Its 430 in the morning and I can’t sleep. It’s been like this for a bit now; I thought tonight would be different because I got up so early this morning but it’s not. I can’t stop thinking, over and over and over. I’m going to type the thoughts so maybe they will go away
Should I apply for Jons job? I could hire a good team. I’d be good at it. if I was healthy. Am I going to be healthy? I’m never healthy. I’m not healthy now. Jon is going to move away. Thats will have been andrea, Nicole, mark, amber, Ian and jon. Basically all of my support system/ best friends. I will be alone. I’m not going to take this well. I am going to be sick. I want to talk to someone about it but the only person to talk to is jon and I can’t tell him without it being weird and awkward. Or my therapist but honestly therapy just seems futile lately I dont enjoy it and I’m getting nothing from it, repeat repeat repeat. I went to this mend the gap meeting today and one of the people bothers me soo much. Irrationally. I may be going manic I guess except I’m so tired I just can’t sleep. I miss Andrea a lot. I might write her a letter. My world has gotten small and is only going to get smaller I don’t know at what point one calls it quits. I miss my grandfather today. I havent visited my grandmother since Christmas. I have two entire days of board meetings this weekend. I havent talked to James yet. I think James is avoiding me. I wasn’t even really involved. I want to live by myself soon. I’d make more money if I took Jons job, but not by much since I’m getting a raise anyway. Sometimes it feels hard to breathe, like something is sitting on my ribcage. Dead weight of myself. My meds aren’t working, they are making me gain weight. Dislike. I need to go to the gym. Starting allergy elimination diet again tomorrow, not excited. Why can’t I sleep why can’t I sleep why can’t I sleep
Debating getting up, drinking tea and watching Netflix blankly with yesterdays eyeliner smeared on my face and little ability to come out if my own head like the Sumner of 2013. I kind of miss it there. In all of its gut wrenching awfulness there’s something so clear cut about it. You are incapacitated. You can stop everything but making sure youre still breathing.
I wonder what its like for people who can breathe without conscious consideration. Without making the choice, every second of everyday. It must be so light.
But here things are heavy.