Christian.

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This will probably be the last time i write about Christian, because it was probably the last time we’ll ever speak. so here we go.

three days after the ‘day 1’ entry on here christian and i talked. we got back together. he said he was in love with me. we were together for three days. to my understanding we’d come to an agreement where we werent going to see other people for a few weeks to get solid because lord knows we had been anything but solid. he agreed to delete tinder. things were fine. and then he had a date with another girl three days after we got together that was supposedly ‘no big deal’ because the date had been made friday and we’d gotten back together saturday so it ‘didnt count’. he went on that date knowing i was horribly uncomfortable with it, knowing i said it was probably going to break us up. i dont think he thought i’d really do it.

so he went. and they clicked. and he wanted to see her. and i said i wasnt ready to be in a three way relationship. and he chose her. thats basically the sum of it.

we had this fight while my grandmother was dying. i was really in no place to have been making decisions at all but thats how it happened. maybe things would have been different if the time had been different. but i dont think they would have. in the end we had a huge fight and i deleted him off facebook and that was the end. that part probably would have been different.

i emailed him like 5 days later with an apology for how things ended because i was in a very bad state and things did not need to end as horribly as they did. he didnt respond. 5 or so days after that i messaged him and said when i said we were best friends i meant it and i was willing to have whatever fight we needed to have to get back to being friends, even though our romantic life was absolutely, completely, crushed and dead. he said hed like that. that he wanted to be friends. but he didnt want to have the fight. he just wants to wait till we arent mad anymore. we added each other back to facebook.

im not an idiot. i know he’s never going to speak to me again. i know that was code for ‘im waiting until i dont give a shit about you so ill be completely indifferent to talking to you’

its been… i dont even know how long since. a week or two. id be amazed if he actually speaks to me again. i dont even know if i should want to speak to him again because he basically said your love is worthless to me and he was probably lying about it the whole time, again.  he confuses me so much, still. im heartbroken, still. i dont know if ill ever fully recover from how much that hurt and hit every insecurity i ever had.  but i guess its my fault for giving someone so independent what effectively became an ultimatum.

he used to say id have been better off if id never met him, and if he doesnt come back and we dont become friends again, i think he’s probably right.

i cried the entire time i wrote this.

goodbye, christian.

Meeting

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so. uuhhh. christian just left. which means this probably isnt the ideal time to write a happy blog post about his visit but here we are anyway.

im going to try to write this like i dont know he’ll eventually read it. and maybe he wont, im sure he doesnt like check it daily for updates or anything. anyway.

it was a really good visit, i think. at least it was a really good first meeting. his plane(s) got all sorts of fucked up and delayed so he ended up getting here thursday morning instead of wednesday night. the airport was the most nerve inducing awkward completely adorable thing i’ve experienced in a long time. I didnt know where i was going when i got there because the bus gets in on a lower level than anything else is on (who knew that existed?) and i ended up signing up to get information about a credit card in order to get directions.  on the upside, the women there thought i might be 21, so that was a decent ego boost before going to meet someone for the first time. they were very nice. i actually have no regrets about that interaction, but i havent received the junk mail yet. ANYWAY. I go there and awkwardly paced around for a 10 minutes and then people started getting off the plane and then there was the very surreal moment where i could see him but he wasnt actually to me yet. and then there was the hugs and the real and the smells good. im pretty sure i was shaking but he was definitely shaking so i felt better. he kissed me on the escalator. and we cuddled and kissed and whispered to each other the whole bus ride home. it was overall pretty adorable.

we came home, spent some time in bed and then went the coastal which actually kind of sucked. note to self, do not order off the lunch menu. felt a little bad we didnt order something more delicious. went home, spent more time watching movies and making out and snuggling in bed. ordered christian his first chicken shawarma, which is always delicious. then, as promised, we went to finding dorey. have an adorable photo:

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it didnt really feel like meeting a stranger, which was good. i was worried it would feel like a stranger. i was essentially going on a three day pof date that you couldnt get out of if it went terribly. luckily it went better than pof dates do haha.

Friday morning we woke up late and he made me pumpkin pancakes, also as promised, and looked extremely hot while doing so. again, have a picture:

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(this is basically the only place these pictures are ever allowed to be seen, so im going to post a bunch)

we walked to the liquor store and stopped in at lion and bright on the way. then we got day drunk and high and hung out in bed. watched a lot of movies and snuggled. ordered the halifax pizza place classic of donairs, poutine and newfie fries for him to try.  the poutine was pretty shit though but we’ll ignore that.

Saturday we actually got up at a decent hour (well like, decent for a normal person. he weirdly mostly put me on his sleep schedule while he was here), walked to tim’s where we got incredibly sweet drinks (not good, you fail me tims.) we snuggled and watched movies for awhile the  we went to the waterfront to explore a bit of the touristy stuff of halifax/make sure he actually saw the ocean while here.we got ice cream and walked the boardwalk. stopped in at the stubborn goat beer garden where we apparently sat in the wrong place but oh well. have another picture:

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got him an east coast lifestyle shirt because it was only super nova scotian thing i could think of that also doesnt identify itself as being from canada so he could actually where it later. i got a sunburn like the pale white girl that i am.

came home and hung out in bed for a bit and then went to mother’s for fancy pizza, then spent most of the night snuggling/watching movies/napping/etc. until her had to go to the airport. have a sort of terrible picture:

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then we took a cab to the airport and he left, somewhat awkwardly. and i took the bus back to town and then cabbed home and took a nap. so here we are. all three of his planes seem to have actually gone as scheduled so he should be home soon.

 

so thats the recap.

he said i love you a bunch, held my hand in public even though i looked like hell, we had a lot of sex and things seemed like they went well? im still waiting for the other shoe to drop because its who i am. and it might happen. probably wont, but it might.

it felt weird sending him home. like i know this was just a secret vacation for him but it was my actual life so. i dont know. i was just returning him to his real life with his house and his wife and his pets. like you return a library book that was never really yours.

so. overall the trip was really good in and of itself but it was also a little harsh for me in that it really exposed the bubble. like he can be part of my life but ill never really be part of his. which ive known from the beginning but i like to try to ignore. he says he’ll come back but i dont know if he really will. i feel less like we’re together and more like a casual side fling. except he flew a couple thousand miles to be here so i just dont know. i told nats about the married poly thing (not the internet thing) and she judged me i think.

the bubble was really nice though. id live there if i could.

 

 

tomorrow!!

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i feel like i should write but i havent decided what to say yet.

Christian gets here tomorrow! …i am freaking out! i only scrubbed the washroom for like 2 hours. which is saying something considering its the size of a shoebox and doesnt even have a tub. i still need to clean basically everything else.

Christian and i have had a rough couple days. almost broke up. id write about it but im so happy right now i dont want to crush it on myself for the sake of documentation. im sure ill have an entry about it later anyway, since we basically resolved to just ignore the problem. it was a lot of this, on repeat:

but now its like 27 hours until i meet him at the airport and its just butterflies and mushy insides. or thats how im trying to keep it.

so now im just listening to a lot of birdy and reading a lot of the book he sent me while also avoiding laura like the plague, which i think shes also doing because its awkward as fuck up in here. im debating if im going to remind her the lamp and table in her room are actually mine. she literally owns nothing. i dont know how shes going to survive on her own. she might not, to be honest. but its not like ill be around to find out. also i think im just going to act like she doesnt exist with regards to the having crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

…im very excited to have crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

but also nervous. so nervous.

what if its terrible? that would be so awkward now haha. though i mean i guess the first time is always a little awkward and weird. so. theres that. but i feel like this will be especially awkward since its the first time but also not really the first time. does that make sense? probably not.

i think my meds are working pretty well lately, all things considered. i havent been devastatingly suicidal this week. or even like, mildly suicidal. what a nice change.

had a good night with brandon this weekend. i love brandon. i miss seeing him everyday. that being said, i am super excited to live alone in a couple weeks. i hope christian can come back while i have an empty house. which may be a couple months or a couple years, i guess it depends on the job situation.

god damn do i suddenly need a job. i mean, not that i didnt need one before but the doubling of the rent and the health insurance running out in the same month was kind of a kick in the teeth.

26 hours and 12 minutes. not that anyones counting.

tomorrowtomorrowtomorrow

9 days

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where to begin.

there three things i need to cover before i can talk much about today so lets get those out there:

1. christian bought plane tickets (!!!) to come see me (!!!) and will be here in 9 days (!!!). im nervous and terrified and happy. i dont know what this is or is going to be or if it matters in the end but for 4 nights im not going to care.

2. Laura decided shes moving out, which kind of fucks me over for rent and everything else. which is one thing. this whole fight between her and kale and donna has reached such a ridiculous point im just happy to have it over with, to be honest, im so sick of being stuck in the middle. but i like laura and i like her as a roommate. so its all around just sort of shitty for me.

3. I spent the weekend camping, hence the lack of posts. camping went well! though i did keep up my tradition of getting sick and throwing up the woods. so theres that.

today has been a very bipolar day. i missed my meds last night and my hands are shaking so badly a spilled an entire glass of water on myself when i got home a minute ago. constant uncontrollable shaking (or as i like to call it, JAZZ HANDS) is something i got used to for a lot of years but had mostly gone away in the past six months. i forgot how difficult it is to do basic things like text or hold a full glass of water.

i missed my meds. and weird things happen when i miss my meds. so i woke up sad and over thinking and when im sad and over thinking it usually leads to bursting the christian bubble (that sounds oddly religious…), which sort of happened, but mostly i was just depressed and wall starring.

then the package christian sent me showed up, out of the blue, which was really exciting for a number of reasons: a) mail!!! b) hoodie and a book!!! c) HIS hoodie and HIS book!! and d) the postal strike didnt ruin it!

so that helped. a lot. have a selfie in the magical happy sweater:

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but after that i had one of those soul crushing panic attacks. it started out confusing and crying and turning into imploding and not breathing and fetal position, digging nails and scrapping skin sort of panic attacks. tore my arms up a bit, nothing major. called my sister to come get me because i was afraid to be alone. we went to my grandmothers and had pizza. it was nice, shes almost back to herself. she was like a confused child we were caring for for so long its almost strange to see her be human again now. we went swimming. the chlorine burned my torn up arms and the sting was oddly calming. i used to lay in that pool floating on my back with my ears covered listening to the internal ringing for hours back in 2013 when life fell apart. so i did that again for a bit.

home now. in bed in the magic sweater. i still dont feel…right. though i feel a little better. and i took my meds today, so hopefully tomorrow will be better. i wish laura and i werent in this weird awkward place because i really dot want to be alone right now, but we are. i cant text christian cuz its the 4th of july so he is having some big party with his wife and friends and im not going to interrupt it to be sad at him. the hoodie is comforting though. so thats something.

in which things became more reasonable

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well. that was short lived.
not that its over.
just… changed.

we will live in our bubble for the times when we’re around each other and fly around to see each other but its going to stay casual. or as casual as it can with the i love yous thrown in. im not going to tell anyone anything other than we’re friends who hook up. and that’ll be that.

i knew it was crazy to begin with so realistically this makes more practical sense. so he probably wont be my date to my friends wedding, and i probably wont look at grad schools in the midwest. and all those other stupid silly pipe dreams people come up with when theyre far apart.

so i guess the long and short of it is that this turned out exactly how i said all relationships with married poly guys do but im still doing it anyway. its just not a relationship anymore, really, so i dont have to worry about the poly thing now. and he can date more, i suppose.

for all the practicality it feels a bit like a sucker punch to the gut though.

and then i sobbed

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i dont know how or where to start and im not in a state to figure it out so im just going to talk.

i know love is supposed to be all you need out of things. and it feels like that sometimes. like we’ll figure the rest out sometime.

but i dont know if i can do this. being poly is not a thing i ever wanted. i mean ill do it, because its practical, because it feels even, because it makes other things matter less. because i love him even though i shouldnt. but its not a natural feeling. its a horrible awful feeling most of the time.

i blew off a date this morning, by accident. i legit just forgot. but i dont know, about this whole thing.

i know he expects me to be ok with it and im trying. its not like its his fault im not very good at it. i knew what i was getting into. and hes nice about it. i think in his ideal world his wife and i would be best friends and/or people who fuck, so i mean, i guess we are meeting in the middle at the moment.

so im trying.

but it feels like im giving up so much all of the time. and i get thats its mostly because im uncomfortable and i just need to work on that. but its so hard. and it hurts so bad.

he wants me to go visit and stay in his house and see his life. and like, i want to on most levels. i spend a lot of time imagining how meeting his wife would go and im pretty sure it would be fine, id just have to sleep alone and act like a guest because thats what i would be doing and nothing else would feel right even though he says we’d just sleep in the guest room and it would be fine. and it would, probably, but here we are.

he’s not out as poly and all the things i wrote about last time about married people apply here. he’s not going to tell anyone (besides his wife, obviously) and its just going to be this secret things that exists between the two of us. and theres something romantic about that. sweet little bubble.

but its also sort of awful; like it doesnt count at all. like im overly invested in something i shouldnt be. like when youre in a friends with benefits situation and you start to catch feelings and youre just like ‘well fuck’.

i think that would offend him.

he tells me he loves me all the time and i believe him. which is crazy. but i dont know if it counts in this situation.

i know im getting too far ahead of myself and that the next step is his coming here and seeing if things even line up like they should. like all this stuff is stuff to worry about later.

but right now its all too too much. so im just going to sob by myself until theres no tears left in my body and no thoughts left in my head and thats going to be ok. im going to let myself stop trying for just couple hours. i need to stop trying for a couple hours.

felt like this.

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theres so much to say and i have no idea how to say it.

things have been going pretty well for me since going on medical leave, like i feel like shit is coming together for the first time in a long time, so its not that. i dont need to talk about the pitch pitch black or the other end of the spectrum. i can do that. talking about that is easy now.

its the regular life stuff. or the not so regular, in this particular case. the words just dont flow as easily. but i’ve always been the person who needs to talk things through with people and since im not telling any of the people i normally talk things out with, that only leaves here (and oh man is nats going to kill me for not telling her sooner if/when she eventually finds out).

so here we go.

ive been doing something weird. i am doing something weird. and that something weird has lead to some pretty massive life changes for me. so i guess i have to start there.

i met a guy online. it wasnt supposed to be like that. it was a stupid drunken r4r post meant to kill time one night when i was sad and needed distractions so i didnt get myself obliterated home alone because i thought my grandmother was dying and even though im doing well, im not doing that well, and alcohol will always be how i solve that.

and man this is going to be the only place i ever admit this in its entirety.

but i met a guy online and something clicked. i dont know what, or how, or even really why, i cant explain it at all, it just did. quickly.

and he lives far away. not like other side of the world far but far like not within a days drive and this is crazy and stupid and im an adult what the hell am i doing??

im picking at my nail polish to avoid writing the rest of this entry. i dont know why i make myself so uncomfortable. i already told the one person in my life who reads my blog (hi eddie), and the other person that i know who reads my blog already knows everything because hes the guy i met online. so.

like fuck, what am i doing?

so thats weird enough. i could stop there and that would be enough for people to think im fucked in the head (for a new reason for once!) and i wouldnt blame them. buuuut theres more.

as i mentioned last time, he’s married. and poly. and did i mention married?
the poly thing almost doesnt bother me anymore. almost. i will talk about that. but the married bit still gets me. ive always had a no dating married poly guys rule because they are almost always not actually poly and really just mean they have friends with benefits while theyre wholly only in love with their wife ( and no one else) and youre some sort of extra play thing. but even when they arent douche bags and actually are poly i just never got why you would marry someone if youre actually poly. like it doesnt make sense to me. it makes every other relationship you have inferior. forever. especially if you’re not out as poly because then youre basically granting one person the actual significant other role in your life; the one with the family and the friends and the owning a house and the stupid stuff like groceries and shared finances. so how does that fit in with the whole poly picture?

and yet. annnnd yet. im going to have to find out cuz im here. doing this thing. this weird weird thing. and i cant seem to help myself or stop it. like i have feelings i cant control and it is so fucked up. we’re so fucked up. but its so so perfect. and im so so happy.

it makes no sense.

and all i want to do is tell natalie so we can boy gossip about everything like we always do and so she can stop telling me im just a huge commitmentphobe. and because i want to share it. but i just cant. not until things are closer to figured out. not until he comes here and we see if this is all in our heads. which it might be. it really might be.

also theres the poly thing. which i guess im basically doing now. kinda. as much as you can be doing the poly thing while not seeing anyone and sort of seeing someone in the most screwed up way possible. but im still on dating sites and i got asked out a bunch of times this week and theres a couple people i even debated saying yes to (which lets face it, is rare on POF). he apparently only ever dates 2 people at once, which seems practical.

my therapist asked me if i was hypomanic or manic last week and i said no but i might be, judging from the insanely high sex drive. i still dont think im making crazy person decisions though, im just doing something crazy.

….

thats enough. because writing about it is making me think too much and when i think too much the craziness of everything sets in and bursts our happy bubble and then he has to talk me down lol. so i guess this will be a two parted because ive barely scratched the surface of the stuff to say and mentally debate over.

well, i guess it was inevitable

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so. where to start.
i have strep throat. badly. i made it through the school rush at work (we print everyones grad programs) and even worked overtime yesterday to finish them all, but i’m home sick today. because i feel like shit and i broke up with my boyfriend.
i guess. if we even broke up, and if he was even ever my boyfriend.
hard to say really since he didnt actually say anything negative to or about me except he couldnt make it this weekend. and then he stopped talking for days except 3 texts on monday. which im pretty sure he only sent cuz his phone sent out an old one when it got switched back on so he was obligated. so. you know. that would be one thing, except his phone and internet were off for the past 2 weeks and i hadnt spoken to him for 2 weeks before that except for a 2 line email. so. looks like you didnt miss me much eh? i guess it comes down to, he doesnt have time for distractions, he’s in a custody battle and i should probably fuck off. it is what it is i guess? i wish people would just actually say what they mean. yes i worry too much. yes i have a hard time not assuming youre dead when you disappear and i dont know why. i have a severe anxiety disorder. i told you that in advance, i didnt spring it on you, i didnt hide it from you. i’m doing my best here but i cant control it. i dont care where you are or what youre doing but if you could just give me that ‘yeah im not going to talk to you for a month’ heads up, my life would be a lot more livable. yes i emailed you like 5 times in a 7 day period. because before you disappeared i emailed you every night, and you texted/emailed back. and i was concerned. and i think if i wasnt, then id probably be the one of the 2 of us who didnt give a fuck.

glad i didnt actually book a hotel room (saw this cancellation coming a mile away, and also, had pretty much already decided sleeping together was probably not the best idea)

so. yeah.

i really believed him. wovel you this, ‘is it too soon to say i love you’, i really like you..
im such an idiot.
such an idiot.
and it hurts.