it’s a dont kill myself day

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….

i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know.

everything is hard today. i havent slept. christian asked what i was going to do today and literally all i could think was ‘try not to kill myself’ which i didnt really want to say out loud because things are getting better. and they are better. and i dont know why this day is happening.

i dont want to be difficult for him. side pieces are supposed to be fun, not messy and fucked up. im not really cut out for side-piecedom, i guess. im always messy and fucked up. even when im supposedly doing well.

its 9:35 in the morning and today is already this hard.

i feel guilty. like i dont want to not tell him things but i also dont want to be a burden on people and i dont want him to leave. not that he really can because he has plane tickets but i dont want him to want to leave. it makes everyone leave eventually, thats ok, but now is too soon. he wasnt around yesterday and i got through yesterday. i can get through today.

i cant talk to my parents because theyve got way too much shit happening. i think its going to be a brandon day, not that he ever knows what to do with me but hes there and its easy and he wont leave.

i have therapy in a little over three hours. 5 minute increments. breathe in, breathe out.

im worried he doesnt really love me, like its all going to fall apart. i dont know if he could even love me.

i dont know.

 

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