in which things became more reasonable

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well. that was short lived.
not that its over.
just… changed.

we will live in our bubble for the times when we’re around each other and fly around to see each other but its going to stay casual. or as casual as it can with the i love yous thrown in. im not going to tell anyone anything other than we’re friends who hook up. and that’ll be that.

i knew it was crazy to begin with so realistically this makes more practical sense. so he probably wont be my date to my friends wedding, and i probably wont look at grad schools in the midwest. and all those other stupid silly pipe dreams people come up with when theyre far apart.

so i guess the long and short of it is that this turned out exactly how i said all relationships with married poly guys do but im still doing it anyway. its just not a relationship anymore, really, so i dont have to worry about the poly thing now. and he can date more, i suppose.

for all the practicality it feels a bit like a sucker punch to the gut though.

and then i sobbed

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i dont know how or where to start and im not in a state to figure it out so im just going to talk.

i know love is supposed to be all you need out of things. and it feels like that sometimes. like we’ll figure the rest out sometime.

but i dont know if i can do this. being poly is not a thing i ever wanted. i mean ill do it, because its practical, because it feels even, because it makes other things matter less. because i love him even though i shouldnt. but its not a natural feeling. its a horrible awful feeling most of the time.

i blew off a date this morning, by accident. i legit just forgot. but i dont know, about this whole thing.

i know he expects me to be ok with it and im trying. its not like its his fault im not very good at it. i knew what i was getting into. and hes nice about it. i think in his ideal world his wife and i would be best friends and/or people who fuck, so i mean, i guess we are meeting in the middle at the moment.

so im trying.

but it feels like im giving up so much all of the time. and i get thats its mostly because im uncomfortable and i just need to work on that. but its so hard. and it hurts so bad.

he wants me to go visit and stay in his house and see his life. and like, i want to on most levels. i spend a lot of time imagining how meeting his wife would go and im pretty sure it would be fine, id just have to sleep alone and act like a guest because thats what i would be doing and nothing else would feel right even though he says we’d just sleep in the guest room and it would be fine. and it would, probably, but here we are.

he’s not out as poly and all the things i wrote about last time about married people apply here. he’s not going to tell anyone (besides his wife, obviously) and its just going to be this secret things that exists between the two of us. and theres something romantic about that. sweet little bubble.

but its also sort of awful; like it doesnt count at all. like im overly invested in something i shouldnt be. like when youre in a friends with benefits situation and you start to catch feelings and youre just like ‘well fuck’.

i think that would offend him.

he tells me he loves me all the time and i believe him. which is crazy. but i dont know if it counts in this situation.

i know im getting too far ahead of myself and that the next step is his coming here and seeing if things even line up like they should. like all this stuff is stuff to worry about later.

but right now its all too too much. so im just going to sob by myself until theres no tears left in my body and no thoughts left in my head and thats going to be ok. im going to let myself stop trying for just couple hours. i need to stop trying for a couple hours.

felt like this.

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theres so much to say and i have no idea how to say it.

things have been going pretty well for me since going on medical leave, like i feel like shit is coming together for the first time in a long time, so its not that. i dont need to talk about the pitch pitch black or the other end of the spectrum. i can do that. talking about that is easy now.

its the regular life stuff. or the not so regular, in this particular case. the words just dont flow as easily. but i’ve always been the person who needs to talk things through with people and since im not telling any of the people i normally talk things out with, that only leaves here (and oh man is nats going to kill me for not telling her sooner if/when she eventually finds out).

so here we go.

ive been doing something weird. i am doing something weird. and that something weird has lead to some pretty massive life changes for me. so i guess i have to start there.

i met a guy online. it wasnt supposed to be like that. it was a stupid drunken r4r post meant to kill time one night when i was sad and needed distractions so i didnt get myself obliterated home alone because i thought my grandmother was dying and even though im doing well, im not doing that well, and alcohol will always be how i solve that.

and man this is going to be the only place i ever admit this in its entirety.

but i met a guy online and something clicked. i dont know what, or how, or even really why, i cant explain it at all, it just did. quickly.

and he lives far away. not like other side of the world far but far like not within a days drive and this is crazy and stupid and im an adult what the hell am i doing??

im picking at my nail polish to avoid writing the rest of this entry. i dont know why i make myself so uncomfortable. i already told the one person in my life who reads my blog (hi eddie), and the other person that i know who reads my blog already knows everything because hes the guy i met online. so.

like fuck, what am i doing?

so thats weird enough. i could stop there and that would be enough for people to think im fucked in the head (for a new reason for once!) and i wouldnt blame them. buuuut theres more.

as i mentioned last time, he’s married. and poly. and did i mention married?
the poly thing almost doesnt bother me anymore. almost. i will talk about that. but the married bit still gets me. ive always had a no dating married poly guys rule because they are almost always not actually poly and really just mean they have friends with benefits while theyre wholly only in love with their wife ( and no one else) and youre some sort of extra play thing. but even when they arent douche bags and actually are poly i just never got why you would marry someone if youre actually poly. like it doesnt make sense to me. it makes every other relationship you have inferior. forever. especially if you’re not out as poly because then youre basically granting one person the actual significant other role in your life; the one with the family and the friends and the owning a house and the stupid stuff like groceries and shared finances. so how does that fit in with the whole poly picture?

and yet. annnnd yet. im going to have to find out cuz im here. doing this thing. this weird weird thing. and i cant seem to help myself or stop it. like i have feelings i cant control and it is so fucked up. we’re so fucked up. but its so so perfect. and im so so happy.

it makes no sense.

and all i want to do is tell natalie so we can boy gossip about everything like we always do and so she can stop telling me im just a huge commitmentphobe. and because i want to share it. but i just cant. not until things are closer to figured out. not until he comes here and we see if this is all in our heads. which it might be. it really might be.

also theres the poly thing. which i guess im basically doing now. kinda. as much as you can be doing the poly thing while not seeing anyone and sort of seeing someone in the most screwed up way possible. but im still on dating sites and i got asked out a bunch of times this week and theres a couple people i even debated saying yes to (which lets face it, is rare on POF). he apparently only ever dates 2 people at once, which seems practical.

my therapist asked me if i was hypomanic or manic last week and i said no but i might be, judging from the insanely high sex drive. i still dont think im making crazy person decisions though, im just doing something crazy.

….

thats enough. because writing about it is making me think too much and when i think too much the craziness of everything sets in and bursts our happy bubble and then he has to talk me down lol. so i guess this will be a two parted because ive barely scratched the surface of the stuff to say and mentally debate over.

renewed

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well. i havent written anything since January, which is strange. i guess ill try to time line things a bit.

After Jon left SNS hired a new ED with whom I tended to disagree on almost all major issues for the organization, but who was a good guy. Bob left, so it was just Nick and I running the show.

The abilify I was on stopped having positive side effects by the time i hit an effective dose. my moods were stable but it gave me intense anxiety and indecisiveness and left me flatlined and out of it. like you see with the drooling patients in movies. it also fucked up my heart and breathing so walking 10 minutes felt hard and i would be out of breath if there was any sort of hill. So the took me off the abilify slowly (im still on a really low dose).

thiiiiis did not go well. i went manic manic manic over christmas and did a lot of cocaine and slept with questionable people (as previously mentioned)

I went on medical leave from StudentsNS on January 6th. I stayed on medical leave until my contract was up (May); we didnt renew my contract and i turned down the offer to stay of staff to finish a research report. Luckily this time I was on medical ei so i could pay my rent and all that jazz.

speaking of which, in Janurary I got a roommate, her name is Laura. Shes a pretty good roommate though shes young. we get along pretty well.

Ive been dosing up on a new drug called lamotrigine that is working really well. im still dosing off the abilify which seems to be taking forever, but im only at 5mg right now, hopefully 0 by the end of the summer.

I dated a guy named Jordan in February but it fell apart quickly and is only worth mentioning because it was the first time i’d really put myself out there since the whole mental breakdown thing in 2013.

So, for the most part, things have been decent since about March. And i dont talk much when things are decent.

So now that i’ve filled in the blanks for future self, im just going to write a normal entry life i hadnt stopped doing this for 6 months.

I cut my hair off yesterday.

everyone says it looks good but i sort of hate it already? i dont know. maybe i will adjust soon.

In actual news, my grandmother fell deathly ill earlier this month. she recovered but still needs round the clock care and im one of the people currently doing the caring. had i wrote this last week i probably would have been a lot more thorough in my detailing but basically amy came down and took care of her for two weeks, then tegan flew in to help. now theyre both gone and my aunt is here and ive been the relief person for everyone. its stressful, but not as bad as it was when she was still delirious and near death (obviously). it is however still emotionally exhausting and takes up all 50% of my life. im hoping this will be easier soon know that my parents are home. However, i still have to go today because my parents cancelled tonight, which was kind of a douche move.

other than that, im still jobless and on ei. my doctors go back and forth on whether on not they think its a good idea for me to work but i hate not working. but i also am terrified of going backwards now that things are going decently for the first time in a really long time. even in my somewhat down spells i havent actively thought of killing myself in at least 3 months. i dont think ive been able to say that since i was 15 or so.

normally id probably talk about christian here but he’ll read it so that feels weird. or at least he might. so ill just talk about the weird fact that i intentionally let someone i actively talk to read my blog for the first time (aside from eddie, who was pretty much around from the start of it). hes read all of it though and i havent posted in six months so i doubt he will check it again.

that whole situations a little weird, in that im totally flirtmancing with someone who lives in another country, and that hes married. not in creepy cheating way, it the poly way. dont worry, future self, you arent that much of an asshole. unless hes lying, but i doubt it. i dont even date married poly men in halifax. so i dont know what im doing exactly. but tis been like 4 days and we all know itll fall apart before i get around to writing the next entry so it’ll probably end up being more embarrassing that i wrote this than anything else.

i was planning on actually writing something but i just realized i have to be at the salon in 20 minutes (eyebrowssss… not another haircut) and im still in my pyjamas. maybe ill write more soon, maybe i wont. it would probably be good for me if i did