so i went on a date with a rabbi.
in fact i let him touch me. i havent let people touch me in quite a long time. sure, ive hugged my roommate on occasion, and my mom, and given a good friend a quick squeeze good bye… but i havent been able to do any form of sustained touch since i woke up and realized: rape. and he touched me. he made sure i was comfortable. he talked to me. he brushed my hair off my face, he looked in the eyes. he rubbed my neck, he kissed my forehead. he kissed my lips. things (but not THINGS) happened. and i was ok. i got anxious and froze and locked my whole body up.. and then hed just touch me and talk about things until he could feel me relax again.. over and over again.
when i left i started to panic. the drunk panic where you dont really make sense and you babble like a three year old while slightly losing touch with reality panic. i called chris. i rambled at him. he was a good sport.
i feel very conflicted, about the whole thing. on the one hand, theres this person who wants to help me in the ways that i need help right now. i need to relax around people. i need to relearn how to be touched. or maybe just learn, in the first place, because my family never really did that and my two modes of touching have always been: extremely uncomfortable or crazy sex. but on the other hand. hes, you know, a rabbi. and you know what im not? jewish. im definitely not jewish. im not even religious. im like, pretty much a respectful atheist up in here.
this can go nowhere. is that a problem? can i just be friends with this person and let him touch me and kiss me and whatever casual whateverness until it heals something inside me and have that be ok? i really feel like he could. and he feels like he could. but then i feel weird, about the religious lines, which is dumb because they arent mine. they arent my things. its his choice to handle that however he wants to handle that. and hes already been exceptionally clear it cant turn into anything, because im not jewish, and all. but i wonder how long it will be until he freaks out about it. till theres back track.
i dont know. maybe ill try it. unless hes all “holy shit, im a rabbi wtf am i doing? in a couple days. i think i could do this though. i think i could trust him. in whatever weird way.