renewed

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well. i havent written anything since January, which is strange. i guess ill try to time line things a bit.

After Jon left SNS hired a new ED with whom I tended to disagree on almost all major issues for the organization, but who was a good guy. Bob left, so it was just Nick and I running the show.

The abilify I was on stopped having positive side effects by the time i hit an effective dose. my moods were stable but it gave me intense anxiety and indecisiveness and left me flatlined and out of it. like you see with the drooling patients in movies. it also fucked up my heart and breathing so walking 10 minutes felt hard and i would be out of breath if there was any sort of hill. So the took me off the abilify slowly (im still on a really low dose).

thiiiiis did not go well. i went manic manic manic over christmas and did a lot of cocaine and slept with questionable people (as previously mentioned)

I went on medical leave from StudentsNS on January 6th. I stayed on medical leave until my contract was up (May); we didnt renew my contract and i turned down the offer to stay of staff to finish a research report. Luckily this time I was on medical ei so i could pay my rent and all that jazz.

speaking of which, in Janurary I got a roommate, her name is Laura. Shes a pretty good roommate though shes young. we get along pretty well.

Ive been dosing up on a new drug called lamotrigine that is working really well. im still dosing off the abilify which seems to be taking forever, but im only at 5mg right now, hopefully 0 by the end of the summer.

I dated a guy named Jordan in February but it fell apart quickly and is only worth mentioning because it was the first time i’d really put myself out there since the whole mental breakdown thing in 2013.

So, for the most part, things have been decent since about March. And i dont talk much when things are decent.

So now that i’ve filled in the blanks for future self, im just going to write a normal entry life i hadnt stopped doing this for 6 months.

I cut my hair off yesterday.

everyone says it looks good but i sort of hate it already? i dont know. maybe i will adjust soon.

In actual news, my grandmother fell deathly ill earlier this month. she recovered but still needs round the clock care and im one of the people currently doing the caring. had i wrote this last week i probably would have been a lot more thorough in my detailing but basically amy came down and took care of her for two weeks, then tegan flew in to help. now theyre both gone and my aunt is here and ive been the relief person for everyone. its stressful, but not as bad as it was when she was still delirious and near death (obviously). it is however still emotionally exhausting and takes up all 50% of my life. im hoping this will be easier soon know that my parents are home. However, i still have to go today because my parents cancelled tonight, which was kind of a douche move.

other than that, im still jobless and on ei. my doctors go back and forth on whether on not they think its a good idea for me to work but i hate not working. but i also am terrified of going backwards now that things are going decently for the first time in a really long time. even in my somewhat down spells i havent actively thought of killing myself in at least 3 months. i dont think ive been able to say that since i was 15 or so.

normally id probably talk about christian here but he’ll read it so that feels weird. or at least he might. so ill just talk about the weird fact that i intentionally let someone i actively talk to read my blog for the first time (aside from eddie, who was pretty much around from the start of it). hes read all of it though and i havent posted in six months so i doubt he will check it again.

that whole situations a little weird, in that im totally flirtmancing with someone who lives in another country, and that hes married. not in creepy cheating way, it the poly way. dont worry, future self, you arent that much of an asshole. unless hes lying, but i doubt it. i dont even date married poly men in halifax. so i dont know what im doing exactly. but tis been like 4 days and we all know itll fall apart before i get around to writing the next entry so it’ll probably end up being more embarrassing that i wrote this than anything else.

i was planning on actually writing something but i just realized i have to be at the salon in 20 minutes (eyebrowssss… not another haircut) and im still in my pyjamas. maybe ill write more soon, maybe i wont. it would probably be good for me if i did

status quo

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so, about that writing more thing? yeah. that didnt seem to happen did it? … whoops

I went to my psychiatrist’s yesterday, basically as routine check up on my meds. But I had to talk about my psychologist and his making me go to therapy more often and the fact that ive gained 20 pounds since he upped my medication last time. ie, in 4 months. So, the process for med switching has begun, and all thoughts of taking on the new job have been crushed. In some ways its easier now, because I have an excuse, in other ways I’m just so god damn angry.

i dont handle medications well. zyprexa, resperidone, basically all first generation atypicals make me swell like a balloon, and get spinny headed.  it doesnt make much sense as they are completely different drugs from one another, but there you go.  so ive been on an anti seizure med for the vast majority of my bipolar life (5-6 years, 2 year break, 1.5 years now), but they seem to make me gain weight, and balance my mood, but to a low grade depression.  so im getting slowly transitioned to abilify theres a cost benefit analysis there, and im not sure ive made the right choice. low grade depression sucks, but nowhere near as much as bipolar depression. or bipolar anything, really.

so, long story short, im afraid this transition is going to go badly, as they almost always do, and negative impact my job/ability to do jon’s job.  this is basically self discrimination, and if jon had said it it would be blatant discrimination, but the organization cant afford to have an ED that could potentially go down of february and march.

so. thats that. i guess.

“Passively suicidal is your baseline”

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My therapy session on Monday ended with that sentence. “You sound passively suicidal, which if we are being honest is kind of your baseline. So it sucks, but it’s not crisis mode.”

I don’t know how one is supposed to take that, although its completely true. It just sort of feels like the problem in mental health care. “Ok, so you have cancer, but its only stage 3. So it sucks, but it’s not crisis mode.”  Somehow I don’t think people say that.

So. I’m sure everyone who pays attention to academic news, feminist issues, or hell, just watches the news really, has heard about the major scandal at the Dalhousie school of dentistry. My job places me somewhat in the periphery to middle of the whole debacle. A lot of press statements, media commentary, riding fine lines. For those of you who aren’t familiar, a group of 4th year dentistry men had a facebook group in which they made ‘jokes’ about chlorophorming female classmates so they could fuck them, had polls on who they would “hate fuck” and generally made a lot of rapey comments. Public outrage has ensued, particularly because the students worked in the public clinic – ie, with chloroform, on the public.  Public doesnt like how the school is handling it, everyone is commenting on it.  the canadian dentistry board has commented on it, for christ sake.

And this is my job. Politics, post secondary education, students. This is my job.  And it is unbelievably triggering. which feels like such a cop out.

I dont even know how to talk about it. ive been the victim of sexual assault and now talking about sexual assault makes me queasy?

—-

I’m fighting with my mother, of all people.  I havent been answering my phone. then my brother emailed me, and it happened that shortly after i chose to look at my phone. so i emailed him back, and then called her. and apparently im a terrible person because i couldnt even deign to tell her that i was ok, but id email my brother. and “obviously im fine” because im “hosting a party” tomorrow. My party, being having 4 people over, all of whom I would describe as my best friends, all of whom Ive gone to bawling because I thought I might kill myself. But you know, I can go “party” so im fine and just being ever so melodramatic.

I honestly want to punch her. I cant help it. I really do.

Speaking of which, my father was a dick over Christmas. Im not going to get into it, it was mostly butting heads but it was just.. I just cant. I need to not deal with them.

Brandon is gone for another 3 days.  Its sort of nice. Its probably sort of dangerous. I dont know. Passively is the word of the day, I suppose.

I bought mini quiches and egg rolls and crap for tomorrow. I dont know why. its 5 people.

forcing myself to deal with other people. food is some sort of buffer. here, eat this, be distracted. dont ask me things. lookit, red lipstick and coordinated outfit. im fine. so fine. not like that time i went psychotic and didnt brush my hair for two months. but you didnt know that because i didnt leave my house then, either. whoopsie, dont mind me, haahaha have a mini quiche.

—-

Jons leaving work.

Im probably going to have to quit.

did I mention Ive stopped sleeping?

I’ve watched 2 seasons of Gilmore Girls and 2.5 seasons of Ink master though, so Ive got that going for me.

Rocking this living life to the fullest thing. Rock-fucking-ing.

coma

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soooo i feel like i should write something, but im not entirely sure what.

i had a manic spell. well, am having, maybe. my shrink gave me these like horse tranqs of sleep meds that i’ve been taking since thursday. they make me sleep about 20 hours per pill and i have to take a pill a day. so, basically what i am saying is they are the very definition of wasting your life.

i tried not taking them yesterday but then i was manic this morning (/all night). and brandon made me take more. he also texted jon that i was “calling in crazy” for the day and that he should tell me not to come into work.
which i still find sort of funny.

i wrote that last night. the situation remains relatively unchanged, however. I did manage to get up at 2pm today though, which is a solid 8 hours earlier than usual. got mah eyebrows did. went to the community garden and watered the plot and picked some lettuce and cukes and herbs for a salad tonight and tabouleh if i ever go to the store to get tomatoes. going to trivia with jon tonight. sometimes i just want to curl my entire being into jon in the most platonic way possible. i cant explain it. i think its just the completely lack of filter. he knows everything about me for far too many angles. hes a safe space for my brain. no matter what it spits out or is doing i just dont have to worry about it, and i dont have to be alone.

though he is my boss. which should feel more complicated than it does. then again, we havent had performance review week yet. ha.

amber moved to cape breton this week. has a sad.
i need to get my license. and maybe a car. or a car share. probably a car share.

its sunny. gloriously sunny.

rage

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i have a friend who is also bipolar. he has much more “typical” bipolar symptoms, no one ever doubts him unless they think he is schizophrenic. he rages from time to time. yells at people and punches walls and buries himself in a dark place for days and days. while i have always done the latter, its been nearly a decade since i had done the former.

until last weekend.

I dont know whats up lately, honestly. most of the time i feel fine, but every so often something is just completely, crushingly, overwhelming. almost 2 weeks ago i was in Cape Breton with work. I knew I was anxious. I could feel it. I almost didn’t go on the trip because of it. Boss suddenly throws giving a large presentation into my lap on zero notice. had a complete and total meltdown. as in went outside, sat on the ground and bawled and shook. Took 5 mg of ativan. passed out.

My brother was up from the states visiting, along with one of my nieces. I missed the first 2 days of the visit being in Cape Breton, but I spent the next 3 out at my parents with them. Those days were good. Well, if you ignore the fact that the reason he came here was because my grandfather is dying.

This weekend was pride, or gay christmas as it is affectionately known around here. its a big holiday for us, brandon and i always host it. but everyone was away… and then brandon went to cape breton for his moms birthday… so it was just me but everyone had already been invited so i had to do it anyway. this is probably where i should have enacted that self care thing my therapist always talks about.

my work participated in the pride parade on saturday (at my behest, hello equity officer). it was long. they made us marshall at noon, and then stand there for 2 hours with no water or food in the blazing hot sun BEFORE the 2 hour parade. it was 30 something degrees. my medication comes with a giant sticker that says “avoid sunlight”

….

so that didn’t go so great.
Actually the parade was fine, I handed out condoms mostly to middle aged ladies and the occasion lesbian (sorry). But then I came home. and died. heat exhaustion is a terrible, terrible thing. so much vomit. so much cant move. so much tired.

my apartment was half clean when people arrived. i also wasnt dressed or ready at all and had just thrown up. again. jon and amanda basically set up the entire party and finished cleaning for me because i couldnt stand up.

party happened. i did ok-ish through it. I missed going to refs even though i had a bracelet. kind of happy about it though because im always worried about seeing the rapist. all my friends went to refs, and then crashed at my house. i continued being sick.

nicole flew in the next morning and amber and sav went to get her; they didnt wake me up. They decided they wanted to go swimming (in my pool) once nicole was there, and asked if i wanted to come. when i said no they said ‘ok i guess we will see you later then.’ …again. in MY pool. then they decide to go to lunch first. do not invite me. then they come and go swimming in my pool. in the interim, my parents try to park in their parking spot, but sav is parked in it. my dad starts to get them towed but they happen to come into the garage and tell my parents that their my friends, so my dad doesnt tow them. they dont. move. the. car. and my parents end up parking on the street. meanwhile, im at home, in my apartment, sick as hell, now not from heat stroke but from the fact that i vomited up all of my medication for the past 14 hours and have officially gone into withdrawal. i clean up my entire apartment from the party i ‘hosted’ but didnt attend, by myself. they left half eaten poutine and steak sandwiches all over my floor. the air mattress and blankets they used were strewn about my living room. bottles were everywhere. they didnt even do the bare minimum fold up you bedding post party cleaning.

they text me to come let them into my apartment from my pool.

annnnnnd i lost it. i could feel it surging. it felt like an out of body experience to be so engulfed in anger and rage that i was shaking but i was so anxious i had spent the morning having misc bawling spells and clawing my arms open because thats what happens with i throw up my meds.

i yellllled at them. and honestly, they kind of fucking deserved it. these arent casual acquaintances. they are supposed to be my best friends. it was awkward. they got weird. then nicole could see how badly i was shaking (from about 5 feet away) and hugged me. and theeeeeen i started bawling. and panicking. and ran into my room and collapsed on the floor and couldnt breathe. and bawling. for a solid 10 minutes. none of the 4 of them had ever seen any actual evidence of my actual mental illness before. it was awkward. nicole sat with me. eventually i stopped bawling so much but was still basically convulsing with shakes. i apologized for yelling. amber apologized for being a dick, sav and robb say nothing. sav and robb left. nicole amber and i spend the night watching movies in between my throwing up food. amber brought me gatorade.

next day i went to work for a staff meeting, that was fine. came home afterwards. laid in bed and starred at the wall for awhile. got up and went to all you can eat sushi with sav nicole and amber. didnt eat, obviously. went to board room cafe with a bunch of people. came home. weirdly numb. bad mental health day.

slept in today. wrote half of a paper. my parents showed up because they were taking my grandmother out and my mom knew i wasnt doing well and they really wanted me to come. i was supposed to be working. i went anyway, because, lets be honest, i wasnt exactly progressing anything. it was actually really nice, we drove up to the places my grandmother and parents used to live, where they got married, schools my brothers attended. got food. came home. and here we are. basically starring at the ceiling again.

i need to finish that paper tonight. its not going to happen.
but im not killing myself. and not killing myself is happening in place of the paper writing. so thats just going to have to be that.
i dont… know.

—-

i went to my psychiatrist the other week and he increased my mood stabilizers. it makes me tired tired tired. im operational in bouts of 4-5 hours, really. brandon is in cape breton, and im happy about it. i love him but the apartment is actually clean when he isnt here. and i know with absolute certainty that being in a dirty place with this level of anxious and depressed would extrapolate things to degrees i do not wish to think about. i am dreading his coming home.

so. thats all.
therapy in the morning.

I have mixed drinks about my feelings.

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welp. it’s 2:30 in the afternoon, and i’m writing here. never saw that one coming.

I’m supposed to be working.

I’m not. (Obviously).

Tomorrow is Canada Day (stat holiday). I have two massively important deadlines of Wednesday.
Yesterday I went shopping with my mom. I spent $70 on a fucking pair of shorts. I hate you, only pair of comfortable shorts. THen I went to my parents for supper.
Today my Dad called me at 830. then I went back to sleep. then my boss called me at 10. then I went back to sleep. my alarm went off incessantly and I slept. Now it is 2:30 and I am in bed typing this. On the upside, I was supposed to work from home today anyway. And I’m not supposed to work tomorrow, so in theory I can fix this.
Sometimes it’s weird that I have a job…

It is so hot in my apartment you stick to furniture and we go into the hallway to cool down. It is always hotter here than outside. We never turn the fans off. What I would give to live on the other side of the building this time of year.

I havent been drunk in 3 months. I have drank, but not hard liquor (that I can think of..) and barely hit buzzed. I’m fairly certain I am going to get tanked tonight. I don’t have a particular reason. I proved I could do it, maybe? Not drinking helps with the meds. Drinking helps with the friends. and thr anxiety. and the feeling like me. I want a break from life. and life isnt even bad.

I just realized I have to go to the drug store as I ran out of my meds this morning.

anyway.
i think this is what like… normal low grade depression is. I have been here for awhile. I want to do less. I am not excited about things. But things are fine.

Is it normal to start hating that? I just want it to shove one way or the other; being here makes me antsy. This seems extremely abnormal but I am never very close to normal, as we have previously established.

….

Brandon’s mother came to visit this weekend. She’s nice. We walked down the boardwalk to the market and got farm fresh veggies. and valley strawberries (aka the best strawberries). Tonight I am going to Kale’s for a Canada party. Hence the slammered. I miss Kale so so so much. Like in my bones. He doesn’t have time for us these days.
I bought an ice cream cake from my sister for said party. my sister is doing surprisingly well at the moment, all things considered. Sean… not so much. In a multitude of ways, not the least of which is that his sister has been in the ICU for 3 weeks now. Doesn’t appear to be progressing much…

My Grandmother is getting age related dementia I think. She’s very clear in the moment, but at any given time her version of events is completely different. And she forgets how old I am, sometimes thinking im older than I am and sometimes forgetting Im not in high school. She often asks me how my thesis is going.
…I already graduated, Grandma…. you came to dinner.
Worrying.

Grampy is dying.
I haven’t visited enough.
I often think about what I will feel when I look back at this time period. Will I regret not getting there more? I am of two minds. First, yes, obviously. I already regret not getting to know him better growing up, though there were a lot of outside forces at play that were beyond my control. And he’s very important to my father, and my father is very important to me, so by nature I should have known him better than I do. But on the other hand… we werent close, and he is in pain and we dont have much to talk about, and when I go with my father he doesnt really even talk to me… I should go by myself tomorrow, maybe. Ask him about his childhood, or something. He must have such interesting stories I know nothing about. This is the time, I suppose. I didn’t really get that with Grammy; they thought she was better until one day she wasnt.

It’s 254. I’m going to go to the drugstore and get my meds and then I really need to force myself to get something done.. anything done. Or I’m going to get in trouble. Which will be awkward because I’m getting drunk with my boss tonight.

This and that

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I’m not going to lie to you, I dont have anything of interest to say. BUT I’m trying to write about things that arent about being crazy sometimes. I follow a lot of mental illness blogs and my god does it get repetitive.

I hit my deadline today! The draft of the disabilities report that i have legit been talking about since JULY 2013 (fuck.) has been finally been publically released. In other words, 20 some odd people are going to send me feedback about all the shit they dont like about it, and then I get to write it again. Yay…. haha but I feel good about it. I really didnt think this day was going to ever come. ALSO, the Director of Research had a report that was supposed to be released today and he missed the deadline, which makes me feel slightly better about the fact I’ve had to work like 30 hours of overtime to get it done. Though his will inevitably still kick mines ass. thats not the point here, dammit.

Im participating in the walk/run/wheel fundraiser for spina bifida on saturday. its in the valle and i have to get up unreasonably early. and then drive for an hour, then walk 10 km, then drive an hour home. but im oddly excited about it? I dont know i never claimed to make sense. The girl who is organizing it is “working with me” on the disabilities report (she hasnt read it let alone wrote any of it yet. god love her if she doesnt provide some seriously useful feedback.) so its nice to go support.

i tried to sign up for a continuing ed painting class at my alma matter today. turns out their “summer” classes are from may till june/early july. UNIMPRESSED. i was excited about that.

Anyway, I suppose its 2 am and I have barely slept this week so I should probably get on that.
Yaaaaay for boring!

one-one-thousand

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it’s been awhile.

I think i just needed the space for a bit, if that makes sense? which of course it doesnt because this place is just me sending words off into the abyss. no one reads it, or anything. but i needed some undocumented time for myself i guess. things got good enough. and the thing no one ever talks about with getting better is that you also have to figure out how being better works once you’re there. so here we are.

I have moved from having therapy twice a week to once a month. my psychiatrist has moved me from 3 week intervals to three month intervals – that means I’ve stabilized. Unfortunately, I am at the maximum dose of one of my medications in order to achieve this, so I think they will be trying to ween that down later in the year.

I’m working full time at StudentsNS again, now with a new fancy title: equity officer. i like it, it pays the bills and then some. i dont have to work and go to school now, which is also helping the stress levels. which brings me to the other large detail: I finally graduated. it was bright and sunny out, warm, didnt need coats. it was the only day like that we have had this spring. my parents came; my whole family went out for a fancy meal. i won the senate medal of distinction. then I came home and hosted a party for my friend mark, because he left for BC the next day.


man, grad robes just arent flattering.

Nicole and Mark have moved to BC which is awful and I hate it, but I am happy that Nicole got such a good opportunity. its been like 2 weeks and it already feels weird.friends, i love you, but stop having lives without me, god dammit.

I’ve decided to work on the community garden here; I’m growing herbs and some veggies so far. Trying to get involved in somethings; force myself into a routine out of the house. I’ve stopped drinking (my friends are having a hard time with that). It’s not a permanent thing, I still have a drink here and there, but I’ve stopped getting blackout wasted. when i drink a lot now i get deathly depressed for a few days. Learning to acknowledge this. Debating learning to row, or taking a painting class. I miss art.

I saw my grandfather today. his cancer has spread through all of his bones; they are disintegrating. he is in a lot of pain. i need to make more of an effort to get there and actually talk to him – meaning going without my parents because he only speaks to my father when i do that, really.

Learning to be better.