I found out like a 2 weeks ago, while I was in Philly. I told my parents, without too much bluster, and they told Joes family, and we celebrated, kinda, a little, while we were there (there were lots of things happening, Joe got tenure! its easter! its my birthday! im having a mental breakdown!).. so it was a bit of a weird reception…. and then… then I didn’t tell anyone. At all. And theres quite a bit of story to tell in that. But for once, I’m just going to keep that seperate.
This is my thing. This is THE thing I have been trying to do for years. And I got in. I got in with a scholarship that completely covers my tuition.
I just want that to breathe. I want that to be the part of this I go back and read about in the future.
And I know that getting in and going to school does not mean that I will finish it, or that I will do well. Hell, it doesn’t even mean I will successfully complete the stats refresher course I have to take before starting the program. And I know my therapist thinks this is a horrible idea, and I know he might be right. I know these past 2 years have basically been an example of exactly how I am not invincible to the socioeconomic effects of mental illness, and that it is not unlikely that I will spend large amounts of my future in some combination of unable to work, living in poverty, working sporadically, and maybe just feeling accomplished to hold a job of any kind. and I get that. But I’ve also decided I can’t just let that truth dictate my goals. There is a solid argument that I shouldn’t do this, one my therapist has made many times, one that mostly surrounds failing and making myself sicker. But the financial impacts of trying are pretty small – thanks to scholarships – and I think the benefit of trying will outweigh the prospect of failing. I would forever regret not trying.
So this is it. This moment is a culmination of every fibre of perseverance, strength and that nagging sense of hope in my soul.
I know I said I’d write more but my life is legitimately boring. I babysit the kids sometimes, i cook dinner for my family once a week. my anti depressants got raised slightly. my sleep is back on track. like, legit theres nothing personal to talk about really, other than the fact that brandon has somehow convinced me to play dungeons and dragons despite my staunch hate of all things fantasy or dragon related. in related news, i made the most amazing gnome character possible. he used to be ceramic and he dresses like a hipster. only with armour.
the obvious shit to talk about is political, and honestly, for some reason i dont usually do that here. im very political in real life. im a member of a federal and a provincial political party. i worked as a political lobbyist. i subscribe to the Washington posts weekly political recaps incase i missed things. i read actual newspapers (online). i read political subreddits to see what other people think. and i laugh at political memes on twitter, like everyone else. Also, like the VAST majority of Canadians (as can be demonstrated through the current leadership race for the federal conservative party), I fucking hate Trump.
So, really, I have lots of commentary (the globe gag rule being reinstated? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?). but honestly, Im so tired of reading about everyone bitching about trump all the time. like, he deserves it, and i read a lot of it, but i dont really want to come to wordpress to read uninformed opinions about a political leader. especially not from (albeit, a better informed than ordinary) canadian citizen who lives in canada.
but, legitimately, politics are a large part of my day right now. so my very canadian commentary is:
Trudeau’s vacation. Can we please stop fucking talking about it? literally the only people that care that Trudeau took a private plane to the Aga Khan’s private island on his vacation are the media. NO ONE CARES. His family paid their own way, it was not Canadian tax dollars, the guy legitimate deserves a vacation, he has known the Aga Khan his entire life. NO ONE CARES.
Kevin O’Leary joined the race for the Conservative Party. He doesnt even speak fucking french. I mean, I dont either, but Im not trying to be the leader of a bilingual country. This is what happens when americans elect a reality tv star: suddenly they all think they can do it. And he’s right up there with Leitch for worst possible choice to lead a political party. I’d say I hope they pick one of them cuz theyd stay out of office but then Americans let Trump happen so lets not test it.
Women’s march. very uplifting. interested to see if we can make an actual movement out of this from here. also some really interesting intersectional feminist reads out there right now which have been broadening my admittedly white centric feminist views (which, honestly, i knew were white centric but i didnt realize HOW white centric). i appreciate that learning experience.
Richard Spencer got punched in the face at an anti facist rally. honestly, it is partly his own fault for being the most known facist and showing up at an anti facist rally, even if it was unintentional. but, seriously guys, i know they guy is a nazi but punching him in the face and running away is not helping anyones cause here. and then the washington post comes out with “is it ok to punch a nazi?” articles. which seems… absurd. this is the new normal, i guess? like is that a question we need to seriously debate for future reference? is this coming?
Trump pulled out of the TPP and that may actually be a good thing. this is causing cognitive dissonance.
And in conclusion: thank fucking god I’m Canadian. im going to play games on my phone and attempt to forget the US exists.