Insomnia

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I am drunk.
I have slept 8 hours in the past week. I am so exhausted its hard to see straight but there’s a weird electricity in my first gets, behind my eyes
Going going going.
I drank all weekend, like usual. I’m actually at savannahs house right now. Everyone else is passed out on couches…  At the kitchen table wishing I hadn’t uninstalled skype from my phone so I could talk to eddie. My data is running out. It’s 430.

They doubled my antidepressants/anxiety meds but not my mood stabilizers. I think its the problem.

My sister in law wants.me to apply for a receptionist job at her office and I can’t even do it I’m so out of it.

I think about drowning myself most of everyday. My head feels like its spinning. I wish I were home.

I can’t even come up with something to do to pass the time. I’d go for a walk but its pouring and I’m in dartmouth and I wore shitty flats instead of real shoes.

I’m eating pineapple and listening to post rock and trying not to cry. Everything is so infuriating.

I’m meeting a guy from okcupid tomorrow. He’s intelligent and funny and holds a conversation and is similarly depressed as fuck. So maybe we will be friends. But he’s all good looking and runs I’m completely different crowds. Sleeps with multiple people in the same day, goes on a million dates a week. He says he’s really interested in people and like figuring people out and its awkward because people always take it like he likes them, and he’s a people pleaser so he goes along with it. So I’m assuming he just finds all my fucked upness intriguing and will disappear after tomorrow.

This is unfortunate because the late night convos about nothing are o e of the only things helping me hold shit together.

I’m done. I’m done done done done done.
I have this stupid psych class to do and that studentsns paper to write and I have to find a job and I’m on this stupid diet. They want me to speak at Dalhousie I. 2 weeks. What the hell am I supposed to say? Hi I’m bipolar, suicidal and an alcoholic. Lemme tell you about how we people with mental illnesses aren’t crazy suicidal alcoholics.

I just want to stop.
More than anything.
I just want it to stop.

Stiff

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things got better, for awhile.

i dont know what to say here. my family came home, i did nothing but see them and play with children for 2 weeks. my friends are great, ive been going out with them a lot. i’ve made a few new ones this month, too. I’ve been drinking. A lot.
I’m back in school, for my one class I need to graduate. Issues in Clinic Psychology. The irony. At some point I’m probably going to have to drop these bombs; these you-can-talk-about-it-but-i-live-it things. all my opinions are so biased I can’t work around it. the joys of public self disclosure. i dont even care anymore, go ahead and judge me then pick a new major.

last week at trivia we won two rounds, came second in the other, so tomorrow we are going to bask in our free liquor. it’s ian’s last day here before he sails off in the coast guard for basically a year. amber will still be here for 8 months though. I cancelled my therapy appointment last week. i’ve only been to therapy once since before christmas and its when i had a double eye infection and a 102 fever. I was so drunk this weekend i fell down a flight of stairs. my whole body still hurts.

i went to my psychiatrist today. he increased my medication. just the anti depressants/anti anxiety ones though, not the stabilizers. the stabilizers seem to be working on a much lower dose than i had been on before. i guess thats good.
i had a job interview last week, which i blew horribly. which was unfortunate because i think they wanted to hire me before i went in. didnt get the job.

i dont know. i cried on public transportation today. i spent a long time debating if i should go to the er, but really it just makes it worse. i hate it there. i hate those people.
ironic, my life choices.

i have class tomorrow. and trivia. i made a deal with myself that if i really wont make it through the night i’d go to the er. i feel like i need to do that, for this cause i’ve been championing. maybe i dont make it but on my way out im going to get as much blood on this systems hands as possible: send me home. tell me im fine. i did my part to stop this.

class is triggering, i think.
everythings triggering.
i need a drink.

i dont know where this came from. but its back. round two (oR 24. whos counting). here we go.

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christmas 2013

all i want is for this video to embed. but it wont. because wordpress hates me. i tried uploading it but its an mp4, and you know im just not technologically savvy enough to work around that. so i’m linking it like a half hearted asshole.

look at all that family. lookatit.