broken and breaking

Standard

i’ve waited too long to write this to do it any justice. i wasnt going to write about it at all – it hurts and it makes it real – but the downward spiral is lasting too long to not note it somehow.

a very very long story made shorter:

The break up:

  • last week, Christian told me he was never in love with me, just loved me, and had been dating me because he thought i ‘needed something special’. he basically wanted to save me from being bipolar by fake-loving it right out of me. like he could fix my brokenness by giving me the gift that was him.
  • i was enraged. i am still sort of. it was not only painful from a break up stand point, it hurt my soul. it was like everything i feared made true.
  • i felt and feel completely broken and unloveable, more so than before, which is an impressive amount.
  • he never really knew me, even when he was physically here, he expected me to be needy and in need of a saviour. he wanted to save me. i do not fucking need saving.

The break down:

  • i spent tuesday night in a tail spin of self destruction. i sliced my leg open with an xacto knife. i spent most of the night in the shower trying not to bleed on things. i was a mess. i almost killed myself.
  • it wasnt about the break up, it was about the feeling like everyone just saw me as broken and fucked up anyway, like none of the work i’d done mattered, like everything was just bull shit and there was nothing i could do to fix peoples perceptions of me, or fix me, or be anything other than just the bipolar girl. like the only reason people would be around is to fix me and be self congratulatory about any of my personal gains. only not any of that. i just felt and feel horrible about myself. just fucking horrible. ive hated myself for a long time but normally it stays as a background thought. its not in the background anymore.
  • i feel like a burden to everyone who knows me.
  • i broke and am breaking.

After:

  • Christian stayed up most of tuesday night with me making me not kill myself. which is ironic because he is both the cause and the thing that stopped me.
  • I guess he finally got to play saviour then, and that probably was good for his ego.
  • We are friends now and I think I’ll eventually trust him again, but it makes me feel really stupid.
  • i’ve barely gotten out of bed in the past week. i went to pride and got fucked up as hell at kale and donnas, spent most of the night talking to sav  and robb about how fucked up i am and how im not making it through the night very well anymore.
  • im not making it through the night anymore. i talk to christian for most of the day, like we always have, like nothings fucking changed, for better or worse. but he sleeps and i do not. or i do but in fits and bursts. i always said id never try to kill myself through pills because it rarely works and usually you just end up with fucked up symptoms because of it instead of dead. but ive counted all the meds i have, which is a lot. i dont know the lethal doses of any of them anymore but i think i’ve got enough of everything to do some serious damage.
  • i havent cut myself since tuesday. that was the first time in 3.5 years so i dont expect i’ll do it again. im not really one for half measures. and the scars hurt.
  • I’m having like dual versions of Christian right now.  i hate one. i hate one so much. but the other is here for me and is a good person and i love him a lot. i cant figure out what to feel about anything. we are acting fine and sometimes we genuinely are fine.
  • i am very good at forgiveness, i’ve had a lot of practice with important people cutting me to the bone. and forgiving them.  and i mostly forgive him. im not over it, but i forgive him.
  • I feel like im letting him off without pain. not that i want to hurt him but i also need him to understand how much he hurt me and i dont know if he does. he’s one of those annoying permanently ok to happy people and i dont know how he feels. or if he feels. about any of this now. i cant tell if he just thinks its over and we survived it. because its not over. it doesnt go away. its a permanent part of who we are now.
  • i broke and am breaking.

reality

Standard

today is a bad day.

christian and i broke up, if you could even call it that. we “defined the relationship” only we defined it into nothing so i guess it just never really existed. i’ve come to the conclusion he says i love you to me like i’d say it to brandon. i do love brandon. i love him a lot in fact. but it isnt quite what i meant when i said it back. add it to the list, i suppose.

i went to the psychiatrist today and bawled in his office over things that dont matter to him at all but i couldnt stop. i cant afford my meds as of next month and i have no idea what to do. he tried to write me three month prescriptions but the insurance company refused to fill them.

so thats terrifying.

and laura is moving out and i cant pay my rent. and everything is just fucking exploding.

and all i can do is cry.

Meeting

Standard

so. uuhhh. christian just left. which means this probably isnt the ideal time to write a happy blog post about his visit but here we are anyway.

im going to try to write this like i dont know he’ll eventually read it. and maybe he wont, im sure he doesnt like check it daily for updates or anything. anyway.

it was a really good visit, i think. at least it was a really good first meeting. his plane(s) got all sorts of fucked up and delayed so he ended up getting here thursday morning instead of wednesday night. the airport was the most nerve inducing awkward completely adorable thing i’ve experienced in a long time. I didnt know where i was going when i got there because the bus gets in on a lower level than anything else is on (who knew that existed?) and i ended up signing up to get information about a credit card in order to get directions.  on the upside, the women there thought i might be 21, so that was a decent ego boost before going to meet someone for the first time. they were very nice. i actually have no regrets about that interaction, but i havent received the junk mail yet. ANYWAY. I go there and awkwardly paced around for a 10 minutes and then people started getting off the plane and then there was the very surreal moment where i could see him but he wasnt actually to me yet. and then there was the hugs and the real and the smells good. im pretty sure i was shaking but he was definitely shaking so i felt better. he kissed me on the escalator. and we cuddled and kissed and whispered to each other the whole bus ride home. it was overall pretty adorable.

we came home, spent some time in bed and then went the coastal which actually kind of sucked. note to self, do not order off the lunch menu. felt a little bad we didnt order something more delicious. went home, spent more time watching movies and making out and snuggling in bed. ordered christian his first chicken shawarma, which is always delicious. then, as promised, we went to finding dorey. have an adorable photo:

2016-07-14 21.35.41

it didnt really feel like meeting a stranger, which was good. i was worried it would feel like a stranger. i was essentially going on a three day pof date that you couldnt get out of if it went terribly. luckily it went better than pof dates do haha.

Friday morning we woke up late and he made me pumpkin pancakes, also as promised, and looked extremely hot while doing so. again, have a picture:

2016-07-15 12.43.39

(this is basically the only place these pictures are ever allowed to be seen, so im going to post a bunch)

we walked to the liquor store and stopped in at lion and bright on the way. then we got day drunk and high and hung out in bed. watched a lot of movies and snuggled. ordered the halifax pizza place classic of donairs, poutine and newfie fries for him to try.  the poutine was pretty shit though but we’ll ignore that.

Saturday we actually got up at a decent hour (well like, decent for a normal person. he weirdly mostly put me on his sleep schedule while he was here), walked to tim’s where we got incredibly sweet drinks (not good, you fail me tims.) we snuggled and watched movies for awhile the  we went to the waterfront to explore a bit of the touristy stuff of halifax/make sure he actually saw the ocean while here.we got ice cream and walked the boardwalk. stopped in at the stubborn goat beer garden where we apparently sat in the wrong place but oh well. have another picture:

2016-07-16 15.13.56

got him an east coast lifestyle shirt because it was only super nova scotian thing i could think of that also doesnt identify itself as being from canada so he could actually where it later. i got a sunburn like the pale white girl that i am.

came home and hung out in bed for a bit and then went to mother’s for fancy pizza, then spent most of the night snuggling/watching movies/napping/etc. until her had to go to the airport. have a sort of terrible picture:

2016-07-16 22.14.57

then we took a cab to the airport and he left, somewhat awkwardly. and i took the bus back to town and then cabbed home and took a nap. so here we are. all three of his planes seem to have actually gone as scheduled so he should be home soon.

 

so thats the recap.

he said i love you a bunch, held my hand in public even though i looked like hell, we had a lot of sex and things seemed like they went well? im still waiting for the other shoe to drop because its who i am. and it might happen. probably wont, but it might.

it felt weird sending him home. like i know this was just a secret vacation for him but it was my actual life so. i dont know. i was just returning him to his real life with his house and his wife and his pets. like you return a library book that was never really yours.

so. overall the trip was really good in and of itself but it was also a little harsh for me in that it really exposed the bubble. like he can be part of my life but ill never really be part of his. which ive known from the beginning but i like to try to ignore. he says he’ll come back but i dont know if he really will. i feel less like we’re together and more like a casual side fling. except he flew a couple thousand miles to be here so i just dont know. i told nats about the married poly thing (not the internet thing) and she judged me i think.

the bubble was really nice though. id live there if i could.

 

 

tomorrow!!

Standard

i feel like i should write but i havent decided what to say yet.

Christian gets here tomorrow! …i am freaking out! i only scrubbed the washroom for like 2 hours. which is saying something considering its the size of a shoebox and doesnt even have a tub. i still need to clean basically everything else.

Christian and i have had a rough couple days. almost broke up. id write about it but im so happy right now i dont want to crush it on myself for the sake of documentation. im sure ill have an entry about it later anyway, since we basically resolved to just ignore the problem. it was a lot of this, on repeat:

but now its like 27 hours until i meet him at the airport and its just butterflies and mushy insides. or thats how im trying to keep it.

so now im just listening to a lot of birdy and reading a lot of the book he sent me while also avoiding laura like the plague, which i think shes also doing because its awkward as fuck up in here. im debating if im going to remind her the lamp and table in her room are actually mine. she literally owns nothing. i dont know how shes going to survive on her own. she might not, to be honest. but its not like ill be around to find out. also i think im just going to act like she doesnt exist with regards to the having crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

…im very excited to have crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

but also nervous. so nervous.

what if its terrible? that would be so awkward now haha. though i mean i guess the first time is always a little awkward and weird. so. theres that. but i feel like this will be especially awkward since its the first time but also not really the first time. does that make sense? probably not.

i think my meds are working pretty well lately, all things considered. i havent been devastatingly suicidal this week. or even like, mildly suicidal. what a nice change.

had a good night with brandon this weekend. i love brandon. i miss seeing him everyday. that being said, i am super excited to live alone in a couple weeks. i hope christian can come back while i have an empty house. which may be a couple months or a couple years, i guess it depends on the job situation.

god damn do i suddenly need a job. i mean, not that i didnt need one before but the doubling of the rent and the health insurance running out in the same month was kind of a kick in the teeth.

26 hours and 12 minutes. not that anyones counting.

tomorrowtomorrowtomorrow

it’s a dont kill myself day

Standard

….

i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know.

everything is hard today. i havent slept. christian asked what i was going to do today and literally all i could think was ‘try not to kill myself’ which i didnt really want to say out loud because things are getting better. and they are better. and i dont know why this day is happening.

i dont want to be difficult for him. side pieces are supposed to be fun, not messy and fucked up. im not really cut out for side-piecedom, i guess. im always messy and fucked up. even when im supposedly doing well.

its 9:35 in the morning and today is already this hard.

i feel guilty. like i dont want to not tell him things but i also dont want to be a burden on people and i dont want him to leave. not that he really can because he has plane tickets but i dont want him to want to leave. it makes everyone leave eventually, thats ok, but now is too soon. he wasnt around yesterday and i got through yesterday. i can get through today.

i cant talk to my parents because theyve got way too much shit happening. i think its going to be a brandon day, not that he ever knows what to do with me but hes there and its easy and he wont leave.

i have therapy in a little over three hours. 5 minute increments. breathe in, breathe out.

im worried he doesnt really love me, like its all going to fall apart. i dont know if he could even love me.

i dont know.

 

9 days

Standard

where to begin.

there three things i need to cover before i can talk much about today so lets get those out there:

1. christian bought plane tickets (!!!) to come see me (!!!) and will be here in 9 days (!!!). im nervous and terrified and happy. i dont know what this is or is going to be or if it matters in the end but for 4 nights im not going to care.

2. Laura decided shes moving out, which kind of fucks me over for rent and everything else. which is one thing. this whole fight between her and kale and donna has reached such a ridiculous point im just happy to have it over with, to be honest, im so sick of being stuck in the middle. but i like laura and i like her as a roommate. so its all around just sort of shitty for me.

3. I spent the weekend camping, hence the lack of posts. camping went well! though i did keep up my tradition of getting sick and throwing up the woods. so theres that.

today has been a very bipolar day. i missed my meds last night and my hands are shaking so badly a spilled an entire glass of water on myself when i got home a minute ago. constant uncontrollable shaking (or as i like to call it, JAZZ HANDS) is something i got used to for a lot of years but had mostly gone away in the past six months. i forgot how difficult it is to do basic things like text or hold a full glass of water.

i missed my meds. and weird things happen when i miss my meds. so i woke up sad and over thinking and when im sad and over thinking it usually leads to bursting the christian bubble (that sounds oddly religious…), which sort of happened, but mostly i was just depressed and wall starring.

then the package christian sent me showed up, out of the blue, which was really exciting for a number of reasons: a) mail!!! b) hoodie and a book!!! c) HIS hoodie and HIS book!! and d) the postal strike didnt ruin it!

so that helped. a lot. have a selfie in the magical happy sweater:

IMG_20160704_133428

but after that i had one of those soul crushing panic attacks. it started out confusing and crying and turning into imploding and not breathing and fetal position, digging nails and scrapping skin sort of panic attacks. tore my arms up a bit, nothing major. called my sister to come get me because i was afraid to be alone. we went to my grandmothers and had pizza. it was nice, shes almost back to herself. she was like a confused child we were caring for for so long its almost strange to see her be human again now. we went swimming. the chlorine burned my torn up arms and the sting was oddly calming. i used to lay in that pool floating on my back with my ears covered listening to the internal ringing for hours back in 2013 when life fell apart. so i did that again for a bit.

home now. in bed in the magic sweater. i still dont feel…right. though i feel a little better. and i took my meds today, so hopefully tomorrow will be better. i wish laura and i werent in this weird awkward place because i really dot want to be alone right now, but we are. i cant text christian cuz its the 4th of july so he is having some big party with his wife and friends and im not going to interrupt it to be sad at him. the hoodie is comforting though. so thats something.