Insomnia

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I am drunk.
I have slept 8 hours in the past week. I am so exhausted its hard to see straight but there’s a weird electricity in my first gets, behind my eyes
Going going going.
I drank all weekend, like usual. I’m actually at savannahs house right now. Everyone else is passed out on couches…  At the kitchen table wishing I hadn’t uninstalled skype from my phone so I could talk to eddie. My data is running out. It’s 430.

They doubled my antidepressants/anxiety meds but not my mood stabilizers. I think its the problem.

My sister in law wants.me to apply for a receptionist job at her office and I can’t even do it I’m so out of it.

I think about drowning myself most of everyday. My head feels like its spinning. I wish I were home.

I can’t even come up with something to do to pass the time. I’d go for a walk but its pouring and I’m in dartmouth and I wore shitty flats instead of real shoes.

I’m eating pineapple and listening to post rock and trying not to cry. Everything is so infuriating.

I’m meeting a guy from okcupid tomorrow. He’s intelligent and funny and holds a conversation and is similarly depressed as fuck. So maybe we will be friends. But he’s all good looking and runs I’m completely different crowds. Sleeps with multiple people in the same day, goes on a million dates a week. He says he’s really interested in people and like figuring people out and its awkward because people always take it like he likes them, and he’s a people pleaser so he goes along with it. So I’m assuming he just finds all my fucked upness intriguing and will disappear after tomorrow.

This is unfortunate because the late night convos about nothing are o e of the only things helping me hold shit together.

I’m done. I’m done done done done done.
I have this stupid psych class to do and that studentsns paper to write and I have to find a job and I’m on this stupid diet. They want me to speak at Dalhousie I. 2 weeks. What the hell am I supposed to say? Hi I’m bipolar, suicidal and an alcoholic. Lemme tell you about how we people with mental illnesses aren’t crazy suicidal alcoholics.

I just want to stop.
More than anything.
I just want it to stop.

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