I have mixed drinks about my feelings.


welp. it’s 2:30 in the afternoon, and i’m writing here. never saw that one coming.

I’m supposed to be working.

I’m not. (Obviously).

Tomorrow is Canada Day (stat holiday). I have two massively important deadlines of Wednesday.
Yesterday I went shopping with my mom. I spent $70 on a fucking pair of shorts. I hate you, only pair of comfortable shorts. THen I went to my parents for supper.
Today my Dad called me at 830. then I went back to sleep. then my boss called me at 10. then I went back to sleep. my alarm went off incessantly and I slept. Now it is 2:30 and I am in bed typing this. On the upside, I was supposed to work from home today anyway. And I’m not supposed to work tomorrow, so in theory I can fix this.
Sometimes it’s weird that I have a job…

It is so hot in my apartment you stick to furniture and we go into the hallway to cool down. It is always hotter here than outside. We never turn the fans off. What I would give to live on the other side of the building this time of year.

I havent been drunk in 3 months. I have drank, but not hard liquor (that I can think of..) and barely hit buzzed. I’m fairly certain I am going to get tanked tonight. I don’t have a particular reason. I proved I could do it, maybe? Not drinking helps with the meds. Drinking helps with the friends. and thr anxiety. and the feeling like me. I want a break from life. and life isnt even bad.

I just realized I have to go to the drug store as I ran out of my meds this morning.

i think this is what like… normal low grade depression is. I have been here for awhile. I want to do less. I am not excited about things. But things are fine.

Is it normal to start hating that? I just want it to shove one way or the other; being here makes me antsy. This seems extremely abnormal but I am never very close to normal, as we have previously established.


Brandon’s mother came to visit this weekend. She’s nice. We walked down the boardwalk to the market and got farm fresh veggies. and valley strawberries (aka the best strawberries). Tonight I am going to Kale’s for a Canada party. Hence the slammered. I miss Kale so so so much. Like in my bones. He doesn’t have time for us these days.
I bought an ice cream cake from my sister for said party. my sister is doing surprisingly well at the moment, all things considered. Sean… not so much. In a multitude of ways, not the least of which is that his sister has been in the ICU for 3 weeks now. Doesn’t appear to be progressing much…

My Grandmother is getting age related dementia I think. She’s very clear in the moment, but at any given time her version of events is completely different. And she forgets how old I am, sometimes thinking im older than I am and sometimes forgetting Im not in high school. She often asks me how my thesis is going.
…I already graduated, Grandma…. you came to dinner.

Grampy is dying.
I haven’t visited enough.
I often think about what I will feel when I look back at this time period. Will I regret not getting there more? I am of two minds. First, yes, obviously. I already regret not getting to know him better growing up, though there were a lot of outside forces at play that were beyond my control. And he’s very important to my father, and my father is very important to me, so by nature I should have known him better than I do. But on the other hand… we werent close, and he is in pain and we dont have much to talk about, and when I go with my father he doesnt really even talk to me… I should go by myself tomorrow, maybe. Ask him about his childhood, or something. He must have such interesting stories I know nothing about. This is the time, I suppose. I didn’t really get that with Grammy; they thought she was better until one day she wasnt.

It’s 254. I’m going to go to the drugstore and get my meds and then I really need to force myself to get something done.. anything done. Or I’m going to get in trouble. Which will be awkward because I’m getting drunk with my boss tonight.


4 thoughts on “I have mixed drinks about my feelings.

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