glowstick

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let me start by saying christian is on vacation so i know he wont read this, which means i am just going to be honest for once.

im seriously considering if i should stop talking to him for awhile. just like a month or two. i still want to be friends. but im both depending on him in ways i dont like and am not proud of, and am also continuously breaking my own heart.

i know the transition was easy for him and i know he wants it to be easy for me but its not. i mean, sometimes its fine, just sometimes its really not. and i cant figure out what causes it.

its like for the past couple weeks ive survived by separating current friendship with christian from past christian anything. and by doing that ive effectively separated christian from any of the feelings he caused. but the feelings are still there and im still having to work through them anyway because he effectively caused my worst nightmare and pulled on all the things i fear most about life and myself and threw them at me, even though he didnt mean to. im in a big ol pit of depression and on some level, he caused it. not that its his fault; im fucked up and have all these weird fucked up insecurities he couldnt have known about. but what he did was pretty fucked up too.

my bipolar is all out of whack. im fine and then im suicidal and then im just sobbing for hours. alone.

ive basically had three thoughts playing continuously on repeat:

  1. dont kill yourself
  2. hes married and he doesnt love you anyway
  3. try harder, you’re failing

i told kale i wasnt doing well so hes taking me to the beach today for something distracting. i love him. i have good friends. supposed to see sam on friday too, but she works two jobs and has company literally always so i dont know if that will actually happen. nicole is in the province and should be coming to visit the city soon, which is exciting. i miss nicole a lot.

christian tried to describe the whole he never loved me thing as an equation where half of it is friendship love and half of it is romantic love and he loves me friendshipwise but the rest was just question marks, like he wasnt sure. i dont think its question marks for him. i think he knows he just doesnt love me and is afraid to just tell me that. or at the very least, we’ve made some sort of decision to be bffs, so the rest is getting thrown out. and i wish he’d just tell me that if that was the end of it. i dunno. i just wish he was better at communicating his actual emotions instead of what he thinks is best for me.

i need to get ready to swim now. hopefully this day with kale snaps something in my head, something to go from light from all the dark. like a glowstick, haha.

im trying.

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