dirty

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i’ve had plans for like a week to go to the fair with a bunch of friends. i was excited about it even though its expensive as shit and im broke. long story short: it did not go well. kale had to drive me home because i was locked up and hyperventilating and crying in the corner.

theres this thing that happens to me when i’m at a sustained level of anxiety about life: i become horribly uncomfortable around things i cant control, especially large groups on animals or nature where all i can think about is all the animals living in the things beneath my feet. in this case there were livestock shows. theyre dirty and touching me and theres crowds and kids and shit everywhere and germs. everything is covered in germs and everything is so dirty and then i just cant handle it. im not entirely sure how this works given i used to (read: when i was 9) have this engrained notion that i was contaminated and i was contaminating everything i came in contact with… i spent hours scrubbing things other people would touch. now theres something about becoming contaminated, only not. more like.. just this need to be clean. scrubbed clean. its making being in my apartment with my messy roommate very difficult.

i know who my friends are out of the group of people i hang out with; its about half of them. i’m fairly certain the others sort of cringe when i show up places now because it doesnt go well. though usually i dont drag others away with me… i just cab away suddenly.

i came home and immediately showered. i scrubbed my skin so hard i feel like im missing layers of it. cleaned under my nails, washed my hair.
i feel dirty. anxious. its hard to explain.

this is when i used to scrub the shower with qtips.

im not supposed to do that.

i feel heavy, dirty, and broken today. its hard to want to be awake.

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