eating nightshade veggies as i am already deathly allergic to one of them, it seemed like a likely source. i think thats been helping, but its a little hard to say as i’ve also been eating better, sleeping better, and started new meds recently. its amazing how much a combination of sun, sleep and vitamins can change your life. not to pretend im better or that they could solve my issues, but they definitely improve my daily life. plus ive been swimming about 4 days a week, everyones willing to walk places with me now, and ive been trying to get cardio days at the gym in 5 days a week.
and on that note, i’ve lost 7 pounds in the past 3 weeks. so thats happy. ive decided i want to try to lose the weight before grad school. its 10 months away. thats more than enough time if i lose a pound or 2 a week. and even if its stupid, even if i should just learn to love myself as i am and shit, i think it will massively improve my ability to function once i stop having this weight issue being so visible and constant. im over it.
so. i suppose. this is just a post to remind myself that im trying. in the future, when i read all these posts, i think i will need this reminder. i am trying and i am working hard on making things better. and at some point, regardless of the outcome. this part matters.