life and the end


my grandfather passed this morning.


i hope my dads ok.

im not.




welp. theres two reasons i should be writing this; im going to start with the positive one.

its thanksgiving! and while this should be a day where we all recognize the horrendous actions of our ancestors and aid in creating a better society, lets be honest, that aint north america’s style, so I’m going to talk about things that are good and eating turkey.

last weekend we had friendsgiving, where all my non-blood famjam (ie the poop circle) came to my apartment and we had a potluck supper. IT WAS SO GOOD. i am unsure family thanksgiving can compete. Amber and Ian stayed here for a couple nights, which was awesome because I miss Amber SO. SOOOOO MUCH. and I hadnt seen Ian in months because he was stationed in BC for 8 months this year.

A lot of things have been going well lately. My grandmother has been losing her sight and we didnt think shed be able to read again, but her vision was mostly fixed this week. she is ecstatic. it is adorable. I made her supper tonight; we played cards and she kept showing me her completed crossword puzzles and the books shes reading. i like it. its nice to see her happy again.

Im planning a trip to see my brother in december, and flights strangely got $300 cheaper. whaaaaa.

Im still studying for the GREs, and while the word problem algebra questions may be kicking my ass, turns out i still remember geometry: cha ching.

I have had really good times with my family lately. Im terrified of moving away for multiple years to go to grad school. Im very thankful for the family I have been born into. I wish more people had relationships with their grandparents. i wish more people still got to see their siblings on a regular basis. i wish more people got to see their nieces and nephews grow up.

And then theres the bad reason for writing this.

Last Thursday we went to my parents for supper. my mom called me on my drive there to asked when id get there and there was something weird in her voice, but she said everything was fine. I may have spent the entire ride assuming my grandfather died (he is fine). we ate, the kids played. My sister had made an apple pie. we sat down for dessert, most of us with pie, my super healthy brother eating apples. then my Dad said “well, now that everyone’s sitting down..” and the world stopped a little.

My Dad’s cancer is back. It is worse. Radiation didnt work. It is possible he may just go back on hormone therapy, but it’s more likely he’ll need chemo.

So theres that.

Jeff stared at the table, handing Lucy more and more ice cream (that she’d never get to eat normally) as we asked questions. I slowly ate all my pie. Amy got all teary. Mom kept hugging us. Jeff got pie. We stress ate, as a family.

I am grateful that I am Canadian, and that this wont bankrupt us. I am grateful that my grandmother is turning 90 and is still mentally together and able to do crosswords. I am grateful my brother is willing to have me in his home whenever I want, so I can have a relationship with his kids. I am grateful for friends that move 1600 miles away, that I still talk to everyday. I am grateful that when my sister dropped me off, I wanted to tell my roommate that my dad was sick. I am grateful that my boss is my best friend. I am grateful to have friends who, without knowing why i was upset, called to take me out to supper.

Happy Thanksgiving, internet.