bell lets talk day makes me feel weird. i feel weird for talking about it, i feel weird not talking about it. its like a no win situation. i wasnt going to talk about it this year, but i did. i said this:

ive gotten a surprising number of questions about why im not posting for ‪#‎bellletstalk‬. ive done it before and im sure ill do it again but right now i am tired of presenting mental health in a light where recovery and “normalcy” are at the center of the discussion. the majority of you know i have bipolar disorder and PTSD, because it changes how i live my day to day life in ways that ive stopped bothering to hide. so im done posting my story like it has an ending, or like theres something i want you to do or acknowledge about it. its just my life. so if you want to know my ups, downs, and over the edges, if that helps you somehow then you can read them. if you need to talk i will listen. if you need company at the er at 4 am ill be there. but i dont have a “mental health story”. i have my life. they arent separate.

and i linked the september 2013 on this blog.

i am freaking out.

i didnt really think this through; no one knew this existed. for one. and two, a lot of people i care about are making their first hey i have anxiety! or whatever posts and i really hope i didnt offend them or hurt their feelings.

and then theres bell, the company, which is kind of awful, but we wont get into that.

so. i think i feel like writing again. its time. ive been off my meds for awhile, ive been sliding all over the place. i did a lot of cocaine and slept with some questionable people. i concocted a plan to drown myself in a half frozen lake. i started coloring to pass the time.

im on medical leave from work. or im supposed to be but get an ROE from them is like ripping my own teeth out of my skull with pilers. only i might prefer that.

i went to my shrink today and decided to go back on medication. because im a reasonable human being, at my core. so im going to be trying lamotrigine on top of my abilify, wellbutrin, clonazepam, and ativan. its supposed to be better for the depressive symptoms than most of the others ive been on, which is good, because my typical is having more problems with downs than ups, though for the past few months my mixed episode has definitely had more problems with ups. so im weary. im also preparing myself for the inevitable vomiting that is about to occur. it doesnt help that i already have the flu.

i think thats all im going to say for today because i think, judging from the stats counter, people are reading this today. most will likely forget about it by tomorrow. so maybe tomorrow will feel a little more safe.