prattle & self loathing

Standard

SO.

that last post was fucking depressing and weird, amiright?

i wrote it and it was genuine and i wrote it and i felt more like myself, somehow.  i think that ‘somehow’ was because it was guilt ridden and full of mostly unreasonable self loathing, which are two of my defining features (heh). but then it sat there for a day and it just started making me feel weird and uncomfortable. though when i actually read it i feel like theres a lot of good in the post, the drive behind writing it was basically that i felt guilty for not being sick, or not properly representing being sick. or some weird fucked up version of that. and i dont feel good about that.

so to be clear: i dont ALWAYS feel bad about doing well. it was a weird combination of holidays, and bad bad bad holiday blog posts by other people talking about how awful happy people are, and my new bambi-learning-to-walk like relationship with a steady emotional life. but i wrote it and part of me meant it, so there it stays.

MOVING ON.

i went to trivia tuesday night with jon and his girlfriend and a friend of hers, as is our tradition. we went weekly when he lived here so we try to go every time hes home, but its not really the same since all of the other team members also moved away.

we did not win, at all, but we did respectably well for four people. also i knew like every song played and  bunch of misc shit so thats always satisfying. then we went to a dessert bar and had an awkward conversation about dating where i learned jons girlfriend has only ever slept with him and no one else and i said nothing but was mentally like WELL YOU NEED TO FIX THAT BEFORE YOU MAKE A LIFELONG COMMITMENT OR IT WILL END BADLY. which is like, a completely unreasonable response to that information. probably. i still definitely think that though.

im going to the mall with brandon tomorrow. ive got to get up at like 930 to meet him at 11. which is like, ungodly early for me. thats basically like telling a normal person they need to get up at 230am and be a functional human. and then ive got to go back out to my parents for the day because my sister is back from visiting people in the valley and its probably? the last night i will see her before she leaves, because im going to a drunken nye party and she is going to play board games with elli.

im slightly stressed because its fancy nye party, where youre supposed to dress up and look nice, because im way too broke to buy a dress and im not sure i actually own a fancy dress that fits me since i gained weight. or more like, failed to lose weight. my old meds made me gain a bunch of weight that i just… never got rid of, so now my entire wardrobe is like a size or so too small, and has been for like a year, but i cant afford new clothes so im just like.. wearing old shit from when i was this size like 5 years ago and things that are stretchy. im like.. not super happy about this situation, but im also not doing anything about it? so i guess im not that unhappy with it?  or at least, not unhappy in any sort of productive fashion.

i never actually mentioned this on here because i wasnt blogging at the time, but i went to florida last february with my family on this disney vacation (wealthy brother paid for it). i came back from that SUPER self conscious and hating my body and i cried every time i had to get on a plane (which was like 6 times in total) because i felt too big for everything. like i spent the first night of the vacation sobbing in my bed, which also broke (not my fault at all but daaaamn did it feel like it), because being on the airplane made me so uncomfortable and awful in a way i couldnt push to the side or ignore. the airplane seats were crammed and awful. the whole vacation was amazing, but was also plagued by my overarching fear of being too fat. i was too afraid to try half the rides because i was afraid i couldnt fit. and it was just like… very very very stressful and awful feeling. which i know no one has any sympathy for because im fat, and thats my fault, and whatever. but it was really awful.

i went on a pretty hardcore calorie counting binge for like 3 or so months after that but i was barely eating (1200 calorie deficit. weighed everything i ate, tracked it in MFP, my dietician sister in law made me meal plans like… it was legit) and i lost like 7 pounds or something, in three months. which seems impossible, but losing weight on my med regime is apparently an extremely uphill battle. plus the pcos. even my sister in law was baffled.

and then i started throwing up all the time. like id just get super nauseated and then start gagging and then throw up… kind of like my now preggo sister in law, only i wasnt pregnant. though it did make me worry i was. but anyway i was barely eating and also throwing up everything i was eating and it became a detriment to my health more than improving it because, as my therapist always says, its amazing someone with my particular personality traits hasnt developed an eating disorder. and then after that i tried going back on a very extreme elimination diet that i was on when they were diagnosing my food problems, and i did that for a little over a month, but that just made me throw up even more, inexplicably, and i was super depressed at the time.. so that ended in october. and since then ive just been “not thinking” about it. and honestly that would be a little liberating if i didnt feel like a substandard human because of my weight. and also if i didnt feel like i had to choose between actually having a real relationship and being fat (not that i want to chose being fat, but i seem to be choosing it anyway, now dont i?).

but, uh, anyway, that was a very tangental way of saying i dont have anything to wear for new years and its spiking my self loathing.

god dammit.

i had this plan to write something banally happy today. like i half wrote a blog post in my head about cooking while i was making quinoa cakes earlier. if nothing else i could have just causally mentioned that i had vertigo for 24 hours, inexplicably, and told the story of me falling sideways into my bathtub (hilarious in retrospect, painful and confusing in the moment. also, wet.).

tomorrow.

tomorrow i will say something fun.

but right now i already wrote this and im sleepy and apparently need to wake up at the equivalent of 230 because “friendship” or something.

things are still good! despite evidence to the contrary.

Advertisements

in which i overanalyze banal interactions

Standard

its christmas eve!

… yeah thats all i got on that topic. im at my parents house with my sister and her husband and soon to be her husbands mother. its gonna be awkward. i actually actively dislike being around her (as does sean. and hes vocal about it. so thats odd and awkward in its own right) but i feel bad about it because like.. shes nice enough. she just does. not. stop. talking. and its never about anything the person she is talking to would be interested in, its like about a bird in her backyard she saw once. for like two hours. without acknowledging you have responded. she also just sits in one chair without moving (and while still talking) and doesnt actually participate in anything, so we end up just doing things in front of her? which makes me feel super awkward. she doesnt seem to mind though so i suppose i should not associate the fact that it makes me awkward with anything to do with her, really.

BUT. its christmas, and no one should be stuck alone in a house with no family on christmas. so here we are.

my mother made butterscotch chip and jubejube (how is that actually spelled? anyone?) cookies and they are life right now.

and now for something completely off topic.

remember how i said i was trying to date? and also that i was fucking terrible at it?

im getting annoyed. with myself. (and also with everyone who thinks i want to see their penis as an introduction. but thats another story.)

so, story time. this is mostly just an example of why i suck.

i met a guy named jarrad on one of those dating apps, and we spent like 8 hours or so talking the first night and it went well, i think. i know. he hits on me a lot. he was actually pretty cool, which is incredibly rare on dating apps, for those of you happily married people out there. we swapped phone numbers because the app was being a jackass, but then he doesnt text me back (despite literally just giving me his number). assume he passed out because its like 4 am. nbd.

get drunk next night, send him a random hey! text on the app as to not be weird since he never responded to the text. does not respond.

assume it was a one night thing and write it off. lets not be desperate here.

7 days pass. randomly messages me, at which point he apologizes because he was ‘at sea’. he isnt in the navy so i did not realize his job actually made him go to sea, so thats cool. nbd. happy to talk to him. talk for another 8 or so hours, but still on the stupid app that barely works. passing suggestion of getting together over the holidays. he passes out mid convo again, because i am basically a vampire and  hide from the sun and he is a normal person with a job. messages me in the morning apologizing for passing out. couple hours later i send a text making fun of myself for sleeping at stupid times, or something. no response. assume he is at work, wasnt really expecting one. message him later that night, no response.

4 days pass. assume hes not really that interested. like how ill message people after a week or two just because i cant sleep (im a bad person).

messages me out of the blue. was sent out on a ship for a couple days again. cool, nbd, i still like talking to him. get into a convo for a couple hours, at which point he says he “doesnt feel like im into him like hes into me”. because he hits on me a lot, but like also never talks to me two days in a row, ever, and im me so i have defence mechanisms and dislike being vulnerable so i probably havent been giving off ‘i wanna fuck you’ vibes. so we talk about that for a minute, and cover the whole i am totally interested, just youve been throwing me off with the random communication schedules. (to be clear: we have both already communicated we arent going for casual sex. if it was casual sex, this would be a different story). he apologizes, which wasnt really what i was going for, he doesnt know me and doesnt owe me an explanation, i was just being honest. anyway. he wants me to open up more, or whatever, this eventually leads to talking about sex as it literally always does, only it was a little.. odd. but not bad, just odd. he passes out in the middle of that convo too, which was awkward and has never happened to me before. but meh, whatever. he was pretty clear about the liking me and the wanting to get together next week. send him a “well that didnt go as expected lol” text and call it a night.

no response the next day, meh whatever. send him a text that night that just said ‘hi?’. he doesnt respond. next day (today). send him a text that says ‘so, just so we are clear, this is why i didnt think you were interested lol but have a good christmas’. no response.

end scene.

so heres the ways in which i suck:

  1. i should not have sent that last text, probs.
  2. feel like i freaked him out in the sex convo.
  3. he legit could not tell that i liked him.
  4. i care that he hasnt responded. even though its a dating app, and theres literally no grounds for me to care at this point.
  5. this interaction makes me sad inside every time he disappears and i think hes over it. i dont know why, i literally talk to like 10 different people a day and dont really like any of them.
  6. i have no idea if he likes me or not. none at all. even though we’ve had conversations about it.

so. yeah. im talking to a few other people who are decent though so theres still hope. not a lot of hope, but hope.

im terrible.

daily

Standard

while on this whole “trying to write” thing, i decided i should also try to occasionally write things not at 2am. the most frequent time my site is visited is at 2am. i feel this says something about me.

in other news, brandon bailed on our plans tonight, as he does, so a) booooo and b) we’ve made plans to wander around the mall and lament that we do not own things (we own so many things) on december 30th while we are both too poor to actually purchase anything because he needs to take his laptop to the mac store. ill probably wear boots with heels and whine about it a lot and he’ll forget his earmuffs and whine about it a lot and we will both hate the outdoors, because winter, and i will probably end up drinking starbucks because for some reason my phone company likes to give out gift certificates to starbucks? i think that about sums us up. itll be great!

speaking of great, jon got here safe and sound last night and is showing up sometime “around 9” which in jon speak probably means 10 and we are going to do a bunch of nothing but i put beer in the fridge. thats pretty close to being a good host, right? i dont know if hes crashing or not. could be weird cuz i live in a studio apartment now so he could sleep on one of my couches but hed have to listen to me mumble in my sleep. and also id have to go to sleep at a normal person time, which would be good for me, but my body probably will not cooperate.

i stand corrected, he will be here in half an hour, supposedly, so thats only like 920. that would be impressively on time.

i went shopping for my sisters christmas gifts with my mom today; we were only mildly successful. i know i said my family doesnt do gifts, because we dont, but my parents paid to renovate this apartment for me/jeff, and then spent a few thousand dollars on kids toys for my both my brothers’ children, so they feel like they should buy amy things too. which is fair. and also generous.

i managed to get lucy her christmas gift (her birthday is also christmas eve, so we gave her gifts for that last weekend, but my parents paid for the gift i gave her because  i cant afford to buy non basics anymore, really, but i still sort of am… its a bit weird, financially, right now… anyway) i bought her a book called susie the sapphire fairy, which seems up her alley, and it was on sale for $10, aka my price range. and she likes being read to. i am lucky that my niece and nephew arent brats about gifts/how nice things are/how expensive things are (my other nieces and nephews, bless them, are very rich and a little…erm, picky?). like they pretty much like everything in their stocking from the dollarstore as much as anything else, so it makes me feel better about being broke, since i think they will still like the stuff. i bought wes a set of wooden dominos because hes super tactile and likes building things and also knocking them over so i figure, what better sums up that combination? and i also got them the game operation (to share) because it is great (and cheap) and i need more things to do with them while theyre down here. especially because theyre getting pulled out of their after school program in january, and brandy is pregnant so shes going to need a lot of help with them. and we can only play “hide and find the nickels” and “daytime/night time” (legit just turning off the lights and pretending to be asleep) so many times.

i know its weird im buying them gifts even though i literally have zero income in two weeks, but i figure their parents give me a place to live for free, and we do genuinely need something to do when i babysit, and i do love them and such. so im writing it off as a justifiable expense.

anyway, i was going to ramble more but jon is almost here and if i wait to finish this up and or edit it so it was less babbley id be posting this a 2 am again.

 

“writing” something

Standard

i have a friend named eddie. i talk about him randomly. he writes a blog, like a real blog, like a real writer who thinks about what hes going to say and presents things with emotion and makes you feel stuff intentionally. i should be more like eddie. but im not. and im probably never going to be. but for me the purpose of writing was never to be a writer, or to express things to other people or make them feel things. its always just been about getting something off my chest, which is why ive always called this a journal not a blog. i think sometimes my honesty resonates with people, mostly when im honestly crazy, and mostly with other crazy people, but i think i like that. i think thats ok with me.

so really, there are two types of good bloggers: ones who have something to say, and ones who say something often.

sometimes i have a lot to say. you can read all about those times here, even though most of what i had to say was just something that needed to be said but not necessarily read. but the thing is a lot of times i dont. im so used to living in a world of extremes, of bipolar messes, that when something isnt pushing the limits of my emotional capabilities i usually keep my mouth shut. because the quiet is nice. the calm is nice. the calm is something i never experienced much of for years… decades actually, but especially since my breakdown in 2013. so when it comes i back away and i live life like a person. and i forget about writing, and it falls out of my routine.

the thing is, these windows used to be so small. days or sometimes weeks. they were blips in an otherwise chaotic time. and look, if this were to be considered a blog, its a blog with a theme. its a blog about mental illness and its a blog about what its like when shit actually hits the fan. i kind of veered from that over the summer, because i was doing something weird and somewhat regrettable that i needed to work through and i do that here, but i think the driving force of my writing has always been incapacitating emotions.

the thing is, im not really having those right now. or for months now.

and thats weird.

and i dont really know how to make sense of things now, or really know what to talk about because things arent forcefully spewing their way out of me like they always have.

part of me doesnt want to write here now because i like that this is a mental illness blog. i like that this is my place to be unabashedly ill. but i also feel like this is as much of my journey as a mentally ill person as anything else has been. and i know i have a chronic illness and i know the bad parts are going to come back, sometime, so wouldnt it be good to also have something to look back on to prove it wasnt always like that? and if people are going to read this, which they do since i made it public (though admittedly, fewer than read it when i was full blown crazy and writing regularly), dont i kind of also have the responsibility of representing mental illness not just as the harrowing struggles, but also as a full person with other characteristics besides the fact im sometimes suicidal and occasionally very energetically make poor life choices?

thats all little pretentious and over thought, which frankly, i sort of am as a person. to be honest.

but the point is, i could still be someone who says something often.

im going to try to write here even though im relatively healthy and good. i cant promise it will be anything interesting or even really worth reading, and i cant promise it wont still be emotional rehashing about nothing since well, its christmas and my grandmothers dead and really thats going to come out eventually isnt it? lets just accept that now.

i wrote this in two sittings because my niece and nephew came down to play and color, and then my brother came down for a minute, and then i decided to do ALL THE THINGS! (shower! wash hair! do dishes! do laundry! hang up laundry! bake cookies! take out trash! scrub kitchen floors! clean up markers kids left all over floor! fold laundry! so much laundry!) which basically means this has been a relatively productive day for me, by recent standards. recent standards being watching tv in bed all day and drinking too much diet pop as a norm. i mean, i didnt say the bar was high here, folks.

jon gets home tomorrow and is here till after new years, which is exciting. and also my family really has nothing going on over the holidays so hopefully ill actually get to see him a fair bit… though i suppose he has one of those “social life” things ive been hearing about so perhaps we shall see. going christmas shopping with my mother tomorrow for the kids, mostly to help not to actually purchase things because i am poor. so poor. brandons coming over tomorrow night before he heads to cape breton on thursday, because we are still basically family and therefore he must see me before he abandons me for his admittedly delightful mother.

anyway, now that ive been productive all day i clearly need to go watch copious amounts of television to balance it out.

remember when productive meant i like wrote a thesis and worked full time?

yeah.

life is still a bit of a work in progress.

glowstick

Standard

let me start by saying christian is on vacation so i know he wont read this, which means i am just going to be honest for once.

im seriously considering if i should stop talking to him for awhile. just like a month or two. i still want to be friends. but im both depending on him in ways i dont like and am not proud of, and am also continuously breaking my own heart.

i know the transition was easy for him and i know he wants it to be easy for me but its not. i mean, sometimes its fine, just sometimes its really not. and i cant figure out what causes it.

its like for the past couple weeks ive survived by separating current friendship with christian from past christian anything. and by doing that ive effectively separated christian from any of the feelings he caused. but the feelings are still there and im still having to work through them anyway because he effectively caused my worst nightmare and pulled on all the things i fear most about life and myself and threw them at me, even though he didnt mean to. im in a big ol pit of depression and on some level, he caused it. not that its his fault; im fucked up and have all these weird fucked up insecurities he couldnt have known about. but what he did was pretty fucked up too.

my bipolar is all out of whack. im fine and then im suicidal and then im just sobbing for hours. alone.

ive basically had three thoughts playing continuously on repeat:

  1. dont kill yourself
  2. hes married and he doesnt love you anyway
  3. try harder, you’re failing

i told kale i wasnt doing well so hes taking me to the beach today for something distracting. i love him. i have good friends. supposed to see sam on friday too, but she works two jobs and has company literally always so i dont know if that will actually happen. nicole is in the province and should be coming to visit the city soon, which is exciting. i miss nicole a lot.

christian tried to describe the whole he never loved me thing as an equation where half of it is friendship love and half of it is romantic love and he loves me friendshipwise but the rest was just question marks, like he wasnt sure. i dont think its question marks for him. i think he knows he just doesnt love me and is afraid to just tell me that. or at the very least, we’ve made some sort of decision to be bffs, so the rest is getting thrown out. and i wish he’d just tell me that if that was the end of it. i dunno. i just wish he was better at communicating his actual emotions instead of what he thinks is best for me.

i need to get ready to swim now. hopefully this day with kale snaps something in my head, something to go from light from all the dark. like a glowstick, haha.

im trying.

Standard

im home and i should be out.

its jons last night here and hes spending the night, he says. then he forgot he had beer planned with friends at 9 30 so i was supposed to go to that. and i tried. i walked to the bar but they were charging cover and i didnt have cash and jon didnt answer his phone so i walked home. jon texted he would spot me but im already here and he hasnt responded to any of my texts since, so. im here. i put on my pajamas i go back and forth between sobbing and writing. im not even sure what im sobbing about… that hes leaving in general, that i didnt go to the bar, that this is what my last night with my best friend turned into i dont know. honestly im exhausted and i just want to go to bed but i cant because im not sure when he’ll get here.

i dont know what to do, internet. someone tell me what to do.

new shiny wife

Standard

I’ve been gone. I could ramble about that but theres no reason for it, so I’m just going to skip over it and act like it never happened.

Jon moves tomorrow. his last day of work was friday. i feel sick about it. I keep having dreams where the world is ending (literally) and for some reason I’m at work and like trying to save it. its not a very well masked dream. or nightmare, i guess. im sad. im so so sad. and terrified. we are completely flying blind without a full time ED.

speaking of which.
i was offered the ED position; almost took it. ultimately, through many weeks of extreme distress, turned it down. my therapist thinks its a good thing. i do too, but it enrages me e that it is a good thing. im so tired of being sick. im so tired of not being normal. im so tired of not being able to take a giant promotion because im me.

in other news, i moved. on april 1st. i stopped living with brandon. or anyone, actually. i live y myself in a too expensive apartment in the north end under donna and kale. i really, really like it. we go to value village and the far away cheap grocery store every week. we alternate who has who over for dinner. we joke that i am kales second wife. im shiny and new so he listens to me. but i have my space and no one is in it and sometimes thats really nice.

but jon is leaving. and i dont do well with change. and this might not go well alone. so maybe we will see.

my parents are in china. they cant communicate because China sensors all things google, but i think they are having a good time. who wouldnt, really? my dad is going to some clinical trial in arizona after they get home. he seems to be feeling fine. thats all you can ask for, really.

i’d planned to actually write something but kale and i need to leave in 20 minutes and im in my pjs with bedhead, so i suppose ill go deal with that. im sure ill be back to cry and mope on monday. bipolar me doesnt handle losing support systems well.

coma

Standard

soooo i feel like i should write something, but im not entirely sure what.

i had a manic spell. well, am having, maybe. my shrink gave me these like horse tranqs of sleep meds that i’ve been taking since thursday. they make me sleep about 20 hours per pill and i have to take a pill a day. so, basically what i am saying is they are the very definition of wasting your life.

i tried not taking them yesterday but then i was manic this morning (/all night). and brandon made me take more. he also texted jon that i was “calling in crazy” for the day and that he should tell me not to come into work.
which i still find sort of funny.

i wrote that last night. the situation remains relatively unchanged, however. I did manage to get up at 2pm today though, which is a solid 8 hours earlier than usual. got mah eyebrows did. went to the community garden and watered the plot and picked some lettuce and cukes and herbs for a salad tonight and tabouleh if i ever go to the store to get tomatoes. going to trivia with jon tonight. sometimes i just want to curl my entire being into jon in the most platonic way possible. i cant explain it. i think its just the completely lack of filter. he knows everything about me for far too many angles. hes a safe space for my brain. no matter what it spits out or is doing i just dont have to worry about it, and i dont have to be alone.

though he is my boss. which should feel more complicated than it does. then again, we havent had performance review week yet. ha.

amber moved to cape breton this week. has a sad.
i need to get my license. and maybe a car. or a car share. probably a car share.

its sunny. gloriously sunny.