Today is better.
I don’t know if it will last, and I’m choosing not to stress about it.
I didn’t kill myself yesterday.
I was close. I was closer than I care to admit, closer than I ever remember being… including the days spent sitting in the ER.
Many people helped me not kill myself (my therapist, my mom, my brother, a random stranger who commented on this blog), but I did it. I stayed alive, in 60 second bursts, for the entire day. Through a fight. Through urges. Through fits and bursts. I did that.
I have coping skills. I have the doctors, the therapists, the support networks, the people to call, the order of things to do, the small goals. I have the things you are told to build when you end up in the ER. I have the things, and sometimes, the things are still not enough. Sometimes, there are just 60 second blocks, one after another, and you just try to get through each one. Little goals. Tick. Tock.
There is nothing to do but wait it out.
Today isnt like that.
I woke up bad, but not awful. I woke up (goal #1), I swallowed pills (goal #2). Stripped off the sweat drenched bulky sweaters and layers of clothing I had piled all over my body as protection from myself the night before.
I dont remember falling asleep. My body aches all over from the constant clenched tension I’d held in it all night.
I showered (goal #4). Didnt shave. Too much of a temptation (goal #5). Got dressed (goal #6)
I ate a peach: nutrients (goal #7).
I left the apartment (goal #8) and got a package from the post office. I came home and did skype therapy. Therapy makes me feel like I’m working on the problem, so therefore therapy makes me feel better, in and of itself. There no worse feeling that that of feeling like you are doing nothing to fix being horribly, crushingly, defeated.
I made tea. I hugged my roommate (goal #9). I ate vegetables (goal #7).
And then, something weird happened. I felt like maybe going outside would be ok.
I haven’t felt like maybe being outside would be ok in a long time. So I decided to act on it as fast as humanly possible. Ellie stopped by shortly there after so I dragged her to a nearby park with me. it was sunny but not hot. There was a water fountain: I love watching water fountains. They calm me. We stayed there for an hour and then everyone was going to trivia because its Tuesday. I love trivia. I was already outside. I was worried about the crowd because on Saturday I had to leave a party due to a massive panic attack turned suicidal downward spiral. Decided to go and sit at the table with Amber and Nicole because we need to show up like an hour early to save the table. Could leave when a crowd started to form if I needed. We got a good table and I got to sit by the wall… lots of space. Made it through trivia night. Last minute text to my boss and he came down to play, too. Sat in the dark park with my boss after 11pm. Talked about work. talked about life. talked about where things were at. He walked me home. (goals #10-72384238)
I’m going in to sign my contract tomorrow… start health benefits. In a week or two I’ll start working only the hours I feel up to being there, and not being there when I’m not. I’m extremely lucky to have such a supportive amazing workplace. I wish I could just give one to everyone who goes through any of this. I dont know how I’d have survived without it.
Todays a good day. Maybe tomorrow will be too. Maybe it wont. But I’m grateful for the pause; the reminder. The intake of air.