i feel like i should write but i havent decided what to say yet.

Christian gets here tomorrow! …i am freaking out! i only scrubbed the washroom for like 2 hours. which is saying something considering its the size of a shoebox and doesnt even have a tub. i still need to clean basically everything else.

Christian and i have had a rough couple days. almost broke up. id write about it but im so happy right now i dont want to crush it on myself for the sake of documentation. im sure ill have an entry about it later anyway, since we basically resolved to just ignore the problem. it was a lot of this, on repeat:

but now its like 27 hours until i meet him at the airport and its just butterflies and mushy insides. or thats how im trying to keep it.

so now im just listening to a lot of birdy and reading a lot of the book he sent me while also avoiding laura like the plague, which i think shes also doing because its awkward as fuck up in here. im debating if im going to remind her the lamp and table in her room are actually mine. she literally owns nothing. i dont know how shes going to survive on her own. she might not, to be honest. but its not like ill be around to find out. also i think im just going to act like she doesnt exist with regards to the having crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

…im very excited to have crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

but also nervous. so nervous.

what if its terrible? that would be so awkward now haha. though i mean i guess the first time is always a little awkward and weird. so. theres that. but i feel like this will be especially awkward since its the first time but also not really the first time. does that make sense? probably not.

i think my meds are working pretty well lately, all things considered. i havent been devastatingly suicidal this week. or even like, mildly suicidal. what a nice change.

had a good night with brandon this weekend. i love brandon. i miss seeing him everyday. that being said, i am super excited to live alone in a couple weeks. i hope christian can come back while i have an empty house. which may be a couple months or a couple years, i guess it depends on the job situation.

god damn do i suddenly need a job. i mean, not that i didnt need one before but the doubling of the rent and the health insurance running out in the same month was kind of a kick in the teeth.

26 hours and 12 minutes. not that anyones counting.



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