Bell “lets talk” day

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in canada there is a massive phone company called bell. once a year they have bell lets talk day, where they donate a nickle for every text, call, share, hashtag whatever into a mental health fund which people then apply for grants to get the cash.

its great. i cant complain.

today is lets talk day.

and people are talking. so many people are posting stories of their hardships and struggles and labels. and i can, and have, done this numerous times as well. here are my labels, see my labels, see words and not feelings, not states, not the disease. see normal. equate normal with these words, but not with the symptoms.

sometimes i so badly want to just post: hi, i have mental health issues and they dont go away. i did not recover. i will not recover. i spend 320-1000 dollars a month of therapy. I take 12 mental illness related pills a day. they are making me pretty sick right now.

and today i want to die.

so you want to talk about mental illness? thats the purpose of the day? there are times when i dont sleep for days on end and colors get really bright and i talk too fast like i cant catch my own thoughts. i get reckless and drink quarts of liquor by myself at night. there are times when i dont leave my house for weeks. i cant brush my hair. i cant go to the grocery store without having a panic attack. i have a suicide planned so perfectly it could be enacted at any moment and none of you would see it coming.

but im not going to kill myself. and sometimes, not killing myself is all i do with a day. and sometimes, thats an accomplishment. because i may be in bed and i spend the day staring at a wall, but i didnt spend it six feet under so today is a good day.

this is mental illness. the down and the dirty and the parts nobody wants to hear or talk about. the parts that make everyone so uncomfortable they wish they hadnt seen them. it is not the stigma of a label that is the problem it is the misunderstanding of what that it means to be accepting of mental illness, to treat and support the mentally ill, and the deluded idea that ‘recovery’ means ‘cured’.

there are people in life who feel like safe havens for my mental illness, and its usually other mentally ill people.i wish i could develop some way to translate the knowledge, the comfort, the support of those people to the general public. i wish everyone who was like me had people like them. but the truth is, most of us dont, and i have just been lucky.

and what this day should be about, needs to be about, is not placating ourselves with the idea that we are de-stigmatizing words. it needs to be about creating a culture that is always a safe haven.

status quo

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so, about that writing more thing? yeah. that didnt seem to happen did it? … whoops

I went to my psychiatrist’s yesterday, basically as routine check up on my meds. But I had to talk about my psychologist and his making me go to therapy more often and the fact that ive gained 20 pounds since he upped my medication last time. ie, in 4 months. So, the process for med switching has begun, and all thoughts of taking on the new job have been crushed. In some ways its easier now, because I have an excuse, in other ways I’m just so god damn angry.

i dont handle medications well. zyprexa, resperidone, basically all first generation atypicals make me swell like a balloon, and get spinny headed.  it doesnt make much sense as they are completely different drugs from one another, but there you go.  so ive been on an anti seizure med for the vast majority of my bipolar life (5-6 years, 2 year break, 1.5 years now), but they seem to make me gain weight, and balance my mood, but to a low grade depression.  so im getting slowly transitioned to abilify theres a cost benefit analysis there, and im not sure ive made the right choice. low grade depression sucks, but nowhere near as much as bipolar depression. or bipolar anything, really.

so, long story short, im afraid this transition is going to go badly, as they almost always do, and negative impact my job/ability to do jon’s job.  this is basically self discrimination, and if jon had said it it would be blatant discrimination, but the organization cant afford to have an ED that could potentially go down of february and march.

so. thats that. i guess.

Streams of insomnia

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Its 430 in the morning and I can’t sleep. It’s been like this for a bit now; I thought tonight would be different because I got up so early this morning but it’s not. I can’t stop thinking, over and over and over. I’m going to type the thoughts so maybe they will go away

Should I apply for Jons job? I could hire a good team. I’d be good at it. if I was healthy. Am I going to be healthy? I’m never healthy. I’m not healthy now. Jon is going to move away. Thats will have been andrea, Nicole, mark, amber, Ian and jon. Basically all of my support system/ best friends. I will be alone. I’m not going to take this well. I am going to be sick. I want to talk to someone about it but the only person to talk to is jon and I can’t tell him without it being weird and awkward. Or my therapist but honestly therapy just seems futile lately I dont enjoy it and I’m getting nothing from it, repeat repeat repeat. I went to this mend the gap meeting today and one of the people bothers me soo much. Irrationally. I may be going manic I guess except I’m so tired I just can’t sleep. I miss Andrea a lot. I might write her a letter.  My world has gotten small and is only going to get smaller I don’t know at what point one calls it quits.  I miss my grandfather today. I havent visited my grandmother since Christmas. I have two entire days of board meetings this weekend. I havent talked to James yet. I think James is avoiding me. I wasn’t even really involved. I want to live by myself soon. I’d make more money if I took Jons job, but not by much since I’m getting a raise anyway. Sometimes it feels hard to breathe, like something is sitting on my ribcage. Dead weight of myself. My meds aren’t working, they are making me gain weight. Dislike. I need to go to the gym. Starting allergy elimination diet again tomorrow, not excited. Why can’t I sleep why can’t I sleep why can’t I sleep

Debating getting up, drinking tea and watching Netflix blankly with yesterdays eyeliner smeared on my face and little ability to come out if my own head like the Sumner of 2013. I kind of miss it there. In all of its gut wrenching awfulness there’s something so clear cut about it. You are incapacitated. You can stop everything but making sure youre still breathing.

I wonder what its like for people who can breathe without conscious consideration. Without making the choice, every second of everyday. It must be so light.

But here things are heavy.

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i knew who i was this morning, but i’ve changed a few times since then.

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I dont usually do New Year’s resolutions.  Not because I dont believe in them – quite the opposite actually – but because I feel like my new beginnings dont coincide with dates. something about an illness that is a continuous series of falling apart and piecing yourself back together that instills a feeling of ‘starting over’ more often than usual, I suppose. However, it seems my drive to start over has happened to fall in line with everyone elses this time around, so it is time for a blog post that blends in with the masses (it is odd that i find this comforting, right?).

I want to make more things. Painting helps. I like it.  Im not bad at it, even though I think I am because I went to art school with people who were really good at it. I can do something just to do something. that can be a thing. thats a thing I’m working on, and this is how I would like to do it. I would like to paint more things.

I want to write more. Sometimes I dont have anything to say.  Sometimes I can force myself to raise my head off the floor let alone type. Sometimes I forget about it.  And it results in a blog off depressing shit that isnt fun to go back and review.  Not that writing more would ensure happier entries, but at least i’d have the benefit of more frequent processing.

I want to end the year debt free.  I ended this year debt free, aside from the $3500 left on my student loan that i pay in installments.  I started my job in April with over $4000 in credit card debt.  It felt good to get rid of that, especially considering I was dishing out $640 a month on therapy some months (that is more than my rent, and doesnt even include medication. being mentally ill is hard on the bank account).

I want to eat better.  Not in the typical its january diet way (ok, maybe that too), but in the I have food allergies, and sensitivities, and i’ve been ignoring them and i’m in constant abdominal pain because i dont like sticking out or not being able to participate in things. i want to not be sick.

I want to read more. I love books, but I havent been able to concentrate long enough to read anything worthwhile since i went crazy in 2013. I used to read a few books a month, so this year im doing the 50 book challenge. because i dont watch tv! this is all brandons influence. i never used to watch tv, let alone rewatch tv. its awful. tv is awful. americas next top model has over 20 seasons? really, society? what are we doing here.

made up with mom.

its 1 pm and i havent slept yet.  going to pass out soon. did work for several hours this morning though, so that counts for something right?

new years was good. sam, donna and jon came over. we drank reasonable amounts and hung out and played games. got just drunk enough that scategories was hilarious but not so drunk that i had a headache in the morning.  i think this is growing up.

time for meds, and bed.   its my last day alone in the apartment before brandon gets home. i need to sleep now so i can soak the  calmness of the night in, haha.