its not getting easier.


i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you




This will probably be the last time i write about Christian, because it was probably the last time we’ll ever speak. so here we go.

three days after the ‘day 1’ entry on here christian and i talked. we got back together. he said he was in love with me. we were together for three days. to my understanding we’d come to an agreement where we werent going to see other people for a few weeks to get solid because lord knows we had been anything but solid. he agreed to delete tinder. things were fine. and then he had a date with another girl three days after we got together that was supposedly ‘no big deal’ because the date had been made friday and we’d gotten back together saturday so it ‘didnt count’. he went on that date knowing i was horribly uncomfortable with it, knowing i said it was probably going to break us up. i dont think he thought i’d really do it.

so he went. and they clicked. and he wanted to see her. and i said i wasnt ready to be in a three way relationship. and he chose her. thats basically the sum of it.

we had this fight while my grandmother was dying. i was really in no place to have been making decisions at all but thats how it happened. maybe things would have been different if the time had been different. but i dont think they would have. in the end we had a huge fight and i deleted him off facebook and that was the end. that part probably would have been different.

i emailed him like 5 days later with an apology for how things ended because i was in a very bad state and things did not need to end as horribly as they did. he didnt respond. 5 or so days after that i messaged him and said when i said we were best friends i meant it and i was willing to have whatever fight we needed to have to get back to being friends, even though our romantic life was absolutely, completely, crushed and dead. he said hed like that. that he wanted to be friends. but he didnt want to have the fight. he just wants to wait till we arent mad anymore. we added each other back to facebook.

im not an idiot. i know he’s never going to speak to me again. i know that was code for ‘im waiting until i dont give a shit about you so ill be completely indifferent to talking to you’

its been… i dont even know how long since. a week or two. id be amazed if he actually speaks to me again. i dont even know if i should want to speak to him again because he basically said your love is worthless to me and he was probably lying about it the whole time, again.  he confuses me so much, still. im heartbroken, still. i dont know if ill ever fully recover from how much that hurt and hit every insecurity i ever had.  but i guess its my fault for giving someone so independent what effectively became an ultimatum.

he used to say id have been better off if id never met him, and if he doesnt come back and we dont become friends again, i think he’s probably right.

i cried the entire time i wrote this.

goodbye, christian.