i knew who i was this morning, but i’ve changed a few times since then.

Standard

I dont usually do New Year’s resolutions.  Not because I dont believe in them – quite the opposite actually – but because I feel like my new beginnings dont coincide with dates. something about an illness that is a continuous series of falling apart and piecing yourself back together that instills a feeling of ‘starting over’ more often than usual, I suppose. However, it seems my drive to start over has happened to fall in line with everyone elses this time around, so it is time for a blog post that blends in with the masses (it is odd that i find this comforting, right?).

I want to make more things. Painting helps. I like it.  Im not bad at it, even though I think I am because I went to art school with people who were really good at it. I can do something just to do something. that can be a thing. thats a thing I’m working on, and this is how I would like to do it. I would like to paint more things.

I want to write more. Sometimes I dont have anything to say.  Sometimes I can force myself to raise my head off the floor let alone type. Sometimes I forget about it.  And it results in a blog off depressing shit that isnt fun to go back and review.  Not that writing more would ensure happier entries, but at least i’d have the benefit of more frequent processing.

I want to end the year debt free.  I ended this year debt free, aside from the $3500 left on my student loan that i pay in installments.  I started my job in April with over $4000 in credit card debt.  It felt good to get rid of that, especially considering I was dishing out $640 a month on therapy some months (that is more than my rent, and doesnt even include medication. being mentally ill is hard on the bank account).

I want to eat better.  Not in the typical its january diet way (ok, maybe that too), but in the I have food allergies, and sensitivities, and i’ve been ignoring them and i’m in constant abdominal pain because i dont like sticking out or not being able to participate in things. i want to not be sick.

I want to read more. I love books, but I havent been able to concentrate long enough to read anything worthwhile since i went crazy in 2013. I used to read a few books a month, so this year im doing the 50 book challenge. because i dont watch tv! this is all brandons influence. i never used to watch tv, let alone rewatch tv. its awful. tv is awful. americas next top model has over 20 seasons? really, society? what are we doing here.

made up with mom.

its 1 pm and i havent slept yet.  going to pass out soon. did work for several hours this morning though, so that counts for something right?

new years was good. sam, donna and jon came over. we drank reasonable amounts and hung out and played games. got just drunk enough that scategories was hilarious but not so drunk that i had a headache in the morning.  i think this is growing up.

time for meds, and bed.   its my last day alone in the apartment before brandon gets home. i need to sleep now so i can soak the  calmness of the night in, haha.

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