i dont… im bawling. just bawling. all the coping strategies dont work. being at my parents house isnt making me want to die less. i dont feel better. i feel tired. i feel like being awake is so exhausting i feel like im suffocating. i feel like sitting completely still is more work than i can stand. i feel like a quivering uncontrollable mass of tears.
and then sometimes i can push it to the back of my mind for an hour or twelve and everyone does this sigh of relief like oh good she isnt going to kill herself and now everythings fine.
and i want it to be. i want it to be fine for them. how do you make it fine for them?
i dont know how to stop it.
i dont know what i am am going to do. literally. i have no forethought in my decisions. i stand in showers for hours. i walk down wooded paths at 4 am. i shove copious amounts of food down my throat. i think about how nice it would be to jump off a bridge. i make lists of people who would be sad if i died and then justify to myself that because i can make the list, mean i can recognize that people would care and that i dont think theyd all just be better off without me, though maybe they would, that im probably fine and probably overreacting.
and then if finally gets bad enough to the point where i try to call my psychiatrist, like my therapist suggested, to get him to admit me instead of trying to go through the er because i cant do the er, and you cant even leave messages after hours and what the fuck am i going to do?
how. how do i do this.
i dont want to do this to people. i dont want to be the create the wake of sadness in other peoples lives. how do i stop this. i cant i cant i cant i cant
nothing feels right anymore. i just.. i just cant