to the beat

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that awkward moment when you’ve started a blog and realize you have nothing to say.

ive been flatlined and paranoid for awhile, but they switched my meds around and it seems to be getting better. like my heart is beating again. im now on prozac (and abilify and wellbutrin and ativan and and and). like typical depressed girl! so theres that. something about taking capsules instead of hard pills makes things feel more official. status: nutjob.

tomorrow is the pride party. we are slacking this year and it makes me miss living with brandon. no one is decorating or making jello shots and i didnt make any rainbow food. growing up sort of sucks.

ive been watching symphony of science videos for like half an hour. i dont know why. here, enjoy:

ive also had this song stuck in my head on repeat for like 3 days:

its not even that great a song. but there it is. all the time.

im back to work but barely working. i dont know what to do with all my time. im trying to write this paper but i dont have the answers i need from anyone. blah.

my grandmothers been having dementia lately. its sad. its makes me sad.

im kind of debating sleeping with someone i shouldnt sleep with just for the hell of it. is that bad?

i also havent got my period in two months and thats freaking me out but all the pregnancy tests come back negative. doctors appointment next week…

blah blah blah. i dont know where my instinct to write went but its gone. ill try again tomorrow.

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It could.

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Oh how I wish sleep and I were on better terms.

Luckily I’m still on sick leave from work so at least I don’t have to get up in the morning. Except for therapy and the gym in the afternoon. I’ve started going back to the gym. I thought it would help the sleep but mostly it just makes it hurt to laugh (oh, ab workouts). Regardless, probably a good thing.

So I’m thinking about quitting my job.

Jon is gone and I’m slowly realizing I actually hate core aspects of my job. I really like organizing things and getting funding and things like that but I sort of hate the fundamental government advocacy parts.

My therapist has been telling me I hate my job for a long time and I didn’t believe him.

Turns out, I kind of hate my job.

The problem.being of course that I’m.not sure any other job would be any better. I feel a little guilty being on sick leave and getting paid while contemplating quitting.

My dad is in Arizona right now for a clinical trial.on his cancer. Good news around- still at stage 3c, not quite to stage 4. So good in that stage fournis bad, but bad in that he’s still at stage three after two years of treatment that seem to not have had much effect.

It’s hard to take sometimes.

I’m so tired I can’t be witty. I will probably write more tomorrow so I’ll stop now before I give myself too many things that I’m sure to repeat once I’m awake.

Sweet dreams, internet land. May all your parents be healthy.