i dont know how or where to start and im not in a state to figure it out so im just going to talk.
i know love is supposed to be all you need out of things. and it feels like that sometimes. like we’ll figure the rest out sometime.
but i dont know if i can do this. being poly is not a thing i ever wanted. i mean ill do it, because its practical, because it feels even, because it makes other things matter less. because i love him even though i shouldnt. but its not a natural feeling. its a horrible awful feeling most of the time.
i blew off a date this morning, by accident. i legit just forgot. but i dont know, about this whole thing.
i know he expects me to be ok with it and im trying. its not like its his fault im not very good at it. i knew what i was getting into. and hes nice about it. i think in his ideal world his wife and i would be best friends and/or people who fuck, so i mean, i guess we are meeting in the middle at the moment.
so im trying.
but it feels like im giving up so much all of the time. and i get thats its mostly because im uncomfortable and i just need to work on that. but its so hard. and it hurts so bad.
he wants me to go visit and stay in his house and see his life. and like, i want to on most levels. i spend a lot of time imagining how meeting his wife would go and im pretty sure it would be fine, id just have to sleep alone and act like a guest because thats what i would be doing and nothing else would feel right even though he says we’d just sleep in the guest room and it would be fine. and it would, probably, but here we are.
he’s not out as poly and all the things i wrote about last time about married people apply here. he’s not going to tell anyone (besides his wife, obviously) and its just going to be this secret things that exists between the two of us. and theres something romantic about that. sweet little bubble.
but its also sort of awful; like it doesnt count at all. like im overly invested in something i shouldnt be. like when youre in a friends with benefits situation and you start to catch feelings and youre just like ‘well fuck’.
i think that would offend him.
he tells me he loves me all the time and i believe him. which is crazy. but i dont know if it counts in this situation.
i know im getting too far ahead of myself and that the next step is his coming here and seeing if things even line up like they should. like all this stuff is stuff to worry about later.
but right now its all too too much. so im just going to sob by myself until theres no tears left in my body and no thoughts left in my head and thats going to be ok. im going to let myself stop trying for just couple hours. i need to stop trying for a couple hours.