pitch black

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i started new meds. two sets, actually. one i started before i was psychotic, a non-ssri treatment for anxiety that also isnt a benny (apparently you arent supposed to take benzos for like 9 years straight, even when they are the only thing that even slightly helps. who knew… also, im still taking all of those too.) it makes me nauseous and dizzy and unable to stand for a couple hours after taking it. Then this week i started the new antipsychotics… which make me vomit and have dizzy spells. long story short, im now slightly less crazy, throwing up a few times a day, and generally not getting out of bed.

i tried to go camping this weekend… by which i mean i went camping, and spent most of my time throwing up in the woods, watching people drink, and starring at the roof of a tent while everyone else passed out in the pitch black. came home a day early. tried to keep up the happy face and everything but i couldnt follow a conversation, didnt hold down a meal, and froze my ass off all weekend. pretty sure everyone is mildly aggravated with me, or i am with them. i dont know. i really wanted to have fun, but i didnt. i just wanted to come home.

dale came back, sort of, for a little while, but pretty much just wants to talk about fucking and not really talk.. so that support system is more or less blown. my own psychotic fault. i deleted his number out of my phone today… i sort of regret it but its probably best i just let him figure out whatever the fuck he needs to figure out. and im tired of forcing him to deal with me.

ive been home for a little under 24 hours and ive spent them all in bed, except to clean the washroom and do a load of laundry. took the pills, threw up the pills. took the other pills, threw up the other pills. had a nap. faught with dale. wash rinse repeat. im horribly depressed… i guess. i can only really tell because what was an uplifting thought when i came out of psychosis (my friends. my family. being there) is now just aggravating (i feel nothing when im near them. i dont want to get up. seriously contemplated swallowing all of my meds at once.)

i should be back at work. my new contract starts in 5 days. i dont care and i cant do anything anyway. its a weird sensation, watching your life burn down all around you.

going to go throw up some more and then act like everythings fine with brandon so he doesnt go the way of dale. might go get loaded with kevin. on and on and on we go.

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