9 days


where to begin.

there three things i need to cover before i can talk much about today so lets get those out there:

1. christian bought plane tickets (!!!) to come see me (!!!) and will be here in 9 days (!!!). im nervous and terrified and happy. i dont know what this is or is going to be or if it matters in the end but for 4 nights im not going to care.

2. Laura decided shes moving out, which kind of fucks me over for rent and everything else. which is one thing. this whole fight between her and kale and donna has reached such a ridiculous point im just happy to have it over with, to be honest, im so sick of being stuck in the middle. but i like laura and i like her as a roommate. so its all around just sort of shitty for me.

3. I spent the weekend camping, hence the lack of posts. camping went well! though i did keep up my tradition of getting sick and throwing up the woods. so theres that.

today has been a very bipolar day. i missed my meds last night and my hands are shaking so badly a spilled an entire glass of water on myself when i got home a minute ago. constant uncontrollable shaking (or as i like to call it, JAZZ HANDS) is something i got used to for a lot of years but had mostly gone away in the past six months. i forgot how difficult it is to do basic things like text or hold a full glass of water.

i missed my meds. and weird things happen when i miss my meds. so i woke up sad and over thinking and when im sad and over thinking it usually leads to bursting the christian bubble (that sounds oddly religious…), which sort of happened, but mostly i was just depressed and wall starring.

then the package christian sent me showed up, out of the blue, which was really exciting for a number of reasons: a) mail!!! b) hoodie and a book!!! c) HIS hoodie and HIS book!! and d) the postal strike didnt ruin it!

so that helped. a lot. have a selfie in the magical happy sweater:


but after that i had one of those soul crushing panic attacks. it started out confusing and crying and turning into imploding and not breathing and fetal position, digging nails and scrapping skin sort of panic attacks. tore my arms up a bit, nothing major. called my sister to come get me because i was afraid to be alone. we went to my grandmothers and had pizza. it was nice, shes almost back to herself. she was like a confused child we were caring for for so long its almost strange to see her be human again now. we went swimming. the chlorine burned my torn up arms and the sting was oddly calming. i used to lay in that pool floating on my back with my ears covered listening to the internal ringing for hours back in 2013 when life fell apart. so i did that again for a bit.

home now. in bed in the magic sweater. i still dont feel…right. though i feel a little better. and i took my meds today, so hopefully tomorrow will be better. i wish laura and i werent in this weird awkward place because i really dot want to be alone right now, but we are. i cant text christian cuz its the 4th of july so he is having some big party with his wife and friends and im not going to interrupt it to be sad at him. the hoodie is comforting though. so thats something.


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