Guess whos back? (the recap)

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(back again, shady’s back, tell a friend…)

so I’ve been gone a long ass time. like three and a half months. despite the last entry here, and the depressing ones leading up to it, this is actually because my life has been going pretty well, and well… i dont come here to process my feelings when my feelings are good. i guess.  eddie was bugging me to update for awhile, because things were good and i was (am?) good, and i do think its important to present some normal times here (if id done that over the years that whole christian thing probably would never have happened. just saying.), but i didnt. and then i meant to, and then i didnt. and so on and so forth.

then i got an email from the contact form i forgot i even had on here (?!?)  asking if i was ok because i fell off the planet and i have this slight history of almost killing myself.

so. here we are.

because its been so long i guess i’ll just try to highlight some of the major things that happened this fall and then ill go back to over analyzing my current life, as i do haha.  Im not really writing this as if someone other than me is going to read it (i never do, though its cool that people do? it’s also really weird. but in a good way? but here we are.) so this is literally just a recap for when i come back and look at my life as opposed to a witty edited version of events that youd find on normal blogs because i still just treat this as a diary (sorry.)  basically what im saying is this is gonna be dry as fuck. but here we go!

I moved!

I had been living in an old character ridden flat with bright colored walls and beautiful though gappy hardwood floors. it was a huge one bedroom with a sunroom, tons of closet space and some of my bffs lived in the flat upstairs. it also had the worst oven possible for something that was still technically functional, and cost a bazillion dollars a month.  it was in the “artsy” (read: hipsters and poor people) end of town.

So when i went on EI because I went crazy, I got a roommate in order to stay living there. she lived in the sunroom because it was big enough to be a bedroom (mostly). as I think I documented on here over the summer, she turned out to be less than ideal and bailed on me on august 1. since aforementioned apartment cost a billion dollars a month, this was not sustainable on ei. I was freaking out, a lot, about what i was going to do because i was in a lease, and I was broke, and much, much, much stress ensued (as im sure was documented but i didnt go back and look). then gma died and christian happened and blahdy blah so it was a bit of a shit show at the end of august. but anyway, i broke my lease and left at the end of October.

the new place

Because I am very poor and my life was a complete mess at the time, and I have the most excellent of families, my brother offered to let me come live in his house for free. So I ended up moving into a studio apartment in Jeff’s house. It is his house but the place is set up as three apartments, so the top floor is where Brandy’s sister lives, middle floor is where Jeff’s family lives, and live on the lower level. Its a 15 minute walk away from my old place, but in a nicer area. SO basically I have my own apartment in a nicer place for $0 a month at the moment. I am a spoiled bitch, and my stress has been reduced greatly.  also I see my niece and nephew all the time, which is nice.

construction

So if youve been following timelines, which you havent because i was not at all clear, this means I had two months living at my old place for  a bazillion dollars a month by myself. this took all of my ei money for those two months and i could barely afford my pills and food, but thats neither here nor there. anyway, so during these two months my father and i renovated the apartment I now live in, in Jeff’s house. We ripped out the walls between the kitchen and the washroom and rebuilt them in new places, moved the entrance to the washroom, built shelves for the washroom, made inset shelves in the kitchen, bought new kitchen appliances because the ones here didnt actually function, etc. it was actually a super nice father daughter bonding experience overall. plus it gave me a schedule and routine everyday (we literally came and worked here for 6-10 hours a day, every day, for about 6 weeks), which combined with coping better with my gma stuff and getting over christian and knowing i could stop stressing about money in november, drastically improved my mental health. i was a happy as i remember being in years through most of October. and I think my dad respects me more now because even though I am the least handy person on earth, i did show up everyday and i did learn how to like drywall and remove flooring and shit. so it was good times.

I applied to grad school!

As Im sure has come across over the past three years, going to grad school has been a major goal of mine. it has gotten completely fucked up numerous times by my very severe mental illness. whoops.

my therapist is not overly supportive of my going to grad school in general, but although I have carefully considered his opinion on this matter, fuck him. I have made major concessions in this arena to hopefully be able to complete it while also dealing with my severe mental illness, and I think thats a decent compromise for the both of us.  For one, I didn’t try to go ivy league, despite having the marks and the experience to have given me a decent shot (and because this had been my goal since high school).  that sounded pretentious, I accept that, moving on.  second, i decided to only apply to grad schools where I live. which means I only applied to one school, because its the only one with good science based grad programs (luckily, its a pretty good school in its own right). this means i wont leave my support system or my doctors. third, i made sure the program i applied to allowed people to switch to part time status for health reasons if necessary.

So. all that being said, i finally fucking applied to do my Masters in Community Health and Epidemiology. this is a massive jump from my psych background. massive. so there is still a decent chance I wont get in. but ive got the grades and really good recommendation letters, so fingers crossed.  and hey i did jump from fine art to psychology with ease, so maybe itll all work out. ill talk more about this at some point probably.

After applying I was invited to apply for a scholarship, and I also applied for the canadian graduate scholarship, which were both extremely in depth applications that required you basically summarize your proposed research for your masters degree. that was super fucking stressful because unlike other masters degrees where you get a supervisor to get into the program, so you generally have you field of research narrowed down, in this program you get matched up with someone in second year. and again, this field is a massive departure from my previous educational background. so basically i kind of had a meltdown trying to write these wondering if i picked the completely wrong program blahdy blah because i was having trouble fitting what i wanted to do into the application. but in the end i basically proposed that i wanted to look at how socioeconomic status influences hospital admission rates for youth presenting at the er with mental health concerns. so. fingers crossed on those as well.

my other brother, joe, helped me a shit ton with those applications.  obviously, he runs a research lab and teaches at an ivy league university, so hes kinda given me an edge (hopefully). and once again, my family is most excellent.

My meds are fucking working (for the most part)

So i started my current med regime quite awhile ago, but ive finally got proper levels on everything, and everything is working together really well. also, my life situation has calmed the fuck down, and being on medical leave from life for a year has really really helped. basically, this is the most stable my mood has been in probably 15 years. that being said im still going through ups and downs.  probably the hardest thing to explain to people who arent bipolar is that when i say my mood is stable i dont mean that it isnt shifting. i just mean when i feel an emotion if feels… solid? like before it was all a jumbled mess that flew around in every direction and i felt so many millions of things at once it was overwhelming and confusing. even when i felt like i felt nothing. now when im depressed, i feel depressed and awful and thats that. theres no rapid shifting all the time? no mixture of extremely energetic but horribly suicidal, really. i guess part of it is i havent had any mixed episodes since starting, but thats not really what im trying to say.  i dont know, its really fucking difficult to put into words that someone outside myself would understand.  i will work on this in future entries.  but for the  most part no mania, very little hypomania, and still some depression but like… normal depression. well i mean still clinical but i think at the level of the majority of people with major depression, as opposed to kind of tipping the scale at the craziest of crazy, and no psychotic depression episodes.

i believe i am currently a functional managing human. huzzah.

dating

i dated a guy named mark for like two months. super nice guy, timing was bad, basically. and our sexual preferences werent really a match (without spilling my sexual preferences or his on a blog haha). we’re good friends now (guys: i made a friend. that doesnt happen).

other than that, ive been actually meeting people and dating more than i have before. its been kinda good, i think im learning some general dating skills that i severely lack. im very weird about dating and relationships, as eddie frequently points out. i find it very difficult and i generally strongly dislike it. to the point where id almost rather just stay single. but now that im emotionally kind of balanced out, not being alone forever would kind of be a nice thing. so im giving it a shot. ive met some super cool people, but really online dating apps are the fucking worst. ill rant about that later too.

most of my previous dating has been done entirely while, or started while, i was very manic or hypomanic (see: christian) and making choices i probably wouldnt normally make.  sometimes thats a huge glaring problem (see: coke guy) and sometimes its just kind of a push in one direction that will play out how it will. anyway. now whenever i date brandon gets worried im manic, which is fair. but im not.

i also have been trying just to meet people even if i dont want to date them just to meet cool people.  the other day a met a guy on bumble who was just here for the weekend and he ended up checking out of his hotel to come stay here for the night and we stayed up literally all night having life chats and drinking. no hooking up or anything, just… friends. it was nice. im not sure we will ever really speak again, though we did the facebook and phone numbers thing, but i think that was it and im fine with that, and also had a very positive experience. so like, baby steps right?

work (or lack there of)

I am still on ei. it runs out in 2.5 weeks. im freaking out about that now, and getting very stressed, as i’ve only really got enough saved to be able to feed myself and still have a life for about 2, maybe 3 months after my ei runs out. and no one hires in dec/jan. but, on a positive note, im not  paying rent, so i can ease back into the workforce with a part time job of sorts. on the downside, two of the part time jobs ive applied for so far explicitly stated i was “over qualified” for the position in that negative way. also i have no like retail experience or anything that most part time jobs are. so thats going to be tricky. wish me luck.

upcoming

christmas is a couple weeks away. it will be my first without my gma, so itll bring a whole new set of traditions since we always rented a room in her apartment building for christmas day so she could come. her birthday was also in november, so ive spent a lot of time thinking about stuff like that. otherwise, joe and his family arent coming to visit this year,  and my cousins just confirmed they cant make in from quebec, so it will be a very low key christmas. but amy will be down, so that will be good. and my parents are actually buying me gifts this year because im so poor haha so that will be fun too. im trying to come up with something to give jeff and brandy, which ive never done because we dont do gifts ,and it is extremely difficult, but i feel like i should do something nice for them.  unfortunately it cant be food as they are vegetarian, gluten free, sugar free, no garlic no onions blah blah blah and girl just cant do that.

things are very boring right now, without working but with a functioning brain. its kind of bad for the depression, but i mean its not real depression its just boredom and the desolate feeling that comes from doing nothing and not having immediate goals.

its been snowing a lot and really cold, which is making me hide inside too much. going to try to work on that. going to try and work on a lot of things.

anyway, very long story short. things have been good, things will be good. im good. hopefully more in the moment, less long blathering dry entries in the future.

Christian.

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This will probably be the last time i write about Christian, because it was probably the last time we’ll ever speak. so here we go.

three days after the ‘day 1’ entry on here christian and i talked. we got back together. he said he was in love with me. we were together for three days. to my understanding we’d come to an agreement where we werent going to see other people for a few weeks to get solid because lord knows we had been anything but solid. he agreed to delete tinder. things were fine. and then he had a date with another girl three days after we got together that was supposedly ‘no big deal’ because the date had been made friday and we’d gotten back together saturday so it ‘didnt count’. he went on that date knowing i was horribly uncomfortable with it, knowing i said it was probably going to break us up. i dont think he thought i’d really do it.

so he went. and they clicked. and he wanted to see her. and i said i wasnt ready to be in a three way relationship. and he chose her. thats basically the sum of it.

we had this fight while my grandmother was dying. i was really in no place to have been making decisions at all but thats how it happened. maybe things would have been different if the time had been different. but i dont think they would have. in the end we had a huge fight and i deleted him off facebook and that was the end. that part probably would have been different.

i emailed him like 5 days later with an apology for how things ended because i was in a very bad state and things did not need to end as horribly as they did. he didnt respond. 5 or so days after that i messaged him and said when i said we were best friends i meant it and i was willing to have whatever fight we needed to have to get back to being friends, even though our romantic life was absolutely, completely, crushed and dead. he said hed like that. that he wanted to be friends. but he didnt want to have the fight. he just wants to wait till we arent mad anymore. we added each other back to facebook.

im not an idiot. i know he’s never going to speak to me again. i know that was code for ‘im waiting until i dont give a shit about you so ill be completely indifferent to talking to you’

its been… i dont even know how long since. a week or two. id be amazed if he actually speaks to me again. i dont even know if i should want to speak to him again because he basically said your love is worthless to me and he was probably lying about it the whole time, again.  he confuses me so much, still. im heartbroken, still. i dont know if ill ever fully recover from how much that hurt and hit every insecurity i ever had.  but i guess its my fault for giving someone so independent what effectively became an ultimatum.

he used to say id have been better off if id never met him, and if he doesnt come back and we dont become friends again, i think he’s probably right.

i cried the entire time i wrote this.

goodbye, christian.

day 1

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everything with christian was finally going right and good and we worked it out. and then i fucked it all up.

well, not exactly.

but we are taking a break from talking to each other, at my behest, so i can get over him. i never really took the time to do that because i was too busy being mad, or worried, or scared he’d disappear.

i told him last night over skype and he cried. then i cried. and this is going to sound fucked up but him crying his face off made me feel like we’d be ok if i did this now.

so today is the first day we didnt speak. we normally talk about 16 hours a day, pretty well straight, sometimes with a phone call thrown in.

it has been soul crushingly difficult for me.

he emailed me this morning for a clarification on boundaries, because i guess i make those decisions since this entire thing is happening because of me.  i took all day t respond because i had no idea what to say. and that 3 lines of text is all the communication we’ve had. and i want him to email me back so bad i feel sick. this is so hard.

rethinking

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i felt like i should maybe delete that last entry but i dont delete things from this blog. everything has truth in the moment.

im doing better today. no idea why but im not complaining. maybe the med increase is working?

speaking of meds, i still have this stupid rash and i spent the day calling my doctors office only to get a busy signal the entire time. i dont know what to do about that. i did successfully get my ei straightened out though, so thats good.

the things i said about christian last time are still true. i am depending on him too much and i am still having trouble completely letting go of the relationship we sort of had before all of this went down. but not talking to him was a stupid idea. id rather work through it together than apart, and hes been more than willing to try to work through it with me, even if he never talks about it unless i force him to. he really is a good friend, even if its hard for me to just be that.

i dont know what the point of this entry was. i just felt like i needed to say that.

glowstick

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let me start by saying christian is on vacation so i know he wont read this, which means i am just going to be honest for once.

im seriously considering if i should stop talking to him for awhile. just like a month or two. i still want to be friends. but im both depending on him in ways i dont like and am not proud of, and am also continuously breaking my own heart.

i know the transition was easy for him and i know he wants it to be easy for me but its not. i mean, sometimes its fine, just sometimes its really not. and i cant figure out what causes it.

its like for the past couple weeks ive survived by separating current friendship with christian from past christian anything. and by doing that ive effectively separated christian from any of the feelings he caused. but the feelings are still there and im still having to work through them anyway because he effectively caused my worst nightmare and pulled on all the things i fear most about life and myself and threw them at me, even though he didnt mean to. im in a big ol pit of depression and on some level, he caused it. not that its his fault; im fucked up and have all these weird fucked up insecurities he couldnt have known about. but what he did was pretty fucked up too.

my bipolar is all out of whack. im fine and then im suicidal and then im just sobbing for hours. alone.

ive basically had three thoughts playing continuously on repeat:

  1. dont kill yourself
  2. hes married and he doesnt love you anyway
  3. try harder, you’re failing

i told kale i wasnt doing well so hes taking me to the beach today for something distracting. i love him. i have good friends. supposed to see sam on friday too, but she works two jobs and has company literally always so i dont know if that will actually happen. nicole is in the province and should be coming to visit the city soon, which is exciting. i miss nicole a lot.

christian tried to describe the whole he never loved me thing as an equation where half of it is friendship love and half of it is romantic love and he loves me friendshipwise but the rest was just question marks, like he wasnt sure. i dont think its question marks for him. i think he knows he just doesnt love me and is afraid to just tell me that. or at the very least, we’ve made some sort of decision to be bffs, so the rest is getting thrown out. and i wish he’d just tell me that if that was the end of it. i dunno. i just wish he was better at communicating his actual emotions instead of what he thinks is best for me.

i need to get ready to swim now. hopefully this day with kale snaps something in my head, something to go from light from all the dark. like a glowstick, haha.

im trying.

heavy hearted

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ive been having a lot of trouble with the whole unloveable thing lately. like i recognize that im 30 and these deep rooted feelings are supposed to have gone away by now but they havent and they probably wont. and everyone and everything around me is just like… driving that home lately. nats pretty much exclusively talks about her boyfriend or her illness, usually how awesome her boyfriend is about her illness. kale and donna dont seperate anymore, christian is the christian situation, every show and every book have some stupid love plot. my heart just feels heavy about it.

in other things ive somehow failed to talk about, joe and his family were here for the past week. i had a very bipolar week and the visit had some very rough points for me. i stayed at my parents for 5 days, with everyone else. i skipped a lot of activities and cried in the bathroom a lot. christian had to talk me out of being suicidal one morning. but the visit was good overall i think, i dont think they kids noticed anything was wrong and i played with them enough that i think they have positive memories of me.

the best part of the visit was sibling lunch, which turned into sibling dinner because amy had plans at lunch. every time we are all together the 4 of us go to lunch without any kids or spouses and its nice. this time was better than in florida because i think its pretty obvious im not doing great and this time we didnt all just ignore it and talk about everything as if it were fine. which is progress for me. i did cry at a restaurant though, which isnt awesome. but jeff did offer to let me move into his basement apartment if i really cant pay rent, which is nice of him. and also relieves some stress because i really didnt feel ok moving into my parents house given the situation with my grandmother. theyve got enough burdens, if you know what i mean? not that i dont love my gma. but shes lost her memory entirely (she already forgets joe visited), and she cant go to the washroom by herself so shes not… without burden to my mom. i feel mean saying that.

im not doing so great, overall. i cant tell if its the stress or if im just in a down period or what. ever since that suicidal leg cutting night things havent really recovered. i can mostly hold a conversation fine and i dont think its incredibly noticeable that things arent great though, so thats an improvement. i have trouble at night, and during the day when i have too much time to think. so basically whenever there isnt something actively distracting me like people or grocery shopping or something. sometimes i spiral but mostly i just cry a lot. my heart is heavy, i guess. all of me is heavy. my weight is bothering me more than usual.

i talk to christian about 16 hours a day, off and on. so thats a pretty decent distraction and most of the time it helps keep some of the crying spells at bay. he’s going on vacation next week and i want to be happy for him, or i am happy for him, but im worried how im going to fill all that time with something so i dont spiral out of control. like… i dont know how to talk about it. because christian is great and we are friends and we talk because we are friends. but talking is also distracting and distracting keeps me from sobbing which keeps me from thinking which keeps me from wanting to die. does that make sense? probably not. i think really i just need to a) make more friends and b) get to a place where i dont need constant distraction to not become suicidal. but here we are. im expecting the next 7 days are going to be rough.

maybe more than 7 days.

i have a rash on the inside of one of my arms that i assumed was razor burn but appears to be getting worse not better and it scares me because rashes are a really serious side effect of one of my medications. apparently they can be a symptom of stephen johnsons syndrome or whatever the fuck, which is bad and involves skin “sloughing” off your body.  my mother had it and was in the hospital for weeks. so i need to get that checked out soon. but im afraid because the medicine is working a lot better than any medication ive been on before and i dont want to have to stop taking it.

worry, stress, depress.