I have mixed drinks about my feelings.


welp. it’s 2:30 in the afternoon, and i’m writing here. never saw that one coming.

I’m supposed to be working.

I’m not. (Obviously).

Tomorrow is Canada Day (stat holiday). I have two massively important deadlines of Wednesday.
Yesterday I went shopping with my mom. I spent $70 on a fucking pair of shorts. I hate you, only pair of comfortable shorts. THen I went to my parents for supper.
Today my Dad called me at 830. then I went back to sleep. then my boss called me at 10. then I went back to sleep. my alarm went off incessantly and I slept. Now it is 2:30 and I am in bed typing this. On the upside, I was supposed to work from home today anyway. And I’m not supposed to work tomorrow, so in theory I can fix this.
Sometimes it’s weird that I have a job…

It is so hot in my apartment you stick to furniture and we go into the hallway to cool down. It is always hotter here than outside. We never turn the fans off. What I would give to live on the other side of the building this time of year.

I havent been drunk in 3 months. I have drank, but not hard liquor (that I can think of..) and barely hit buzzed. I’m fairly certain I am going to get tanked tonight. I don’t have a particular reason. I proved I could do it, maybe? Not drinking helps with the meds. Drinking helps with the friends. and thr anxiety. and the feeling like me. I want a break from life. and life isnt even bad.

I just realized I have to go to the drug store as I ran out of my meds this morning.

i think this is what like… normal low grade depression is. I have been here for awhile. I want to do less. I am not excited about things. But things are fine.

Is it normal to start hating that? I just want it to shove one way or the other; being here makes me antsy. This seems extremely abnormal but I am never very close to normal, as we have previously established.


Brandon’s mother came to visit this weekend. She’s nice. We walked down the boardwalk to the market and got farm fresh veggies. and valley strawberries (aka the best strawberries). Tonight I am going to Kale’s for a Canada party. Hence the slammered. I miss Kale so so so much. Like in my bones. He doesn’t have time for us these days.
I bought an ice cream cake from my sister for said party. my sister is doing surprisingly well at the moment, all things considered. Sean… not so much. In a multitude of ways, not the least of which is that his sister has been in the ICU for 3 weeks now. Doesn’t appear to be progressing much…

My Grandmother is getting age related dementia I think. She’s very clear in the moment, but at any given time her version of events is completely different. And she forgets how old I am, sometimes thinking im older than I am and sometimes forgetting Im not in high school. She often asks me how my thesis is going.
…I already graduated, Grandma…. you came to dinner.

Grampy is dying.
I haven’t visited enough.
I often think about what I will feel when I look back at this time period. Will I regret not getting there more? I am of two minds. First, yes, obviously. I already regret not getting to know him better growing up, though there were a lot of outside forces at play that were beyond my control. And he’s very important to my father, and my father is very important to me, so by nature I should have known him better than I do. But on the other hand… we werent close, and he is in pain and we dont have much to talk about, and when I go with my father he doesnt really even talk to me… I should go by myself tomorrow, maybe. Ask him about his childhood, or something. He must have such interesting stories I know nothing about. This is the time, I suppose. I didn’t really get that with Grammy; they thought she was better until one day she wasnt.

It’s 254. I’m going to go to the drugstore and get my meds and then I really need to force myself to get something done.. anything done. Or I’m going to get in trouble. Which will be awkward because I’m getting drunk with my boss tonight.


This and that


I’m not going to lie to you, I dont have anything of interest to say. BUT I’m trying to write about things that arent about being crazy sometimes. I follow a lot of mental illness blogs and my god does it get repetitive.

I hit my deadline today! The draft of the disabilities report that i have legit been talking about since JULY 2013 (fuck.) has been finally been publically released. In other words, 20 some odd people are going to send me feedback about all the shit they dont like about it, and then I get to write it again. Yay…. haha but I feel good about it. I really didnt think this day was going to ever come. ALSO, the Director of Research had a report that was supposed to be released today and he missed the deadline, which makes me feel slightly better about the fact I’ve had to work like 30 hours of overtime to get it done. Though his will inevitably still kick mines ass. thats not the point here, dammit.

Im participating in the walk/run/wheel fundraiser for spina bifida on saturday. its in the valle and i have to get up unreasonably early. and then drive for an hour, then walk 10 km, then drive an hour home. but im oddly excited about it? I dont know i never claimed to make sense. The girl who is organizing it is “working with me” on the disabilities report (she hasnt read it let alone wrote any of it yet. god love her if she doesnt provide some seriously useful feedback.) so its nice to go support.

i tried to sign up for a continuing ed painting class at my alma matter today. turns out their “summer” classes are from may till june/early july. UNIMPRESSED. i was excited about that.

Anyway, I suppose its 2 am and I have barely slept this week so I should probably get on that.
Yaaaaay for boring!



Recent obsession.

I’ve been wanting to post here more often; I feel safer when I write. There is something concrete about words on paper (or keyboards and computer screens) that makes reality feel solidified. I still think about things like that; things like that still infiltrate my life. It’s weird, when you think about it? people always talk about mental illness like it is or it isnt. like reality is a constant, unchangeable truth. it isnt. reality doesnt exist.

I am well, but I am having a strange day. I think this little shelf of discomfort and anxiety is what most people would consider to be problematic, or diagnosable, or whatever, but I think this little piece of unfortunate needs to be left alone.

is it normal to have days where you just feel oddly tight chested and on the verge of tears, stressed? I think it is. Though I am fairly certain it is effecting my job performance.

Theres this animation meant to talk about stress and depression I think… its made by Egg. Anyway, its like everyone has a bucket, and everything each person has to do or life events or whatever adds water to their buckets. eventually, too much water, the bucket overflows and life goes to hell. but each persons bucket is a different size. Last summer, my bucket shrank, or maybe stopped existing. and today I have a bucket but I’m still patching the holes, I suppose. I think having the holes seep while I learn to patch them up is better than trying to stuff them full of medication until the water finds a way to force its way out anyway.

its a bit of a convoluted metaphor.

to simplify, I’ve been taking a lot of ativan and having really bad shakes lately. a lot. its been taking the edge off but that stuff has never really worked. which i suppose sounds contradictory to what i just wrote, but i dont think it is. i realize there is a certain level of medicated that i need to be to maintain regular functioning. i have no qualms with that. in fact i would go so far as to say the epival, wellbutrin and ativan form my damn bucket. but everyone keeps telling me to call and get more meds. more meds. meds are the solution to everything… theyre not. you take the pills to build the bucket. once you have the bucket, its up to you to handle the water. you dont just make the bucket bigger when theres a hole in it.

ok, now its a downright nonsensical metaphor.

I guess things are just odd. if i had to do those “mood pictures” (you know the ones with the line horizontally down the middle and what is inevitably described as the “mood sine wave” of bipolar disorder? no? ok just think of a sine wave) i think i would still be at or just below the center line, which in my books is doing well. its probably just life stress stuff and small bucket stuff more than crazy stuff. so we work through it.

one of my friends (friend a) is sleeping with one of my other friends (friend b) who has a girlfriend. we all hated the girlfriend from the get go. but friend b already told friend a he wasnt leaving his girlfriend and friend a is all… lets keep sleeping together i love you. and its saaaaaaad. friend a is just.. settling for scraps… and friend b is a gigantic dickbag player. i dont know. but its making me highly dislike being around them. NOT TO MENTION. FRIEND B KEEPS BRINGING HIS GIRLFRIEND TO EVENTS WHERE THERES LIKE 5 OF US INCLUDING FRIEND A. its gross. i hate it. who does that? everyone hates being around them now. its ruining things.

You know what else bothers me? people and their love of animals. i dont like animals. whhhhy does this make me so terrible? no i dont want to watch 17 snap chats of your cat. im sorry. no, i dont want to look at “adorable” cats on the internet. please stop texting them to me. no, i dont want to cat sit for you because your cat “doesnt like to be alone at night”. Well I dont like being near your cat at night. jesus. its like all the things people bitch about with facebook and the baby pictures except it’s their fucking cats. my facebook feed is essentially the crazy cat ladies of the future. insert gun to head motion here.

and. AND. im getting interveiwed by the pr department at my former university because they want to brag about me. only… i really dislike that school. im struggling to come up with nice things to say. i just… ugh.

moving on.

im tired and apparently cranky. i cant quite justify a mental health week but i quite want one. taking a mental health night, anyway. me bed and orange is the new black have a date. i best get to it, it seems