bits and pieces

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It was thanksgiving on the weekend. I thought a lot about writing one of those sappy posts about the things I’m thankful for like all the kids do in facebook status updates these days but I realized, I sort of hate when people glaze over things (I’m so thankful for my friends and family xoxo!!), so I probably shouldn’t do it. It takes the sentiment and the legitimacy out of the whole thing when you use blanket statements. So instead, I’m going to try to write some posts about the good things in the future, the things and people I’m thankful for. I think it will help with all the shitty moods I’ve been having.

I’ve been having a really off day. People commented. I gained 5 pounds. I miss school. I miss academia and studying for my GREs and midterms and being around a giant mass of people all the time. I miss feeling ok in a giant mass of people all of the time. Anxiety is a strange form of torture for an extrovert.

I’ve come to the conclusion coherent, cohesive writing is beyond my current capabilities so I’m just going to say some things I’ve been thinking about instead.

-I’m on a dating site. I’m really not sure why. On the one hand I have this deep seeded idea I will be alone forever and I am completely unlovable and fucked up and a burden to everyone, but on the other hand, all these men seem to be still interested despite the fat crazy person I am. And I’m lonely, since I do nothing all the time now, and I’m an extrovert, and I miss being around people, and I want to want to do things. Only I can’t meet strangers right now, I’m a mess. Even when I’m not a mess I’m not ready to dress up and try and look pretty and worry about how much uglier I am in person than in my photos and yadda yadda yadda. I’m pretty sure if I were a healthier, less anxious person, I wouldn’t be single. I’d probably date this cute guy who also loves In Flames or this research scientist who works in a hospital that is in every reasonable way, a person I should want to date. But instead I swim. and clean. and eat.

-I cleaned the washroom today. This is one of those things normal people do so it’s hard to talk about it like a thing, but it’s one of the things I do when I’m a mess. Not in the normal, give things a good once over because washrooms should be clean way, but in the using bleach and q-tips to clean ever square inch of the grout by hand because otherwise things will be dirty and the place where you get clean needs to be the purest form of clean otherwise you are always dirty I should spend 4 hours cleaning this 7×4 foot room and thats probably not enough and i’m going to fail and everyone will know I’m filthy and unworthy sort of way. Anyway. The point is, I did it. I spent a couple hours at it and washed the tiles individually by hand and scrubbed out the grout and cleaned the taps and all that. No q-tips. No bleach. It doesn’t quite feel clean but I know it is. Reasonably. I need to keep this shit under control, I can feel it spiralling.

-I need to get my school shit straightened out. Badly. I’m freaking out about it more and more everyday, and the deadline is getting closer but I don’t feel like its a good idea to look at it yet. I don’t know what to do.

-I genuinely miss my old co-workers. I’m friends-ish with my old boss and I think we will hang out, I find him strangely calming. Peaceful, somehow. I never feel judged when I’m near him, which is weird since he was my boss and all. I’m incredibly thankful for them.

-Brandon has been making a serious effort to keep the apartment tidy since I flipped out about the dirt at the fair. Lost my shit about being dirty in front of people for the first time; normally thats a mental conversation and outward panic attack we blame on crowds or something. I’m appreciative of the effort.

-I’m headed to a movie tonight with my sister, brother in law and elli. I’m hoping I’ve improved enough that I can follow the plot this time, since last time I couldn’t make it through wolverine, and all. Baby steps.

That’s it. Thoughts and things and more soon.

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