My gma died today.

I dont feel like i have the words yet to make an eloquent entry about my grandmother’s and my relationship, but i also feel like i have to document this day, this thing, as it happens.

My dad called me yesterday to tell me they had rushed Gma to the hospital in an ambulance yesterday morning. i was supposed to becoming out for dinner anyway, so he told me to still come out but just to go to the house. Gma never wanted to die in a hospital, so they were going to take her home.  They worried about transporting her here; if she would actually make the trip since she passed out cold whenever they took her off the oxygen.  But she did. She wasnt awake really but shed sometimes be able to nod or shake her head in response to basic questions, like if she was cold.

Jeff came out, Amy arrived on the train, Tegan, Keir and Laurie flew in. Elli came home with my parents.  Johnny and Bonnie and Lindy and Tom and Chris and Steph all came out for varying parts of the night.  Amy, elli, tegan, keir, laurie and i stayed up most of the night in her bedroom watching her breathe and going through her costume jewelry and personal items that she used to keep on her dresser when we were kids. I passed out around 4am but my sister spent most of the night awake with her, and elli slept in her bed with her.

my sister woke me up this morning to tell me keir (who is  my cousin but also a doctor) said she’d hit one of the stages of death with her irregular breathing and that it wasnt necessarily happening right then but that i should go upstairs soon. but she wanted to talk and i could tell so i let her, for awhile we just talked about gma and dying, and whether or not my oldest brother would be flying home.

then my dad came to the door in a panic and told us she was dying right then and we ran up the stairs half dressed in pyjamas and crammed into the tiny once-my-3 year old selfs-bedroom and we held her hand, and each other and watched her die.

my mom cried and hugged us. everyone cried and hugged everyone. through out the whole day everyone had their turns breaking out in tears but i learned that whenever i see my mother cry, i apparently will also start crying.

Elli wanted to do a ritual washing of her body and getting her out of her hospital gown and into her real clothes, to do her hair.  I didnt participate in it but I was really appreciative she did it, as Gma’s body stayed in the bed for hours while they got the death certificate and the funeral homes and everything else worked out that hospitals normally take care of. it was good, to see her all made up back to look like herself without that weird embalming and make up you see at caskets. she just looked like she was laying asleep, only her chest wasnt moving and she was cold. but she also looked dead. not waxy and painted.

i didnt touch her after she was dead and i kind of regret not holding her hand or something but everyone was trying at first and there was always someone in the room and it never seemed like it would be that important. i still dont know if it is, really. i watch my mom in there saying her last words before the body was taken, hours later… like at least 4, maybe 5 hours… it was so surreal to all be hanging out in the house knowing her body was still there, but at the same time it was oddly comforting.

when her body was being taken out of the house and people were crying we made a joke about playing ‘patricia the stripper’.. a song that was some sort of inside joke between gma and my parents/aunts and uncles (her name was patricia).. so we did. her body was being wheeled out under a burgundy velvet cloth and we played patricia the stripper and cry laughed. it was a little garish to some i suppose, but it was us and i think she would have found it funny.

matt and his family flew in tonight and joe is flying in tomorrow. keir and tegan and here until sunday night. so sunday in the early afternoon we are all going to gathering do… something.  she never wanted a funeral, she was the opposite of religious, so theres none of that to do or prepare. shes being cremated but we wont get the ashes back for at least a week or so, so the actual scattering of the ashes probably wont happen until christmas.  I think ive decided im buying a silver vial necklace to put some of her ashes in.  on the off chance i get married or have some major life event i can feel like shes with me.  i think some of the family think thats really weird, but it brings me comfort.

the rest of the day was surprisingly normal. just like a giant family gathering.  kind of like the wake after my dad’s dad died, but more upbeat. maybe that strange too, i dont know.

my grandmother was a great gma, to me and to the rest of the family. i have great memories of her from my entire life, right up until the end. i was always her crib partner and even at the end where she wasnt really making sense she could still count her points in crib. i need it forever noted that the last time we played crib we bet my parents both games and skunked them once. almost entirely because gma was getting all the points.

i told brandon my gma died and asked him to tell people so i didnt have to. and he did, he told everyone. and they all sent really nice text messages to me. i appreciate that.

its good to have close family and friends at times like these.  all my friends keep offering to spend time together but with all my family here i dont want to break off just yet. still, its nice that theyve offered.

i am especially relieved that joe is making the trip.  i know its a bit of a pointless trip for him because shes already died (but, at least he and his family had just visited), and we arent doing the ceremony until christmas or something when people can come back. but its good to grieve together i think? and it felt like he was missing. i think things are finally becoming ok with me mentally about my family now, because it really did just feel like we were incomplete without him home.

i think next week is going to be the hardest, when everyone leaves and theres not constant distractions and theres no one left to talk to. because i talk, even if its not about the thing thats wrong, i talk to process. theres a lot of other life stuff going on that ill probably write about later but this is going to be whats running in the background for awhile.

My Gma’s gone, and I loved her.



day 1


everything with christian was finally going right and good and we worked it out. and then i fucked it all up.

well, not exactly.

but we are taking a break from talking to each other, at my behest, so i can get over him. i never really took the time to do that because i was too busy being mad, or worried, or scared he’d disappear.

i told him last night over skype and he cried. then i cried. and this is going to sound fucked up but him crying his face off made me feel like we’d be ok if i did this now.

so today is the first day we didnt speak. we normally talk about 16 hours a day, pretty well straight, sometimes with a phone call thrown in.

it has been soul crushingly difficult for me.

he emailed me this morning for a clarification on boundaries, because i guess i make those decisions since this entire thing is happening because of me.  i took all day t respond because i had no idea what to say. and that 3 lines of text is all the communication we’ve had. and i want him to email me back so bad i feel sick. this is so hard.



i felt like i should maybe delete that last entry but i dont delete things from this blog. everything has truth in the moment.

im doing better today. no idea why but im not complaining. maybe the med increase is working?

speaking of meds, i still have this stupid rash and i spent the day calling my doctors office only to get a busy signal the entire time. i dont know what to do about that. i did successfully get my ei straightened out though, so thats good.

the things i said about christian last time are still true. i am depending on him too much and i am still having trouble completely letting go of the relationship we sort of had before all of this went down. but not talking to him was a stupid idea. id rather work through it together than apart, and hes been more than willing to try to work through it with me, even if he never talks about it unless i force him to. he really is a good friend, even if its hard for me to just be that.

i dont know what the point of this entry was. i just felt like i needed to say that.



let me start by saying christian is on vacation so i know he wont read this, which means i am just going to be honest for once.

im seriously considering if i should stop talking to him for awhile. just like a month or two. i still want to be friends. but im both depending on him in ways i dont like and am not proud of, and am also continuously breaking my own heart.

i know the transition was easy for him and i know he wants it to be easy for me but its not. i mean, sometimes its fine, just sometimes its really not. and i cant figure out what causes it.

its like for the past couple weeks ive survived by separating current friendship with christian from past christian anything. and by doing that ive effectively separated christian from any of the feelings he caused. but the feelings are still there and im still having to work through them anyway because he effectively caused my worst nightmare and pulled on all the things i fear most about life and myself and threw them at me, even though he didnt mean to. im in a big ol pit of depression and on some level, he caused it. not that its his fault; im fucked up and have all these weird fucked up insecurities he couldnt have known about. but what he did was pretty fucked up too.

my bipolar is all out of whack. im fine and then im suicidal and then im just sobbing for hours. alone.

ive basically had three thoughts playing continuously on repeat:

  1. dont kill yourself
  2. hes married and he doesnt love you anyway
  3. try harder, you’re failing

i told kale i wasnt doing well so hes taking me to the beach today for something distracting. i love him. i have good friends. supposed to see sam on friday too, but she works two jobs and has company literally always so i dont know if that will actually happen. nicole is in the province and should be coming to visit the city soon, which is exciting. i miss nicole a lot.

christian tried to describe the whole he never loved me thing as an equation where half of it is friendship love and half of it is romantic love and he loves me friendshipwise but the rest was just question marks, like he wasnt sure. i dont think its question marks for him. i think he knows he just doesnt love me and is afraid to just tell me that. or at the very least, we’ve made some sort of decision to be bffs, so the rest is getting thrown out. and i wish he’d just tell me that if that was the end of it. i dunno. i just wish he was better at communicating his actual emotions instead of what he thinks is best for me.

i need to get ready to swim now. hopefully this day with kale snaps something in my head, something to go from light from all the dark. like a glowstick, haha.

im trying.

heavy hearted


ive been having a lot of trouble with the whole unloveable thing lately. like i recognize that im 30 and these deep rooted feelings are supposed to have gone away by now but they havent and they probably wont. and everyone and everything around me is just like… driving that home lately. nats pretty much exclusively talks about her boyfriend or her illness, usually how awesome her boyfriend is about her illness. kale and donna dont seperate anymore, christian is the christian situation, every show and every book have some stupid love plot. my heart just feels heavy about it.

in other things ive somehow failed to talk about, joe and his family were here for the past week. i had a very bipolar week and the visit had some very rough points for me. i stayed at my parents for 5 days, with everyone else. i skipped a lot of activities and cried in the bathroom a lot. christian had to talk me out of being suicidal one morning. but the visit was good overall i think, i dont think they kids noticed anything was wrong and i played with them enough that i think they have positive memories of me.

the best part of the visit was sibling lunch, which turned into sibling dinner because amy had plans at lunch. every time we are all together the 4 of us go to lunch without any kids or spouses and its nice. this time was better than in florida because i think its pretty obvious im not doing great and this time we didnt all just ignore it and talk about everything as if it were fine. which is progress for me. i did cry at a restaurant though, which isnt awesome. but jeff did offer to let me move into his basement apartment if i really cant pay rent, which is nice of him. and also relieves some stress because i really didnt feel ok moving into my parents house given the situation with my grandmother. theyve got enough burdens, if you know what i mean? not that i dont love my gma. but shes lost her memory entirely (she already forgets joe visited), and she cant go to the washroom by herself so shes not… without burden to my mom. i feel mean saying that.

im not doing so great, overall. i cant tell if its the stress or if im just in a down period or what. ever since that suicidal leg cutting night things havent really recovered. i can mostly hold a conversation fine and i dont think its incredibly noticeable that things arent great though, so thats an improvement. i have trouble at night, and during the day when i have too much time to think. so basically whenever there isnt something actively distracting me like people or grocery shopping or something. sometimes i spiral but mostly i just cry a lot. my heart is heavy, i guess. all of me is heavy. my weight is bothering me more than usual.

i talk to christian about 16 hours a day, off and on. so thats a pretty decent distraction and most of the time it helps keep some of the crying spells at bay. he’s going on vacation next week and i want to be happy for him, or i am happy for him, but im worried how im going to fill all that time with something so i dont spiral out of control. like… i dont know how to talk about it. because christian is great and we are friends and we talk because we are friends. but talking is also distracting and distracting keeps me from sobbing which keeps me from thinking which keeps me from wanting to die. does that make sense? probably not. i think really i just need to a) make more friends and b) get to a place where i dont need constant distraction to not become suicidal. but here we are. im expecting the next 7 days are going to be rough.

maybe more than 7 days.

i have a rash on the inside of one of my arms that i assumed was razor burn but appears to be getting worse not better and it scares me because rashes are a really serious side effect of one of my medications. apparently they can be a symptom of stephen johnsons syndrome or whatever the fuck, which is bad and involves skin “sloughing” off your body.  my mother had it and was in the hospital for weeks. so i need to get that checked out soon. but im afraid because the medicine is working a lot better than any medication ive been on before and i dont want to have to stop taking it.

worry, stress, depress.