(back again, shady’s back, tell a friend…)
so I’ve been gone a long ass time. like three and a half months. despite the last entry here, and the depressing ones leading up to it, this is actually because my life has been going pretty well, and well… i dont come here to process my feelings when my feelings are good. i guess. eddie was bugging me to update for awhile, because things were good and i was (am?) good, and i do think its important to present some normal times here (if id done that over the years that whole christian thing probably would never have happened. just saying.), but i didnt. and then i meant to, and then i didnt. and so on and so forth.
then i got an email from the contact form i forgot i even had on here (?!?) asking if i was ok because i fell off the planet and i have this slight history of almost killing myself.
so. here we are.
because its been so long i guess i’ll just try to highlight some of the major things that happened this fall and then ill go back to over analyzing my current life, as i do haha. Im not really writing this as if someone other than me is going to read it (i never do, though its cool that people do? it’s also really weird. but in a good way? but here we are.) so this is literally just a recap for when i come back and look at my life as opposed to a witty edited version of events that youd find on normal blogs because i still just treat this as a diary (sorry.) basically what im saying is this is gonna be dry as fuck. but here we go!
I had been living in an old character ridden flat with bright colored walls and beautiful though gappy hardwood floors. it was a huge one bedroom with a sunroom, tons of closet space and some of my bffs lived in the flat upstairs. it also had the worst oven possible for something that was still technically functional, and cost a bazillion dollars a month. it was in the “artsy” (read: hipsters and poor people) end of town.
So when i went on EI because I went crazy, I got a roommate in order to stay living there. she lived in the sunroom because it was big enough to be a bedroom (mostly). as I think I documented on here over the summer, she turned out to be less than ideal and bailed on me on august 1. since aforementioned apartment cost a billion dollars a month, this was not sustainable on ei. I was freaking out, a lot, about what i was going to do because i was in a lease, and I was broke, and much, much, much stress ensued (as im sure was documented but i didnt go back and look). then gma died and christian happened and blahdy blah so it was a bit of a shit show at the end of august. but anyway, i broke my lease and left at the end of October.
the new place
Because I am very poor and my life was a complete mess at the time, and I have the most excellent of families, my brother offered to let me come live in his house for free. So I ended up moving into a studio apartment in Jeff’s house. It is his house but the place is set up as three apartments, so the top floor is where Brandy’s sister lives, middle floor is where Jeff’s family lives, and live on the lower level. Its a 15 minute walk away from my old place, but in a nicer area. SO basically I have my own apartment in a nicer place for $0 a month at the moment. I am a spoiled bitch, and my stress has been reduced greatly. also I see my niece and nephew all the time, which is nice.
So if youve been following timelines, which you havent because i was not at all clear, this means I had two months living at my old place for a bazillion dollars a month by myself. this took all of my ei money for those two months and i could barely afford my pills and food, but thats neither here nor there. anyway, so during these two months my father and i renovated the apartment I now live in, in Jeff’s house. We ripped out the walls between the kitchen and the washroom and rebuilt them in new places, moved the entrance to the washroom, built shelves for the washroom, made inset shelves in the kitchen, bought new kitchen appliances because the ones here didnt actually function, etc. it was actually a super nice father daughter bonding experience overall. plus it gave me a schedule and routine everyday (we literally came and worked here for 6-10 hours a day, every day, for about 6 weeks), which combined with coping better with my gma stuff and getting over christian and knowing i could stop stressing about money in november, drastically improved my mental health. i was a happy as i remember being in years through most of October. and I think my dad respects me more now because even though I am the least handy person on earth, i did show up everyday and i did learn how to like drywall and remove flooring and shit. so it was good times.
I applied to grad school!
As Im sure has come across over the past three years, going to grad school has been a major goal of mine. it has gotten completely fucked up numerous times by my very severe mental illness. whoops.
my therapist is not overly supportive of my going to grad school in general, but although I have carefully considered his opinion on this matter, fuck him. I have made major concessions in this arena to hopefully be able to complete it while also dealing with my severe mental illness, and I think thats a decent compromise for the both of us. For one, I didn’t try to go ivy league, despite having the marks and the experience to have given me a decent shot (and because this had been my goal since high school). that sounded pretentious, I accept that, moving on. second, i decided to only apply to grad schools where I live. which means I only applied to one school, because its the only one with good science based grad programs (luckily, its a pretty good school in its own right). this means i wont leave my support system or my doctors. third, i made sure the program i applied to allowed people to switch to part time status for health reasons if necessary.
So. all that being said, i finally fucking applied to do my Masters in Community Health and Epidemiology. this is a massive jump from my psych background. massive. so there is still a decent chance I wont get in. but ive got the grades and really good recommendation letters, so fingers crossed. and hey i did jump from fine art to psychology with ease, so maybe itll all work out. ill talk more about this at some point probably.
After applying I was invited to apply for a scholarship, and I also applied for the canadian graduate scholarship, which were both extremely in depth applications that required you basically summarize your proposed research for your masters degree. that was super fucking stressful because unlike other masters degrees where you get a supervisor to get into the program, so you generally have you field of research narrowed down, in this program you get matched up with someone in second year. and again, this field is a massive departure from my previous educational background. so basically i kind of had a meltdown trying to write these wondering if i picked the completely wrong program blahdy blah because i was having trouble fitting what i wanted to do into the application. but in the end i basically proposed that i wanted to look at how socioeconomic status influences hospital admission rates for youth presenting at the er with mental health concerns. so. fingers crossed on those as well.
my other brother, joe, helped me a shit ton with those applications. obviously, he runs a research lab and teaches at an ivy league university, so hes kinda given me an edge (hopefully). and once again, my family is most excellent.
My meds are fucking working (for the most part)
So i started my current med regime quite awhile ago, but ive finally got proper levels on everything, and everything is working together really well. also, my life situation has calmed the fuck down, and being on medical leave from life for a year has really really helped. basically, this is the most stable my mood has been in probably 15 years. that being said im still going through ups and downs. probably the hardest thing to explain to people who arent bipolar is that when i say my mood is stable i dont mean that it isnt shifting. i just mean when i feel an emotion if feels… solid? like before it was all a jumbled mess that flew around in every direction and i felt so many millions of things at once it was overwhelming and confusing. even when i felt like i felt nothing. now when im depressed, i feel depressed and awful and thats that. theres no rapid shifting all the time? no mixture of extremely energetic but horribly suicidal, really. i guess part of it is i havent had any mixed episodes since starting, but thats not really what im trying to say. i dont know, its really fucking difficult to put into words that someone outside myself would understand. i will work on this in future entries. but for the most part no mania, very little hypomania, and still some depression but like… normal depression. well i mean still clinical but i think at the level of the majority of people with major depression, as opposed to kind of tipping the scale at the craziest of crazy, and no psychotic depression episodes.
i believe i am currently a functional managing human. huzzah.
i dated a guy named mark for like two months. super nice guy, timing was bad, basically. and our sexual preferences werent really a match (without spilling my sexual preferences or his on a blog haha). we’re good friends now (guys: i made a friend. that doesnt happen).
other than that, ive been actually meeting people and dating more than i have before. its been kinda good, i think im learning some general dating skills that i severely lack. im very weird about dating and relationships, as eddie frequently points out. i find it very difficult and i generally strongly dislike it. to the point where id almost rather just stay single. but now that im emotionally kind of balanced out, not being alone forever would kind of be a nice thing. so im giving it a shot. ive met some super cool people, but really online dating apps are the fucking worst. ill rant about that later too.
most of my previous dating has been done entirely while, or started while, i was very manic or hypomanic (see: christian) and making choices i probably wouldnt normally make. sometimes thats a huge glaring problem (see: coke guy) and sometimes its just kind of a push in one direction that will play out how it will. anyway. now whenever i date brandon gets worried im manic, which is fair. but im not.
i also have been trying just to meet people even if i dont want to date them just to meet cool people. the other day a met a guy on bumble who was just here for the weekend and he ended up checking out of his hotel to come stay here for the night and we stayed up literally all night having life chats and drinking. no hooking up or anything, just… friends. it was nice. im not sure we will ever really speak again, though we did the facebook and phone numbers thing, but i think that was it and im fine with that, and also had a very positive experience. so like, baby steps right?
work (or lack there of)
I am still on ei. it runs out in 2.5 weeks. im freaking out about that now, and getting very stressed, as i’ve only really got enough saved to be able to feed myself and still have a life for about 2, maybe 3 months after my ei runs out. and no one hires in dec/jan. but, on a positive note, im not paying rent, so i can ease back into the workforce with a part time job of sorts. on the downside, two of the part time jobs ive applied for so far explicitly stated i was “over qualified” for the position in that negative way. also i have no like retail experience or anything that most part time jobs are. so thats going to be tricky. wish me luck.
christmas is a couple weeks away. it will be my first without my gma, so itll bring a whole new set of traditions since we always rented a room in her apartment building for christmas day so she could come. her birthday was also in november, so ive spent a lot of time thinking about stuff like that. otherwise, joe and his family arent coming to visit this year, and my cousins just confirmed they cant make in from quebec, so it will be a very low key christmas. but amy will be down, so that will be good. and my parents are actually buying me gifts this year because im so poor haha so that will be fun too. im trying to come up with something to give jeff and brandy, which ive never done because we dont do gifts ,and it is extremely difficult, but i feel like i should do something nice for them. unfortunately it cant be food as they are vegetarian, gluten free, sugar free, no garlic no onions blah blah blah and girl just cant do that.
things are very boring right now, without working but with a functioning brain. its kind of bad for the depression, but i mean its not real depression its just boredom and the desolate feeling that comes from doing nothing and not having immediate goals.
its been snowing a lot and really cold, which is making me hide inside too much. going to try to work on that. going to try and work on a lot of things.
anyway, very long story short. things have been good, things will be good. im good. hopefully more in the moment, less long blathering dry entries in the future.