in which i overanalyze banal interactions

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its christmas eve!

… yeah thats all i got on that topic. im at my parents house with my sister and her husband and soon to be her husbands mother. its gonna be awkward. i actually actively dislike being around her (as does sean. and hes vocal about it. so thats odd and awkward in its own right) but i feel bad about it because like.. shes nice enough. she just does. not. stop. talking. and its never about anything the person she is talking to would be interested in, its like about a bird in her backyard she saw once. for like two hours. without acknowledging you have responded. she also just sits in one chair without moving (and while still talking) and doesnt actually participate in anything, so we end up just doing things in front of her? which makes me feel super awkward. she doesnt seem to mind though so i suppose i should not associate the fact that it makes me awkward with anything to do with her, really.

BUT. its christmas, and no one should be stuck alone in a house with no family on christmas. so here we are.

my mother made butterscotch chip and jubejube (how is that actually spelled? anyone?) cookies and they are life right now.

and now for something completely off topic.

remember how i said i was trying to date? and also that i was fucking terrible at it?

im getting annoyed. with myself. (and also with everyone who thinks i want to see their penis as an introduction. but thats another story.)

so, story time. this is mostly just an example of why i suck.

i met a guy named jarrad on one of those dating apps, and we spent like 8 hours or so talking the first night and it went well, i think. i know. he hits on me a lot. he was actually pretty cool, which is incredibly rare on dating apps, for those of you happily married people out there. we swapped phone numbers because the app was being a jackass, but then he doesnt text me back (despite literally just giving me his number). assume he passed out because its like 4 am. nbd.

get drunk next night, send him a random hey! text on the app as to not be weird since he never responded to the text. does not respond.

assume it was a one night thing and write it off. lets not be desperate here.

7 days pass. randomly messages me, at which point he apologizes because he was ‘at sea’. he isnt in the navy so i did not realize his job actually made him go to sea, so thats cool. nbd. happy to talk to him. talk for another 8 or so hours, but still on the stupid app that barely works. passing suggestion of getting together over the holidays. he passes out mid convo again, because i am basically a vampire and  hide from the sun and he is a normal person with a job. messages me in the morning apologizing for passing out. couple hours later i send a text making fun of myself for sleeping at stupid times, or something. no response. assume he is at work, wasnt really expecting one. message him later that night, no response.

4 days pass. assume hes not really that interested. like how ill message people after a week or two just because i cant sleep (im a bad person).

messages me out of the blue. was sent out on a ship for a couple days again. cool, nbd, i still like talking to him. get into a convo for a couple hours, at which point he says he “doesnt feel like im into him like hes into me”. because he hits on me a lot, but like also never talks to me two days in a row, ever, and im me so i have defence mechanisms and dislike being vulnerable so i probably havent been giving off ‘i wanna fuck you’ vibes. so we talk about that for a minute, and cover the whole i am totally interested, just youve been throwing me off with the random communication schedules. (to be clear: we have both already communicated we arent going for casual sex. if it was casual sex, this would be a different story). he apologizes, which wasnt really what i was going for, he doesnt know me and doesnt owe me an explanation, i was just being honest. anyway. he wants me to open up more, or whatever, this eventually leads to talking about sex as it literally always does, only it was a little.. odd. but not bad, just odd. he passes out in the middle of that convo too, which was awkward and has never happened to me before. but meh, whatever. he was pretty clear about the liking me and the wanting to get together next week. send him a “well that didnt go as expected lol” text and call it a night.

no response the next day, meh whatever. send him a text that night that just said ‘hi?’. he doesnt respond. next day (today). send him a text that says ‘so, just so we are clear, this is why i didnt think you were interested lol but have a good christmas’. no response.

end scene.

so heres the ways in which i suck:

  1. i should not have sent that last text, probs.
  2. feel like i freaked him out in the sex convo.
  3. he legit could not tell that i liked him.
  4. i care that he hasnt responded. even though its a dating app, and theres literally no grounds for me to care at this point.
  5. this interaction makes me sad inside every time he disappears and i think hes over it. i dont know why, i literally talk to like 10 different people a day and dont really like any of them.
  6. i have no idea if he likes me or not. none at all. even though we’ve had conversations about it.

so. yeah. im talking to a few other people who are decent though so theres still hope. not a lot of hope, but hope.

im terrible.

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