it’s britney, bitch

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im baaaaack.

back to better. who knows why, lets not question it shall we?

I’m in a weird Maroon 5 mood lately. not sure why. Adam Lavine sort of bugs me as a person, generally speaking, and as much as one can judge from interviews and scripted/edited clips from the voice. But this and ‘Lucky Strike’ are stuck in my head far too much lately.

So my Dad saw the medical oncologist who seemed to have much better news. Instead of starting treatment right now, theyre waiting until after christmas to do another blood test and establish a growth rate before determining treatment, which is good. my parents got drunk when they found out. in the adorable, bottle of red wine way. not the bad, brown bagged way.

Lucy isnt doing great.  She has an enlarged ventricle in her heart (possibly caused by her breathing issues) that caused her surgery to get cancelled, so her breathing issues remain unfixed.  She also recently got diagnosed with epilepsy, though theyre still determining what type.  the first medication hasnt worked, which means its not the kind kids usually grow out of. Lucy has gone through some shit for being 3. not even three. 2 and 10.5 months.

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I am considering going with my parents to visit Joe and the kids in Philly in a week and a bit.  I was going to go by myself in December but I dont know if I can do babysitting duty for that long…. also the parents are driving so that would be considerably cheaper.

decisions decisions.

not going to grad school next year. everyone has sufficiently talked me into waiting another year. im pretty gutted about it.  im trying to ignore it with thoughts of travel that ill probably have to go into debt for because thats a practical solution, right?

…so greece, then?

how do i get through this?

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i dont… im bawling. just bawling. all the coping strategies dont work. being at my parents house isnt making me want to die less. i dont feel better. i feel tired. i feel like being awake is so exhausting i feel like im suffocating. i feel like sitting completely still is more work than i can stand. i feel like a quivering uncontrollable mass of tears.

and then sometimes i can push it to the back of my mind for an hour or twelve and everyone does this sigh of relief like oh good she isnt going to kill herself and now everythings fine.
and i want it to be. i want it to be fine for them. how do you make it fine for them?

i dont know how to stop it.
i dont know what i am am going to do. literally. i have no forethought in my decisions. i stand in showers for hours. i walk down wooded paths at 4 am. i shove copious amounts of food down my throat. i think about how nice it would be to jump off a bridge. i make lists of people who would be sad if i died and then justify to myself that because i can make the list, mean i can recognize that people would care and that i dont think theyd all just be better off without me, though maybe they would, that im probably fine and probably overreacting.

and then if finally gets bad enough to the point where i try to call my psychiatrist, like my therapist suggested, to get him to admit me instead of trying to go through the er because i cant do the er, and you cant even leave messages after hours and what the fuck am i going to do?

how. how do i do this.
i dont want to do this to people. i dont want to be the create the wake of sadness in other peoples lives. how do i stop this. i cant i cant i cant i cant
nothing feels right anymore. i just.. i just cant

do i think im going to kill myself right now?

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i’ve lost the ability to tell. ive lost trust in my ability to keep myself safe. its a feeling you cant explain to someone who hasnt been there. everyone thinks suicide comes from a slow growing sadness that eventually just takes over. and it does, for some, id suppose… but i just feel like im coming unhinged. like my actions dont make sense, like my feelings are inconsistent.

public places make me anxious.
everything is sort of awful in ways i dont know how to talk about.

do i want to commit myself?
would that help?
would i lose my job?

…am i going to kill myself?