renewed

Standard

well. i havent written anything since January, which is strange. i guess ill try to time line things a bit.

After Jon left SNS hired a new ED with whom I tended to disagree on almost all major issues for the organization, but who was a good guy. Bob left, so it was just Nick and I running the show.

The abilify I was on stopped having positive side effects by the time i hit an effective dose. my moods were stable but it gave me intense anxiety and indecisiveness and left me flatlined and out of it. like you see with the drooling patients in movies. it also fucked up my heart and breathing so walking 10 minutes felt hard and i would be out of breath if there was any sort of hill. So the took me off the abilify slowly (im still on a really low dose).

thiiiiis did not go well. i went manic manic manic over christmas and did a lot of cocaine and slept with questionable people (as previously mentioned)

I went on medical leave from StudentsNS on January 6th. I stayed on medical leave until my contract was up (May); we didnt renew my contract and i turned down the offer to stay of staff to finish a research report. Luckily this time I was on medical ei so i could pay my rent and all that jazz.

speaking of which, in Janurary I got a roommate, her name is Laura. Shes a pretty good roommate though shes young. we get along pretty well.

Ive been dosing up on a new drug called lamotrigine that is working really well. im still dosing off the abilify which seems to be taking forever, but im only at 5mg right now, hopefully 0 by the end of the summer.

I dated a guy named Jordan in February but it fell apart quickly and is only worth mentioning because it was the first time i’d really put myself out there since the whole mental breakdown thing in 2013.

So, for the most part, things have been decent since about March. And i dont talk much when things are decent.

So now that i’ve filled in the blanks for future self, im just going to write a normal entry life i hadnt stopped doing this for 6 months.

I cut my hair off yesterday.

everyone says it looks good but i sort of hate it already? i dont know. maybe i will adjust soon.

In actual news, my grandmother fell deathly ill earlier this month. she recovered but still needs round the clock care and im one of the people currently doing the caring. had i wrote this last week i probably would have been a lot more thorough in my detailing but basically amy came down and took care of her for two weeks, then tegan flew in to help. now theyre both gone and my aunt is here and ive been the relief person for everyone. its stressful, but not as bad as it was when she was still delirious and near death (obviously). it is however still emotionally exhausting and takes up all 50% of my life. im hoping this will be easier soon know that my parents are home. However, i still have to go today because my parents cancelled tonight, which was kind of a douche move.

other than that, im still jobless and on ei. my doctors go back and forth on whether on not they think its a good idea for me to work but i hate not working. but i also am terrified of going backwards now that things are going decently for the first time in a really long time. even in my somewhat down spells i havent actively thought of killing myself in at least 3 months. i dont think ive been able to say that since i was 15 or so.

normally id probably talk about christian here but he’ll read it so that feels weird. or at least he might. so ill just talk about the weird fact that i intentionally let someone i actively talk to read my blog for the first time (aside from eddie, who was pretty much around from the start of it). hes read all of it though and i havent posted in six months so i doubt he will check it again.

that whole situations a little weird, in that im totally flirtmancing with someone who lives in another country, and that hes married. not in creepy cheating way, it the poly way. dont worry, future self, you arent that much of an asshole. unless hes lying, but i doubt it. i dont even date married poly men in halifax. so i dont know what im doing exactly. but tis been like 4 days and we all know itll fall apart before i get around to writing the next entry so it’ll probably end up being more embarrassing that i wrote this than anything else.

i was planning on actually writing something but i just realized i have to be at the salon in 20 minutes (eyebrowssss… not another haircut) and im still in my pyjamas. maybe ill write more soon, maybe i wont. it would probably be good for me if i did

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