boredom

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got some good news today, which is they can process my withdrawal from grad school as a differal, with my scholarship, so i can try again next year and pay no tuition this year, which is good. my tuition would have covered my health care benefits though, which i need, and i can still print of a plan card so i might try to play the system for a dental appointment. because im a bad ass and such.

theres not much happening so there not much to write about. i feel like i need to find something to do otherwise i sleep all day and eat random shit all night. i need to stop gaining weight. not even lose at this point, just stop gaining. im at the top of wearing i can conveniently find clothes. its a worry. also ive noticed i have difficulty getting up off the floor without something to lean on so its getting pretty bad. its embarrassing and i havent told anyone that.

im considering taking a book making course just for something to do. ive already taken bookbinding but this is a weird spin of course called the altered book or something. its supposed to be about telling stories. im not sure id be good at that but whatever. its something to do. i desperately need something to do on a regular basis. i keep saying im going to paint but i never do. its a shame because im pretty decent at it. i just dont have motivation to do things that arent with other people right now.

blah blah blah. i really have nothing to say, im just this bored.

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fuck up

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so ive been in grad school for about three weeks.

and im leaving.

or at least, i think im probably leaving. i havent talked to my parents since theyve been in europe and i havent talked to my therapist because i missed an appointment. and also because i hate that he was right.

id technically be taking a medical leave of absence, meaning (hopefully) it would keep my scholarship in tact and allow me to try again next year. i dont know if want to.

im not sure if i picked the wrong program, the timing was bad with the break down before, my meds are too strong, or a combination of things but i cant force myself to care about it and im just so exhausted all the time.

the routine was bad for me. i know i know im bipolar so routine is supposed to be some holy grail but i cant do it. it increases the exhaustion and feels claustrophobic. its part of the reason i cant do this.

im very worried about disappointing everyone. i know my parents thought this was going to fix everything. i thought this was going to fix everything. especially financially. scholarships and loans i finally didnt have to worry about money. but that will all be gone. my student loan already came in so im not sure how they will take it back but they will.

i feel disappointed.

i feel disappointing.