Good Lord.

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I know I said I’d write more but my life is legitimately boring. I babysit the kids sometimes, i cook dinner for my family once a week. my anti depressants got raised slightly. my sleep is back on track. like, legit theres nothing personal to talk about really, other than the fact that brandon has somehow convinced me to play dungeons and dragons despite my staunch hate of all things fantasy or dragon related. in related news, i made the most amazing gnome  character possible. he used to be ceramic and he dresses like a hipster. only with armour.

anyway.

the obvious shit to talk about is political, and honestly, for some reason i dont usually do that here. im very political in real life. im a member of a federal and a provincial political party. i worked as a political lobbyist. i subscribe to the Washington posts weekly political recaps incase i missed things. i read actual newspapers (online). i read political subreddits to see what other people think. and i laugh at political memes on twitter, like everyone else. Also, like the VAST majority of Canadians (as can be demonstrated through the current leadership race for the federal conservative party), I fucking hate Trump.

So, really, I have lots of commentary (the globe gag rule being reinstated? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?). but honestly, Im so tired of reading about everyone bitching about trump all the time. like, he deserves it, and i read a lot of it, but i dont really want to come to wordpress to read uninformed opinions about a political leader. especially not from (albeit, a better informed than ordinary) canadian citizen who lives in canada.

but, legitimately, politics are a large part of my day right now. so my very canadian commentary is:

  1. Trudeau’s vacation. Can we please stop fucking talking about it? literally the only people that care that Trudeau took a private plane to the Aga Khan’s private island on his vacation are the media. NO ONE CARES. His family paid their own way, it was not Canadian tax dollars, the guy legitimate deserves a vacation, he has known the Aga Khan his entire life. NO ONE CARES.
  2. Kevin O’Leary joined the race for the Conservative Party. He doesnt even speak fucking french. I mean, I dont either, but Im not trying to be the leader of a bilingual country.  This is what happens when americans elect a reality tv star: suddenly they all think they can do it. And he’s right up there with Leitch for worst possible choice to lead a political party. I’d say I hope they pick one of them cuz theyd stay out of office but then Americans let Trump happen so lets not test it.
  3. Women’s march. very uplifting. interested to see if we can make an actual movement out of this from here. also some really interesting intersectional feminist reads out there right now which have been broadening my admittedly white centric feminist views (which, honestly, i knew were white centric but i didnt realize HOW white centric). i appreciate that learning experience.
  4. Richard Spencer got punched in the face at an anti facist rally. honestly, it is partly his own fault for being the most known facist and showing up at an anti facist rally, even if it was unintentional. but, seriously guys, i know they guy is a nazi but punching him in the face and running away is not helping anyones cause here. and then the washington post comes out with “is it ok to punch a nazi?” articles. which seems… absurd. this is the new normal, i guess? like is that a question we need to seriously debate for future reference? is this coming?
  5. Trump pulled out of the TPP and that may actually be a good thing. this is causing cognitive dissonance.

And in conclusion: thank fucking god I’m Canadian. im going to play games on my phone and attempt to forget the US exists.

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prattle & self loathing

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SO.

that last post was fucking depressing and weird, amiright?

i wrote it and it was genuine and i wrote it and i felt more like myself, somehow.  i think that ‘somehow’ was because it was guilt ridden and full of mostly unreasonable self loathing, which are two of my defining features (heh). but then it sat there for a day and it just started making me feel weird and uncomfortable. though when i actually read it i feel like theres a lot of good in the post, the drive behind writing it was basically that i felt guilty for not being sick, or not properly representing being sick. or some weird fucked up version of that. and i dont feel good about that.

so to be clear: i dont ALWAYS feel bad about doing well. it was a weird combination of holidays, and bad bad bad holiday blog posts by other people talking about how awful happy people are, and my new bambi-learning-to-walk like relationship with a steady emotional life. but i wrote it and part of me meant it, so there it stays.

MOVING ON.

i went to trivia tuesday night with jon and his girlfriend and a friend of hers, as is our tradition. we went weekly when he lived here so we try to go every time hes home, but its not really the same since all of the other team members also moved away.

we did not win, at all, but we did respectably well for four people. also i knew like every song played and  bunch of misc shit so thats always satisfying. then we went to a dessert bar and had an awkward conversation about dating where i learned jons girlfriend has only ever slept with him and no one else and i said nothing but was mentally like WELL YOU NEED TO FIX THAT BEFORE YOU MAKE A LIFELONG COMMITMENT OR IT WILL END BADLY. which is like, a completely unreasonable response to that information. probably. i still definitely think that though.

im going to the mall with brandon tomorrow. ive got to get up at like 930 to meet him at 11. which is like, ungodly early for me. thats basically like telling a normal person they need to get up at 230am and be a functional human. and then ive got to go back out to my parents for the day because my sister is back from visiting people in the valley and its probably? the last night i will see her before she leaves, because im going to a drunken nye party and she is going to play board games with elli.

im slightly stressed because its fancy nye party, where youre supposed to dress up and look nice, because im way too broke to buy a dress and im not sure i actually own a fancy dress that fits me since i gained weight. or more like, failed to lose weight. my old meds made me gain a bunch of weight that i just… never got rid of, so now my entire wardrobe is like a size or so too small, and has been for like a year, but i cant afford new clothes so im just like.. wearing old shit from when i was this size like 5 years ago and things that are stretchy. im like.. not super happy about this situation, but im also not doing anything about it? so i guess im not that unhappy with it?  or at least, not unhappy in any sort of productive fashion.

i never actually mentioned this on here because i wasnt blogging at the time, but i went to florida last february with my family on this disney vacation (wealthy brother paid for it). i came back from that SUPER self conscious and hating my body and i cried every time i had to get on a plane (which was like 6 times in total) because i felt too big for everything. like i spent the first night of the vacation sobbing in my bed, which also broke (not my fault at all but daaaamn did it feel like it), because being on the airplane made me so uncomfortable and awful in a way i couldnt push to the side or ignore. the airplane seats were crammed and awful. the whole vacation was amazing, but was also plagued by my overarching fear of being too fat. i was too afraid to try half the rides because i was afraid i couldnt fit. and it was just like… very very very stressful and awful feeling. which i know no one has any sympathy for because im fat, and thats my fault, and whatever. but it was really awful.

i went on a pretty hardcore calorie counting binge for like 3 or so months after that but i was barely eating (1200 calorie deficit. weighed everything i ate, tracked it in MFP, my dietician sister in law made me meal plans like… it was legit) and i lost like 7 pounds or something, in three months. which seems impossible, but losing weight on my med regime is apparently an extremely uphill battle. plus the pcos. even my sister in law was baffled.

and then i started throwing up all the time. like id just get super nauseated and then start gagging and then throw up… kind of like my now preggo sister in law, only i wasnt pregnant. though it did make me worry i was. but anyway i was barely eating and also throwing up everything i was eating and it became a detriment to my health more than improving it because, as my therapist always says, its amazing someone with my particular personality traits hasnt developed an eating disorder. and then after that i tried going back on a very extreme elimination diet that i was on when they were diagnosing my food problems, and i did that for a little over a month, but that just made me throw up even more, inexplicably, and i was super depressed at the time.. so that ended in october. and since then ive just been “not thinking” about it. and honestly that would be a little liberating if i didnt feel like a substandard human because of my weight. and also if i didnt feel like i had to choose between actually having a real relationship and being fat (not that i want to chose being fat, but i seem to be choosing it anyway, now dont i?).

but, uh, anyway, that was a very tangental way of saying i dont have anything to wear for new years and its spiking my self loathing.

god dammit.

i had this plan to write something banally happy today. like i half wrote a blog post in my head about cooking while i was making quinoa cakes earlier. if nothing else i could have just causally mentioned that i had vertigo for 24 hours, inexplicably, and told the story of me falling sideways into my bathtub (hilarious in retrospect, painful and confusing in the moment. also, wet.).

tomorrow.

tomorrow i will say something fun.

but right now i already wrote this and im sleepy and apparently need to wake up at the equivalent of 230 because “friendship” or something.

things are still good! despite evidence to the contrary.

daily

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while on this whole “trying to write” thing, i decided i should also try to occasionally write things not at 2am. the most frequent time my site is visited is at 2am. i feel this says something about me.

in other news, brandon bailed on our plans tonight, as he does, so a) booooo and b) we’ve made plans to wander around the mall and lament that we do not own things (we own so many things) on december 30th while we are both too poor to actually purchase anything because he needs to take his laptop to the mac store. ill probably wear boots with heels and whine about it a lot and he’ll forget his earmuffs and whine about it a lot and we will both hate the outdoors, because winter, and i will probably end up drinking starbucks because for some reason my phone company likes to give out gift certificates to starbucks? i think that about sums us up. itll be great!

speaking of great, jon got here safe and sound last night and is showing up sometime “around 9” which in jon speak probably means 10 and we are going to do a bunch of nothing but i put beer in the fridge. thats pretty close to being a good host, right? i dont know if hes crashing or not. could be weird cuz i live in a studio apartment now so he could sleep on one of my couches but hed have to listen to me mumble in my sleep. and also id have to go to sleep at a normal person time, which would be good for me, but my body probably will not cooperate.

i stand corrected, he will be here in half an hour, supposedly, so thats only like 920. that would be impressively on time.

i went shopping for my sisters christmas gifts with my mom today; we were only mildly successful. i know i said my family doesnt do gifts, because we dont, but my parents paid to renovate this apartment for me/jeff, and then spent a few thousand dollars on kids toys for my both my brothers’ children, so they feel like they should buy amy things too. which is fair. and also generous.

i managed to get lucy her christmas gift (her birthday is also christmas eve, so we gave her gifts for that last weekend, but my parents paid for the gift i gave her because  i cant afford to buy non basics anymore, really, but i still sort of am… its a bit weird, financially, right now… anyway) i bought her a book called susie the sapphire fairy, which seems up her alley, and it was on sale for $10, aka my price range. and she likes being read to. i am lucky that my niece and nephew arent brats about gifts/how nice things are/how expensive things are (my other nieces and nephews, bless them, are very rich and a little…erm, picky?). like they pretty much like everything in their stocking from the dollarstore as much as anything else, so it makes me feel better about being broke, since i think they will still like the stuff. i bought wes a set of wooden dominos because hes super tactile and likes building things and also knocking them over so i figure, what better sums up that combination? and i also got them the game operation (to share) because it is great (and cheap) and i need more things to do with them while theyre down here. especially because theyre getting pulled out of their after school program in january, and brandy is pregnant so shes going to need a lot of help with them. and we can only play “hide and find the nickels” and “daytime/night time” (legit just turning off the lights and pretending to be asleep) so many times.

i know its weird im buying them gifts even though i literally have zero income in two weeks, but i figure their parents give me a place to live for free, and we do genuinely need something to do when i babysit, and i do love them and such. so im writing it off as a justifiable expense.

anyway, i was going to ramble more but jon is almost here and if i wait to finish this up and or edit it so it was less babbley id be posting this a 2 am again.

 

“writing” something

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i have a friend named eddie. i talk about him randomly. he writes a blog, like a real blog, like a real writer who thinks about what hes going to say and presents things with emotion and makes you feel stuff intentionally. i should be more like eddie. but im not. and im probably never going to be. but for me the purpose of writing was never to be a writer, or to express things to other people or make them feel things. its always just been about getting something off my chest, which is why ive always called this a journal not a blog. i think sometimes my honesty resonates with people, mostly when im honestly crazy, and mostly with other crazy people, but i think i like that. i think thats ok with me.

so really, there are two types of good bloggers: ones who have something to say, and ones who say something often.

sometimes i have a lot to say. you can read all about those times here, even though most of what i had to say was just something that needed to be said but not necessarily read. but the thing is a lot of times i dont. im so used to living in a world of extremes, of bipolar messes, that when something isnt pushing the limits of my emotional capabilities i usually keep my mouth shut. because the quiet is nice. the calm is nice. the calm is something i never experienced much of for years… decades actually, but especially since my breakdown in 2013. so when it comes i back away and i live life like a person. and i forget about writing, and it falls out of my routine.

the thing is, these windows used to be so small. days or sometimes weeks. they were blips in an otherwise chaotic time. and look, if this were to be considered a blog, its a blog with a theme. its a blog about mental illness and its a blog about what its like when shit actually hits the fan. i kind of veered from that over the summer, because i was doing something weird and somewhat regrettable that i needed to work through and i do that here, but i think the driving force of my writing has always been incapacitating emotions.

the thing is, im not really having those right now. or for months now.

and thats weird.

and i dont really know how to make sense of things now, or really know what to talk about because things arent forcefully spewing their way out of me like they always have.

part of me doesnt want to write here now because i like that this is a mental illness blog. i like that this is my place to be unabashedly ill. but i also feel like this is as much of my journey as a mentally ill person as anything else has been. and i know i have a chronic illness and i know the bad parts are going to come back, sometime, so wouldnt it be good to also have something to look back on to prove it wasnt always like that? and if people are going to read this, which they do since i made it public (though admittedly, fewer than read it when i was full blown crazy and writing regularly), dont i kind of also have the responsibility of representing mental illness not just as the harrowing struggles, but also as a full person with other characteristics besides the fact im sometimes suicidal and occasionally very energetically make poor life choices?

thats all little pretentious and over thought, which frankly, i sort of am as a person. to be honest.

but the point is, i could still be someone who says something often.

im going to try to write here even though im relatively healthy and good. i cant promise it will be anything interesting or even really worth reading, and i cant promise it wont still be emotional rehashing about nothing since well, its christmas and my grandmothers dead and really thats going to come out eventually isnt it? lets just accept that now.

i wrote this in two sittings because my niece and nephew came down to play and color, and then my brother came down for a minute, and then i decided to do ALL THE THINGS! (shower! wash hair! do dishes! do laundry! hang up laundry! bake cookies! take out trash! scrub kitchen floors! clean up markers kids left all over floor! fold laundry! so much laundry!) which basically means this has been a relatively productive day for me, by recent standards. recent standards being watching tv in bed all day and drinking too much diet pop as a norm. i mean, i didnt say the bar was high here, folks.

jon gets home tomorrow and is here till after new years, which is exciting. and also my family really has nothing going on over the holidays so hopefully ill actually get to see him a fair bit… though i suppose he has one of those “social life” things ive been hearing about so perhaps we shall see. going christmas shopping with my mother tomorrow for the kids, mostly to help not to actually purchase things because i am poor. so poor. brandons coming over tomorrow night before he heads to cape breton on thursday, because we are still basically family and therefore he must see me before he abandons me for his admittedly delightful mother.

anyway, now that ive been productive all day i clearly need to go watch copious amounts of television to balance it out.

remember when productive meant i like wrote a thesis and worked full time?

yeah.

life is still a bit of a work in progress.