heavy hearted


ive been having a lot of trouble with the whole unloveable thing lately. like i recognize that im 30 and these deep rooted feelings are supposed to have gone away by now but they havent and they probably wont. and everyone and everything around me is just like… driving that home lately. nats pretty much exclusively talks about her boyfriend or her illness, usually how awesome her boyfriend is about her illness. kale and donna dont seperate anymore, christian is the christian situation, every show and every book have some stupid love plot. my heart just feels heavy about it.

in other things ive somehow failed to talk about, joe and his family were here for the past week. i had a very bipolar week and the visit had some very rough points for me. i stayed at my parents for 5 days, with everyone else. i skipped a lot of activities and cried in the bathroom a lot. christian had to talk me out of being suicidal one morning. but the visit was good overall i think, i dont think they kids noticed anything was wrong and i played with them enough that i think they have positive memories of me.

the best part of the visit was sibling lunch, which turned into sibling dinner because amy had plans at lunch. every time we are all together the 4 of us go to lunch without any kids or spouses and its nice. this time was better than in florida because i think its pretty obvious im not doing great and this time we didnt all just ignore it and talk about everything as if it were fine. which is progress for me. i did cry at a restaurant though, which isnt awesome. but jeff did offer to let me move into his basement apartment if i really cant pay rent, which is nice of him. and also relieves some stress because i really didnt feel ok moving into my parents house given the situation with my grandmother. theyve got enough burdens, if you know what i mean? not that i dont love my gma. but shes lost her memory entirely (she already forgets joe visited), and she cant go to the washroom by herself so shes not… without burden to my mom. i feel mean saying that.

im not doing so great, overall. i cant tell if its the stress or if im just in a down period or what. ever since that suicidal leg cutting night things havent really recovered. i can mostly hold a conversation fine and i dont think its incredibly noticeable that things arent great though, so thats an improvement. i have trouble at night, and during the day when i have too much time to think. so basically whenever there isnt something actively distracting me like people or grocery shopping or something. sometimes i spiral but mostly i just cry a lot. my heart is heavy, i guess. all of me is heavy. my weight is bothering me more than usual.

i talk to christian about 16 hours a day, off and on. so thats a pretty decent distraction and most of the time it helps keep some of the crying spells at bay. he’s going on vacation next week and i want to be happy for him, or i am happy for him, but im worried how im going to fill all that time with something so i dont spiral out of control. like… i dont know how to talk about it. because christian is great and we are friends and we talk because we are friends. but talking is also distracting and distracting keeps me from sobbing which keeps me from thinking which keeps me from wanting to die. does that make sense? probably not. i think really i just need to a) make more friends and b) get to a place where i dont need constant distraction to not become suicidal. but here we are. im expecting the next 7 days are going to be rough.

maybe more than 7 days.

i have a rash on the inside of one of my arms that i assumed was razor burn but appears to be getting worse not better and it scares me because rashes are a really serious side effect of one of my medications. apparently they can be a symptom of stephen johnsons syndrome or whatever the fuck, which is bad and involves skin “sloughing” off your body.  my mother had it and was in the hospital for weeks. so i need to get that checked out soon. but im afraid because the medicine is working a lot better than any medication ive been on before and i dont want to have to stop taking it.

worry, stress, depress.







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