mental illness, society, guilt & holidays

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so i have a strange feeling. its going to take awhile to get to, but hear me out.

i am a mentally ill person. i read a lot of mental illness blogs. i have a lot of mentally ill friends. i have even more mentally ill advocate “friends” on facebook.

and i recognize that this is a shitty shitty time of year for the vast majority of them. i wish there was something to be done about that, but for the most part there isnt. i cant replace family, or be the accepting parent, or give them a day off from the blinding depression so they dont feel guilty about not feeling happy, or whatever, that is the cause of the shitty shitty feelings. society has built this time of year into something it isnt: joyous, perfect, shiny and bright, filled with only happiness and love. and thats shitty, for everyone. because you always feel like you arent living up to a standard that doesnt exist. and it makes your strained relationships with people feel soul crushing and awkward, it makes your depression stand out that much more by comparison, it causes you to evaluate your situation not just against everyones perfect instagramed selves but also against like every possible media posting, church preaching and news outlet depiction. and theres no life, no matter how seemingly perfect, that lives up to that standard. and the more you feel like you have to, the further away from it you get. its fucked up and it fucks things up.

for years growing up i kind of hated christmas. i mean, i was still a kid who got gifts, because i come from a privileged background of sorts, so i cant say it was entirely bad or that i hated every part of it. but my memories are EXTREME STRESS FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. i remember bawling, multiple times a day, every christmas, for multiple reasons: for years before some very intensive therapy i really resented my family and a lot of my childhood and especially my brother, and my parents for not saving me. i felt robbed of something, like there was a harsh disconnect between me and them despite all this togetherness and seemingly tv family activity. and i felt guilty. when i was little i felt left out by my family and siblings because they were all older and never wanted me around while they did teenage to adult age things so i was alone when i felt like i was supposed to be taking part. and i felt lonely and like i was doing something wrong. there were crowds and crowds of people that i didnt really know and or there were so many people i couldnt breathe, or move, and id have huge panic attacks locked in a washroom somewhere. my family also has a very strange insular dynamic where for the entire week between christmas and new years, and even a few days before christmas, we were expected to be with family, and only family, and not have outside lives so it was this constant constricting force (this is still true when any family member visits). then there were other factors, like my father having an extremely high stress level and very short fuse when he was working at his high level job, that made him angry and awful a lot and christmas added to that stress level to the point where hed be flipping out all the time and he just hated it. he hated it a lot and you could tell; and he made you hate it a little too, because you felt like the cause of his anger. and then my brother didnt live in the country anymore, so it simultaneously became an even more hyped up occasion if he was coming home and also this awkward, disappointing, land of confusion and abandonment the years he didnt. and then we were all awkward ages and three of us kids were dealing with mental health issues of varying severity, and my mother’s severe social anxiety would go into overdrive and her bordering on eating disorder tendencies would come out, and my dad and whatever shit he was going through that never came up. and then there were those years were my brother had a severe eating disorder no one talked about, which made christmas especially difficult for him, and by extension, my sister and i, as we would look at my parents to fix it, to do something, and they didnt. and we didnt.

and theres a lot of things i could say or delve into that would better explain how christmas can be sort of horrible, and how it was sort of horrible. and i think that almost everyone has those stories, for whatever reason.

but this year, i dont have those feelings. and i feel really, really guilty about it, somehow, when i read all these blogs and facebook posts and talk to my friends who i know are in the middle of all this shit.

because christmas is shit. if we are honest, the average experience of christmas is stress, obligation, dread and anxiety. and i feel like im now somehow perpetuating the joyful stereotype of the day, because my life this year has been very… on point for societal views of the season. and i feel like im betraying my people.

i feel like that a lot when i talk about good things as wholly good. and thats really kind of a strange fucked up thing. like i feel guilty when my mental illness isnt at the forefront ruining everything for me because i know it is for so many people and i dont want to be that thing. and everyone with a mental illness knows what that thing is. the thing people without a mental illness (or sometimes we as people with mental illnesses) point to, sometimes meaning it in a positive ‘you can do it too!’ manner, sometimes meaning it as a ‘she can do it, you fucking loser’ manner, as a person who has suffered through your thing and is not “ruining” or causing “discomfort” or being “abnormal” or otherwise breaking social norms by being themfuckingselves. because we, as mentally ill people, cause discomfort. it is somehow our job to reduce ourselves, to placate other people, with our pretending. with our moulding to societal expectations. being unabashedly mentally ill is a political act. and thats fucking so hard to explain. that being mentally ill is a thing, its ok, to be yourself. to feel your feelings, to have your symptoms. to not be okay. and we dont need all these things glowing and pointing all around us to remind us that we arent being enough by being ourselves. be yourself. your whole fucking messy, uncomfortable, societal ideal failing self.

so i dont know what to do. and maybe this is part of why ive never written much when ive been doing well. i feel guilty for being that thing, sometimes.

part of it comes from all the public speaking i used to do. being mentally ill in a spotlight is very strange, because you’re only really in the spotlight for that stuff when youre doing well. so then no matter what you are saying, youre sort of normalizing mental illness as something removed from the symptoms. because people arent seeing symptoms, they are hearing that they happened and then starring at this person they dont equate with those things, because they are functional seemingly normal people, and thinking “wow, shes come a long way” or “im so glad thats over for her” (both of those things have been said directly to me after more generalized mental illness speeches) and they treat you like youve magically become better. like you have a secret and like other mentally ill people could find it if they too tried as hard as you did.

this is partially because some people go through one serious bout of depression, usually brought on by a very specific set of circumstances, from which they are able, through the help of temporary medication and some serious help, to get out of, and they do overcome that depression and they dont fall back into it. and then these people talking about being mentally ill. and maybe this is a jackass thing to say, but they arent. they are people who have suffered from depression, but they are not chronically mentally ill. and somehow, people think this is the norm for mental illness. it is not.

so. im sorry if you are going through shit. i am sorry if i am presenting a view of life right now like its gotten better! ta da! im sorry if this has been a thing for you to compare things to, that makes you feel worse. and im sorry that i feel sorry for not being sick enough. that is a weird, unhelpful feeling to put out into the mentally ill universe.

so let me say this, to ease my conscious, to normalize, to give perspective, or context, or whatever it is, to my last few posts.

-ive have had an extremely relaxed, low key, family oriented christmas. i am happy. it has been joyous and full of love and happy things. i didnt feel stressed, or cry, or feel crushed by the weight of something that wasnt there. i do miss my grandma, but it is ok. i feel ok. there was a noticeable lack of stress. it has been exceptional. i am very lucky. this is true.

-my family, every single member except my oldest brother, have gone through therapy. my sister and i have gone through a lot of therapy, myself going on 8 years with the same psychologist, and several misc attempts before that. we did family therapy. my brother did ocd specific therapy. we have recognized that there is a problem (or many, layered interacting problems) and worked on ourselves and also our family dynamic, from many different angles, for a decade and a half. we are a family that puts family above everything else, for whatever reason, and we have worked through some pretty serious trauma and family shit to get to where we are at. many people have said i have a “tv family” in recent years, and there is some truth to that, now, but i cant underscore enough that this was not always the case.

-i am still very conscious of my mental illness. it is a fibre of my being. it dictates many of my life choices, even when im well. i  plan around it like it is a child that i must take care of. when im sick its an infant and when im well its a grown up that you never stopped worrying about. it is always present to some degree. it will come back full force, sometime. i am not fixed.

-my family does not completely do stereotypical christmas. particularly around gift giving. my father strongly believes that we should help each other when we need help, year round, not on a misc day of the year where we buy each other shit because we are obligated to do so. he also hates shopping, malls, and generally the public in the month of december. so he has opted out. my parents dont exchange gifts. my siblings and i dont exchange gifts. occasionally my brother will send something up if he finds something he thinks one of us would really enjoy, because we dont see each other, and he is very wealthy. my sister loves the idea of giving people things at christmas, so sometimes she will give things, usually to me or my parents, and usually not expensive but very thoughtful (see: the christmas miracle tape). she also makes food based christmas stockings for everyone with my parents money. i usually help her. if we all happen to have spare cash and my parents actually need something, we will buy it for them, because they do a lot for us and are not at a point in their lives where they need much from us during the year (this year my brothers were the only ones with money, and they bought my parents a set of glasses because they needed them. in previous years we all had a lot of money and bought them a washing machine when theres broke a week before christmas. most years they get nothing.). my mom usually buys my sister and i a few items because she knows we are struggling financially and she wants us to have something to enjoy. but basically there is absolutely no pressure to get anyone anything, to spend money we dont have, or to brave overcrowded shopping malls. we feel zero guilt about this. moreover, the members of my family with children can afford gifts for their children. this combination is a luxury few people have.

at the end of the day, my point is writing about feeling normal is hard for me, for strange reasons. and i feel guilty sometimes when things work out for me, and i dont know why. its almost the same feeling i had when i was very depressed and someone i knew got cancer, and all i could think was ‘why couldnt i take the burden instead?’. i just. i feel like an outsider sometimes. like im looking in on the lives of people and i know what they are going through and i feel helpless. probably like my parents feel about me.

why am i the one that gets the good period?

fucked up question right?

maybe only other seriously suicidal people will understand. maybe no one will. maybe this is all crazy gibberish. i know it will come back, but it feels unfair that i get to be this ok, for this long, and so many people dont.

im sorry.

 

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it’s a reindeer round up, at the north pole corral

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i had this tape when i was little called like “christmas is for children” or something. it was white with blue lettering that i can picture perfectly but im unsure i was ever actually able to read before the writing got all half worn off, so i cant be 100% sure thats actually what it was called. this tape included such classics as “reindeer round up” (its a reindeer round up, and the north pole corral, theyll be hitchin up that sleigh any day now dun dun dun dun) and something i thought was called “i think that i like christmas” (in which an angry old man is taught to love christmas by a group of carolling kids). that is basically the entirety of my memory of this tape, but i LOVED it. thoughts of it make my insides smile.

my sister and i had all kinds of christmas traditions; she is very big on traditions and has been since we were little, so these traditions lasted well past when they should have (see: us reading each other old childrens christmas books [barbapoppas christmas!] on christmas eve when i was a teenager. see also: going to mcdonalds every christmas eve for the first 20+ years of my life because when my siblings were little and lived in the boonies they would stop at mcdonalds on the drive in to see my grandparents), and we used to listen to this tape all through december. im sure it was a welcome break, at first, from the fred penner i blared at full volume to sleep when i was 2 and/or the backstreet boys first album (which, in case you were wondering, came out a few years earlier and is a completely different album than the first one released in the states. im sure you were wondering.) i blared to go to sleep by the time i was 8 or so. and then there was that hanson obsession… basically ive been blaring music to go to sleep since before headphones were really a thing. but i digress. we listened to it every christmas until way past when it was acceptable to own a tape player, until somehow the tape just disappeared and no one really noticed because we dont have any way to play them anyway. so now amy and i just sing random lines of a country themed christmas song at each other while sounding slightly deranged.

this tape, for obvious reasons, is not located on itunes or google play music. because it is literally the weirdest thing and i cant imagine it was ever popular. and, as amy found out, because it was a give away tape produced by the ontario lotto commission in 1984, and was all songs by local ontario singers with zero budget, hence why there were literally no actual christmas carols on the tape. (how a tape from the ontario lotto commission, produced two years before my birth, made it into my tiny little nova scotian hands remains a mystery).

but my sister. my sister is really good at interneting. the best, really. id wager money on it. so she found a site that used to have the tape on it, run by a guy who would go to thrift stores and digitize/upload random vintage tapes. the site was no longer functional because the government doesnt want us to have nice things  copyright infringement. so she found the guy who ran it on facebook, and he gave her some log in to the site to download the tape, only the files didnt work, so she harassed him again, and her re did the files for her.

so when we were doing adult christmas this year (normally just stockings, but this year my parents bought both amy and i gifts because we arent working), my sister brings out her ipad and the grumpy old man starts huffing at the carolling children.

and that my friends, is a little christmas miracle.

christmas was good this year. super relaxed. we did adult christmas (mom, dad, amy, sean, sean’s mom, and me), which was extra fun this year because we got gifts! i sound like im 5, but like, we dont normally really do gifts to begin with, and i am extremely poor, so it was extra exciting. my parents gave me three pairs of pj pants that i desperately needed (a) the ones i wear all the time now have like 4 holes in them and b) i end up wearing pj pants a lot because my niece and nephew come down all the time so when i would previously just wander around pantless, i now wear pj pants), a nice night cream and day time moisturizer, some lip balm, foot cream, a pair of leggings because the ones i own are wearing out, some canvases and a few paint brushes since ive been painting more/selling some art lately, some grocery money, and a board game ive really wanted called “pandemic legacy” (something completely frivolous so i really wasnt expecting it). my sister gave me some planted herbs too, which was really nice an unexpected.

seans mom was much better today, had normal conversations and somewhat participated in activities! so that was a nice change. she is still a little… odd to be around. she is extremely smart but also very… slow? somehow? its a very weird combination. but she is nice and has been making an effort to talk about things at least somewhat related to the persons interest and allowing people to respond.  i think shes really lonely normally, because she lives alone an hour out of the city, and she has a strained relationship with her kids and very low mobility so i doubt she gets out much. so im glad she was here and not alone for christmas. i think thats why she talks so much, shes never got anyone to talk to except when shes here. all the things shes been thinking for the past month just spew out sometimes.

to cover the basics, we had dinner super early (2pm?) to accommodate jeff and brandy’s schedule. kids came over and opened their gifts and were typical little kids and just tore everything open. unless they could tell it was clothing, at which point they angrily threw it without opening it. darling children. dad made a delicious turkey dinner, as par usual, jeff and i did the dishes. jeff and all left, i accidentally took nighttime sinus medicine and took almost a 2 hour nap. played cards and the african strategy game seans mom got them (its fun! i cant for the life of me remember what its called! very simple to learn, but lots of strategy involved.) ate a bunch of chocolate. now its 230 in the morning and im writing a blog, because me.

that was basically the day!

im happy. its so nice to be happy and not stressed and not really… any negative thing at the holidays. i know thats rare for most people, and its been rare for me even though i clearly have a great and close family, so i appreciate it more. my heart still goes out to all the people hating everything right now though, because this time of year can definitely be a double edged sword, even for those without fucked up pasts and mental disorders.

hope you all coped well, talked to someone you loved, and had something delicious to eat (even if it was chinese food and movie theatre popcorn, eddie :P)

merry christmas/happy chanukah!

Meeting

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so. uuhhh. christian just left. which means this probably isnt the ideal time to write a happy blog post about his visit but here we are anyway.

im going to try to write this like i dont know he’ll eventually read it. and maybe he wont, im sure he doesnt like check it daily for updates or anything. anyway.

it was a really good visit, i think. at least it was a really good first meeting. his plane(s) got all sorts of fucked up and delayed so he ended up getting here thursday morning instead of wednesday night. the airport was the most nerve inducing awkward completely adorable thing i’ve experienced in a long time. I didnt know where i was going when i got there because the bus gets in on a lower level than anything else is on (who knew that existed?) and i ended up signing up to get information about a credit card in order to get directions.  on the upside, the women there thought i might be 21, so that was a decent ego boost before going to meet someone for the first time. they were very nice. i actually have no regrets about that interaction, but i havent received the junk mail yet. ANYWAY. I go there and awkwardly paced around for a 10 minutes and then people started getting off the plane and then there was the very surreal moment where i could see him but he wasnt actually to me yet. and then there was the hugs and the real and the smells good. im pretty sure i was shaking but he was definitely shaking so i felt better. he kissed me on the escalator. and we cuddled and kissed and whispered to each other the whole bus ride home. it was overall pretty adorable.

we came home, spent some time in bed and then went the coastal which actually kind of sucked. note to self, do not order off the lunch menu. felt a little bad we didnt order something more delicious. went home, spent more time watching movies and making out and snuggling in bed. ordered christian his first chicken shawarma, which is always delicious. then, as promised, we went to finding dorey. have an adorable photo:

2016-07-14 21.35.41

it didnt really feel like meeting a stranger, which was good. i was worried it would feel like a stranger. i was essentially going on a three day pof date that you couldnt get out of if it went terribly. luckily it went better than pof dates do haha.

Friday morning we woke up late and he made me pumpkin pancakes, also as promised, and looked extremely hot while doing so. again, have a picture:

2016-07-15 12.43.39

(this is basically the only place these pictures are ever allowed to be seen, so im going to post a bunch)

we walked to the liquor store and stopped in at lion and bright on the way. then we got day drunk and high and hung out in bed. watched a lot of movies and snuggled. ordered the halifax pizza place classic of donairs, poutine and newfie fries for him to try.  the poutine was pretty shit though but we’ll ignore that.

Saturday we actually got up at a decent hour (well like, decent for a normal person. he weirdly mostly put me on his sleep schedule while he was here), walked to tim’s where we got incredibly sweet drinks (not good, you fail me tims.) we snuggled and watched movies for awhile the  we went to the waterfront to explore a bit of the touristy stuff of halifax/make sure he actually saw the ocean while here.we got ice cream and walked the boardwalk. stopped in at the stubborn goat beer garden where we apparently sat in the wrong place but oh well. have another picture:

2016-07-16 15.13.56

got him an east coast lifestyle shirt because it was only super nova scotian thing i could think of that also doesnt identify itself as being from canada so he could actually where it later. i got a sunburn like the pale white girl that i am.

came home and hung out in bed for a bit and then went to mother’s for fancy pizza, then spent most of the night snuggling/watching movies/napping/etc. until her had to go to the airport. have a sort of terrible picture:

2016-07-16 22.14.57

then we took a cab to the airport and he left, somewhat awkwardly. and i took the bus back to town and then cabbed home and took a nap. so here we are. all three of his planes seem to have actually gone as scheduled so he should be home soon.

 

so thats the recap.

he said i love you a bunch, held my hand in public even though i looked like hell, we had a lot of sex and things seemed like they went well? im still waiting for the other shoe to drop because its who i am. and it might happen. probably wont, but it might.

it felt weird sending him home. like i know this was just a secret vacation for him but it was my actual life so. i dont know. i was just returning him to his real life with his house and his wife and his pets. like you return a library book that was never really yours.

so. overall the trip was really good in and of itself but it was also a little harsh for me in that it really exposed the bubble. like he can be part of my life but ill never really be part of his. which ive known from the beginning but i like to try to ignore. he says he’ll come back but i dont know if he really will. i feel less like we’re together and more like a casual side fling. except he flew a couple thousand miles to be here so i just dont know. i told nats about the married poly thing (not the internet thing) and she judged me i think.

the bubble was really nice though. id live there if i could.

 

 

tomorrow!!

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i feel like i should write but i havent decided what to say yet.

Christian gets here tomorrow! …i am freaking out! i only scrubbed the washroom for like 2 hours. which is saying something considering its the size of a shoebox and doesnt even have a tub. i still need to clean basically everything else.

Christian and i have had a rough couple days. almost broke up. id write about it but im so happy right now i dont want to crush it on myself for the sake of documentation. im sure ill have an entry about it later anyway, since we basically resolved to just ignore the problem. it was a lot of this, on repeat:

but now its like 27 hours until i meet him at the airport and its just butterflies and mushy insides. or thats how im trying to keep it.

so now im just listening to a lot of birdy and reading a lot of the book he sent me while also avoiding laura like the plague, which i think shes also doing because its awkward as fuck up in here. im debating if im going to remind her the lamp and table in her room are actually mine. she literally owns nothing. i dont know how shes going to survive on her own. she might not, to be honest. but its not like ill be around to find out. also i think im just going to act like she doesnt exist with regards to the having crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

…im very excited to have crazy sex with christian at all hours of the day.

but also nervous. so nervous.

what if its terrible? that would be so awkward now haha. though i mean i guess the first time is always a little awkward and weird. so. theres that. but i feel like this will be especially awkward since its the first time but also not really the first time. does that make sense? probably not.

i think my meds are working pretty well lately, all things considered. i havent been devastatingly suicidal this week. or even like, mildly suicidal. what a nice change.

had a good night with brandon this weekend. i love brandon. i miss seeing him everyday. that being said, i am super excited to live alone in a couple weeks. i hope christian can come back while i have an empty house. which may be a couple months or a couple years, i guess it depends on the job situation.

god damn do i suddenly need a job. i mean, not that i didnt need one before but the doubling of the rent and the health insurance running out in the same month was kind of a kick in the teeth.

26 hours and 12 minutes. not that anyones counting.

tomorrowtomorrowtomorrow

felt like this.

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theres so much to say and i have no idea how to say it.

things have been going pretty well for me since going on medical leave, like i feel like shit is coming together for the first time in a long time, so its not that. i dont need to talk about the pitch pitch black or the other end of the spectrum. i can do that. talking about that is easy now.

its the regular life stuff. or the not so regular, in this particular case. the words just dont flow as easily. but i’ve always been the person who needs to talk things through with people and since im not telling any of the people i normally talk things out with, that only leaves here (and oh man is nats going to kill me for not telling her sooner if/when she eventually finds out).

so here we go.

ive been doing something weird. i am doing something weird. and that something weird has lead to some pretty massive life changes for me. so i guess i have to start there.

i met a guy online. it wasnt supposed to be like that. it was a stupid drunken r4r post meant to kill time one night when i was sad and needed distractions so i didnt get myself obliterated home alone because i thought my grandmother was dying and even though im doing well, im not doing that well, and alcohol will always be how i solve that.

and man this is going to be the only place i ever admit this in its entirety.

but i met a guy online and something clicked. i dont know what, or how, or even really why, i cant explain it at all, it just did. quickly.

and he lives far away. not like other side of the world far but far like not within a days drive and this is crazy and stupid and im an adult what the hell am i doing??

im picking at my nail polish to avoid writing the rest of this entry. i dont know why i make myself so uncomfortable. i already told the one person in my life who reads my blog (hi eddie), and the other person that i know who reads my blog already knows everything because hes the guy i met online. so.

like fuck, what am i doing?

so thats weird enough. i could stop there and that would be enough for people to think im fucked in the head (for a new reason for once!) and i wouldnt blame them. buuuut theres more.

as i mentioned last time, he’s married. and poly. and did i mention married?
the poly thing almost doesnt bother me anymore. almost. i will talk about that. but the married bit still gets me. ive always had a no dating married poly guys rule because they are almost always not actually poly and really just mean they have friends with benefits while theyre wholly only in love with their wife ( and no one else) and youre some sort of extra play thing. but even when they arent douche bags and actually are poly i just never got why you would marry someone if youre actually poly. like it doesnt make sense to me. it makes every other relationship you have inferior. forever. especially if you’re not out as poly because then youre basically granting one person the actual significant other role in your life; the one with the family and the friends and the owning a house and the stupid stuff like groceries and shared finances. so how does that fit in with the whole poly picture?

and yet. annnnd yet. im going to have to find out cuz im here. doing this thing. this weird weird thing. and i cant seem to help myself or stop it. like i have feelings i cant control and it is so fucked up. we’re so fucked up. but its so so perfect. and im so so happy.

it makes no sense.

and all i want to do is tell natalie so we can boy gossip about everything like we always do and so she can stop telling me im just a huge commitmentphobe. and because i want to share it. but i just cant. not until things are closer to figured out. not until he comes here and we see if this is all in our heads. which it might be. it really might be.

also theres the poly thing. which i guess im basically doing now. kinda. as much as you can be doing the poly thing while not seeing anyone and sort of seeing someone in the most screwed up way possible. but im still on dating sites and i got asked out a bunch of times this week and theres a couple people i even debated saying yes to (which lets face it, is rare on POF). he apparently only ever dates 2 people at once, which seems practical.

my therapist asked me if i was hypomanic or manic last week and i said no but i might be, judging from the insanely high sex drive. i still dont think im making crazy person decisions though, im just doing something crazy.

….

thats enough. because writing about it is making me think too much and when i think too much the craziness of everything sets in and bursts our happy bubble and then he has to talk me down lol. so i guess this will be a two parted because ive barely scratched the surface of the stuff to say and mentally debate over.

renewed

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well. i havent written anything since January, which is strange. i guess ill try to time line things a bit.

After Jon left SNS hired a new ED with whom I tended to disagree on almost all major issues for the organization, but who was a good guy. Bob left, so it was just Nick and I running the show.

The abilify I was on stopped having positive side effects by the time i hit an effective dose. my moods were stable but it gave me intense anxiety and indecisiveness and left me flatlined and out of it. like you see with the drooling patients in movies. it also fucked up my heart and breathing so walking 10 minutes felt hard and i would be out of breath if there was any sort of hill. So the took me off the abilify slowly (im still on a really low dose).

thiiiiis did not go well. i went manic manic manic over christmas and did a lot of cocaine and slept with questionable people (as previously mentioned)

I went on medical leave from StudentsNS on January 6th. I stayed on medical leave until my contract was up (May); we didnt renew my contract and i turned down the offer to stay of staff to finish a research report. Luckily this time I was on medical ei so i could pay my rent and all that jazz.

speaking of which, in Janurary I got a roommate, her name is Laura. Shes a pretty good roommate though shes young. we get along pretty well.

Ive been dosing up on a new drug called lamotrigine that is working really well. im still dosing off the abilify which seems to be taking forever, but im only at 5mg right now, hopefully 0 by the end of the summer.

I dated a guy named Jordan in February but it fell apart quickly and is only worth mentioning because it was the first time i’d really put myself out there since the whole mental breakdown thing in 2013.

So, for the most part, things have been decent since about March. And i dont talk much when things are decent.

So now that i’ve filled in the blanks for future self, im just going to write a normal entry life i hadnt stopped doing this for 6 months.

I cut my hair off yesterday.

everyone says it looks good but i sort of hate it already? i dont know. maybe i will adjust soon.

In actual news, my grandmother fell deathly ill earlier this month. she recovered but still needs round the clock care and im one of the people currently doing the caring. had i wrote this last week i probably would have been a lot more thorough in my detailing but basically amy came down and took care of her for two weeks, then tegan flew in to help. now theyre both gone and my aunt is here and ive been the relief person for everyone. its stressful, but not as bad as it was when she was still delirious and near death (obviously). it is however still emotionally exhausting and takes up all 50% of my life. im hoping this will be easier soon know that my parents are home. However, i still have to go today because my parents cancelled tonight, which was kind of a douche move.

other than that, im still jobless and on ei. my doctors go back and forth on whether on not they think its a good idea for me to work but i hate not working. but i also am terrified of going backwards now that things are going decently for the first time in a really long time. even in my somewhat down spells i havent actively thought of killing myself in at least 3 months. i dont think ive been able to say that since i was 15 or so.

normally id probably talk about christian here but he’ll read it so that feels weird. or at least he might. so ill just talk about the weird fact that i intentionally let someone i actively talk to read my blog for the first time (aside from eddie, who was pretty much around from the start of it). hes read all of it though and i havent posted in six months so i doubt he will check it again.

that whole situations a little weird, in that im totally flirtmancing with someone who lives in another country, and that hes married. not in creepy cheating way, it the poly way. dont worry, future self, you arent that much of an asshole. unless hes lying, but i doubt it. i dont even date married poly men in halifax. so i dont know what im doing exactly. but tis been like 4 days and we all know itll fall apart before i get around to writing the next entry so it’ll probably end up being more embarrassing that i wrote this than anything else.

i was planning on actually writing something but i just realized i have to be at the salon in 20 minutes (eyebrowssss… not another haircut) and im still in my pyjamas. maybe ill write more soon, maybe i wont. it would probably be good for me if i did

it’s britney, bitch

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im baaaaack.

back to better. who knows why, lets not question it shall we?

I’m in a weird Maroon 5 mood lately. not sure why. Adam Lavine sort of bugs me as a person, generally speaking, and as much as one can judge from interviews and scripted/edited clips from the voice. But this and ‘Lucky Strike’ are stuck in my head far too much lately.

So my Dad saw the medical oncologist who seemed to have much better news. Instead of starting treatment right now, theyre waiting until after christmas to do another blood test and establish a growth rate before determining treatment, which is good. my parents got drunk when they found out. in the adorable, bottle of red wine way. not the bad, brown bagged way.

Lucy isnt doing great.  She has an enlarged ventricle in her heart (possibly caused by her breathing issues) that caused her surgery to get cancelled, so her breathing issues remain unfixed.  She also recently got diagnosed with epilepsy, though theyre still determining what type.  the first medication hasnt worked, which means its not the kind kids usually grow out of. Lucy has gone through some shit for being 3. not even three. 2 and 10.5 months.

—-

I am considering going with my parents to visit Joe and the kids in Philly in a week and a bit.  I was going to go by myself in December but I dont know if I can do babysitting duty for that long…. also the parents are driving so that would be considerably cheaper.

decisions decisions.

not going to grad school next year. everyone has sufficiently talked me into waiting another year. im pretty gutted about it.  im trying to ignore it with thoughts of travel that ill probably have to go into debt for because thats a practical solution, right?

…so greece, then?

coma

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soooo i feel like i should write something, but im not entirely sure what.

i had a manic spell. well, am having, maybe. my shrink gave me these like horse tranqs of sleep meds that i’ve been taking since thursday. they make me sleep about 20 hours per pill and i have to take a pill a day. so, basically what i am saying is they are the very definition of wasting your life.

i tried not taking them yesterday but then i was manic this morning (/all night). and brandon made me take more. he also texted jon that i was “calling in crazy” for the day and that he should tell me not to come into work.
which i still find sort of funny.

i wrote that last night. the situation remains relatively unchanged, however. I did manage to get up at 2pm today though, which is a solid 8 hours earlier than usual. got mah eyebrows did. went to the community garden and watered the plot and picked some lettuce and cukes and herbs for a salad tonight and tabouleh if i ever go to the store to get tomatoes. going to trivia with jon tonight. sometimes i just want to curl my entire being into jon in the most platonic way possible. i cant explain it. i think its just the completely lack of filter. he knows everything about me for far too many angles. hes a safe space for my brain. no matter what it spits out or is doing i just dont have to worry about it, and i dont have to be alone.

though he is my boss. which should feel more complicated than it does. then again, we havent had performance review week yet. ha.

amber moved to cape breton this week. has a sad.
i need to get my license. and maybe a car. or a car share. probably a car share.

its sunny. gloriously sunny.