felt like this.

Standard

theres so much to say and i have no idea how to say it.

things have been going pretty well for me since going on medical leave, like i feel like shit is coming together for the first time in a long time, so its not that. i dont need to talk about the pitch pitch black or the other end of the spectrum. i can do that. talking about that is easy now.

its the regular life stuff. or the not so regular, in this particular case. the words just dont flow as easily. but i’ve always been the person who needs to talk things through with people and since im not telling any of the people i normally talk things out with, that only leaves here (and oh man is nats going to kill me for not telling her sooner if/when she eventually finds out).

so here we go.

ive been doing something weird. i am doing something weird. and that something weird has lead to some pretty massive life changes for me. so i guess i have to start there.

i met a guy online. it wasnt supposed to be like that. it was a stupid drunken r4r post meant to kill time one night when i was sad and needed distractions so i didnt get myself obliterated home alone because i thought my grandmother was dying and even though im doing well, im not doing that well, and alcohol will always be how i solve that.

and man this is going to be the only place i ever admit this in its entirety.

but i met a guy online and something clicked. i dont know what, or how, or even really why, i cant explain it at all, it just did. quickly.

and he lives far away. not like other side of the world far but far like not within a days drive and this is crazy and stupid and im an adult what the hell am i doing??

im picking at my nail polish to avoid writing the rest of this entry. i dont know why i make myself so uncomfortable. i already told the one person in my life who reads my blog (hi eddie), and the other person that i know who reads my blog already knows everything because hes the guy i met online. so.

like fuck, what am i doing?

so thats weird enough. i could stop there and that would be enough for people to think im fucked in the head (for a new reason for once!) and i wouldnt blame them. buuuut theres more.

as i mentioned last time, he’s married. and poly. and did i mention married?
the poly thing almost doesnt bother me anymore. almost. i will talk about that. but the married bit still gets me. ive always had a no dating married poly guys rule because they are almost always not actually poly and really just mean they have friends with benefits while theyre wholly only in love with their wife ( and no one else) and youre some sort of extra play thing. but even when they arent douche bags and actually are poly i just never got why you would marry someone if youre actually poly. like it doesnt make sense to me. it makes every other relationship you have inferior. forever. especially if you’re not out as poly because then youre basically granting one person the actual significant other role in your life; the one with the family and the friends and the owning a house and the stupid stuff like groceries and shared finances. so how does that fit in with the whole poly picture?

and yet. annnnd yet. im going to have to find out cuz im here. doing this thing. this weird weird thing. and i cant seem to help myself or stop it. like i have feelings i cant control and it is so fucked up. we’re so fucked up. but its so so perfect. and im so so happy.

it makes no sense.

and all i want to do is tell natalie so we can boy gossip about everything like we always do and so she can stop telling me im just a huge commitmentphobe. and because i want to share it. but i just cant. not until things are closer to figured out. not until he comes here and we see if this is all in our heads. which it might be. it really might be.

also theres the poly thing. which i guess im basically doing now. kinda. as much as you can be doing the poly thing while not seeing anyone and sort of seeing someone in the most screwed up way possible. but im still on dating sites and i got asked out a bunch of times this week and theres a couple people i even debated saying yes to (which lets face it, is rare on POF). he apparently only ever dates 2 people at once, which seems practical.

my therapist asked me if i was hypomanic or manic last week and i said no but i might be, judging from the insanely high sex drive. i still dont think im making crazy person decisions though, im just doing something crazy.

….

thats enough. because writing about it is making me think too much and when i think too much the craziness of everything sets in and bursts our happy bubble and then he has to talk me down lol. so i guess this will be a two parted because ive barely scratched the surface of the stuff to say and mentally debate over.

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