day 1


everything with christian was finally going right and good and we worked it out. and then i fucked it all up.

well, not exactly.

but we are taking a break from talking to each other, at my behest, so i can get over him. i never really took the time to do that because i was too busy being mad, or worried, or scared he’d disappear.

i told him last night over skype and he cried. then i cried. and this is going to sound fucked up but him crying his face off made me feel like we’d be ok if i did this now.

so today is the first day we didnt speak. we normally talk about 16 hours a day, pretty well straight, sometimes with a phone call thrown in.

it has been soul crushingly difficult for me.

he emailed me this morning for a clarification on boundaries, because i guess i make those decisions since this entire thing is happening because of me.  i took all day t respond because i had no idea what to say. and that 3 lines of text is all the communication we’ve had. and i want him to email me back so bad i feel sick. this is so hard.


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