i tried. i tried like 4 days in a row. this is as good as it got.
it’s been awhile.
I think i just needed the space for a bit, if that makes sense? which of course it doesnt because this place is just me sending words off into the abyss. no one reads it, or anything. but i needed some undocumented time for myself i guess. things got good enough. and the thing no one ever talks about with getting better is that you also have to figure out how being better works once you’re there. so here we are.
I have moved from having therapy twice a week to once a month. my psychiatrist has moved me from 3 week intervals to three month intervals – that means I’ve stabilized. Unfortunately, I am at the maximum dose of one of my medications in order to achieve this, so I think they will be trying to ween that down later in the year.
I’m working full time at StudentsNS again, now with a new fancy title: equity officer. i like it, it pays the bills and then some. i dont have to work and go to school now, which is also helping the stress levels. which brings me to the other large detail: I finally graduated. it was bright and sunny out, warm, didnt need coats. it was the only day like that we have had this spring. my parents came; my whole family went out for a fancy meal. i won the senate medal of distinction. then I came home and hosted a party for my friend mark, because he left for BC the next day.
man, grad robes just arent flattering.
Nicole and Mark have moved to BC which is awful and I hate it, but I am happy that Nicole got such a good opportunity. its been like 2 weeks and it already feels weird.friends, i love you, but stop having lives without me, god dammit.
I’ve decided to work on the community garden here; I’m growing herbs and some veggies so far. Trying to get involved in somethings; force myself into a routine out of the house. I’ve stopped drinking (my friends are having a hard time with that). It’s not a permanent thing, I still have a drink here and there, but I’ve stopped getting blackout wasted. when i drink a lot now i get deathly depressed for a few days. Learning to acknowledge this. Debating learning to row, or taking a painting class. I miss art.
I saw my grandfather today. his cancer has spread through all of his bones; they are disintegrating. he is in a lot of pain. i need to make more of an effort to get there and actually talk to him – meaning going without my parents because he only speaks to my father when i do that, really.
Learning to be better.